Today’s post about how self-esteem impacts our relationships comes to us courtesy of VeryBadCat. She’s been featured before on this site, and is one of my daily must-reads. Her honesty, sense of humor, and insight never cease to amaze me. Now, without further ado…

I always used to get so angry when I heard someone say that you have to love yourself first before you can truly love another. Despite my issues, I’ve always thought I was loyal, loving, and devoted. I found it insulting that someone would say that I couldn’t love others just because I didn’t love myself. I think it made me so angry because deep down, I knew it was true.

My husband served as a constant source of comfort and reassurance for me. My mood and attitude hinged on his approval of me. So, not only could he never, ever criticize me without totally crushing me emotionally (and of course, he had to clean that up too), he was in trouble if he merely didn’t meet my quota of compliments and expressions of affection.

I had an inherent mistrust of his love for me. It wasn’t that I thought he was some kind of monster, I just couldn’t really believe that he loved me. Why would he love me? I didn’t believe I was worth of love, so how could someone love me, especially as much as he claimed to. He finally told me in our second year of marriage that if I didn’t stop accusing him of not caring about me or not loving me, he was going to leave me. It was too hurtful, exhausting, and insulting to be constantly accused of not loving the woman he chose to spend his life with.

He was my security blanket. Life was, back then, a constant struggle for survival. I didn’t believe I deserved anything I had, so I was always waiting for my boss, my friends, my family, my husband- everyone around me- to figure out what a worthless fraud I was. I had no confidence in my ability to navigate in the world. I wouldn’t go outside of a very small comfort zone without him there to protect and support me. This meant that not only did he have to spend an inordinate amount of time helping me cope with adult life, but I was threatened by anything he did that took him away from me for too long or at the wrong time. Too add further insult, it had nothing to do with wanting his company and everything to do with avoiding my fears.

I entered therapy two or three years ago (for the third or fourth time), and slowly but surely, I’ve resolved my self esteem issues. He took a job last fall that kept him out of the house and completely out of contact for eight days at a time. The first few times he left, the slightest crisis that he normally would have handled left me a rumpled, crying mess. I literally lay on the floor and cried. Then, something magical happened. I remembered that I am 28 years old. I remembered everything I’ve been through and everything I accomplished, and I suddenly felt very silly for my three year old tantrums. I picked myself up off the floor, resolved the crisis, and moved on.

Once I found my confidence, I couldn’t turn it off if I wanted to. I believe that I would have a few times. See, my husband was used to his sweet but insecure wife. It’s hard for him now to adjust to my new perspective. We’re dealing with things that we never had to negotiate- my wanting to take out of town trips without him, going drinking and dancing with my girlfriends, even being willing to sit at home with the dog while he fishes. All of the roles and boundaries, the norms and expectations, are all different. That’s hard for him, because he wasn’t the one who experienced this massive shift in perspective. He’s a little unsure of himself in the marriage now, because he has some fear that now that I’m confident in myself, that he won’t be good enough for me anymore.

… which, really, is not insulting. Now that I can stop worrying about myself for 3-4 seconds, I am noticing that he has some self-esteem issues which is probably why he put up with my crap for so long. That worries me, because I know all too well that you can’t truly love someone until they love themselves. Lucky for us both, he’s built some serious goodwill and a very deep bond with me, by helping me when I couldn’t help myself. Here’s to hoping it’s his turn to blossom.