A colleague of mine, Kristy, has been having issues with a guy in our office. Kristy is a 30-year old, petite, blonde, attractive, PhD-holding scientist, and the guy—Walt—is in his late 50s, is a former military officer, and always wanted a PhD but never got one (methinks there’s more than a little bit of resentment there). Almost every time they’re in meetings together, Walt says something to demean Kristy. His comments are never sexual in nature or clearly over the line. No, they’re always an innocuous-sounding “jokes” that question her intelligence (and she’s one smart lady) and diminish her in front of others.

For example, Walt, Kristy, and a couple of people from work were having lunch with a potential candidate for a position in our office. The candidate was seated so that he couldn’t directly see another of our colleagues, with whom he was attempting to have a conversation. After watching the candidate lean back to see around Kristy, Walt said, “It’s OK—just look into her ear. Her head is pretty much empty, so you’ll be able to see right on through.” Kristy tried to laugh it off, but she was frustrated and offended. This was just the latest in a long line of demeaning comments Walt had made about her in front of others. She felt disrespected. She came to me later to ask what I thought she should do.

Why did she ask me? Because I am the office B*tch (it’s only a bad word if you think it is, and I don’t). Well, not really, but I am known for refusing to take any crap in the workplace and for speaking up when I think something is out of line. I laugh, I joke, I’m fun to work with, but I do not tolerate being talked down to, being the butt of stupid jokes, or being put down by anyone. I work hard, and I expect to be treated well. Like Mama always told me, people will treat you how you let them treat you. You have to draw a line in the sand sometimes in order to get your point across. I’d had to do that with Walt a few weeks after he started working at my company. He hadn’t bothered me since.

My advice to Kristy was this. The next time Walt makes a comment or “joke” like that—especially in front of someone else—she should stop the conversation, make eye contact with him, and calmly say, “If that was intended to be a joke, it wasn’t funny. I don’t appreciate comments like that, and I don’t expect you to make them in the future. Do you understand?” It’s important that she not raise her voice or react emotionally (and for the love of God, don’t cry) because that will open the door for Walt to dismiss her as a hysterical woman. She should speak in a calm, smooth, even tone. Eye contact is important because it communicates that you aren’t intimidated. Ending with “Do you understand?” forces the person to acknowledge that you spoke and answer you. It has worked for me every single time I’ve used it.

Is it an over-the-top response to a bad joke? No. Here’s why. Every time you allow someone else to diminish you in front of others, you are handing them a little bit of your personal power. Over time—and I experienced this in the Navy when I was the only girl in a division of several hundred mechanics—you’ll begin to feel the effects of giving away your power. You feel like what they’re saying is true—maybe you ARE weak, maybe you ARE stupid, maybe you ARE too emotional or too sensitive.

Do not fall into this trap.

In my experience, it’s best to draw a firm line in the sand the VERY FIRST TIME someone says something out of line. They immediately learn that you’re not an easy target, and you’re not going to tolerate their behavior. Nine times out of ten, it will never happen again. I’ve been in some pretty rough work environments, and I’ve never had to file a single complaint or grievance against someone. This is solely due to the fact that I’ve learned how to deal with and stop this type of behavior the second it starts.

What if you’ve already been putting up with the jokes and the comments for a while—for months, or even years? No problem. Just change up the script a little bit: “You know, I’ve been listening to you make comments like that for a while. If they’re intended to be jokes, you should know that they aren’t funny. I don’t expect to hear anything like that again. Do you understand?”

It. Will. Work. Trust me.

If you’d like advice or you’d like to tell me how this tactic worked for you, contact me using Ask Jen. I’d love to hear about your smack-downs!

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What would you do if you wanted to buy a car? You’d probably start saving money for a down payment. You might read a few articles to figure out which one has the best gas mileage and safety features. You’d investigate how much insurance costs in your area, and shop around for a competitive auto loan. You’d begin visiting car lots and browsing online sites like Auto Trader and Carmax.

What if you wanted a new job? You’d polish up your resume and cover letter and read a few articles to brush up on your interview skills. You might do some research on your industry to examine the job prospects and discover the average salary. You’d start browsing the want ads and register for online career sites. Then you’d start sending your resume out to jobs that might work for you—you wouldn’t overthink it in the beginning, you’d just want to get in the door for an interview.

Now tell me, if you’re willing to do hours of research and browsing before making a major purchase, if you’re up for sending out hundreds of copies of your resume and going on dozens of interviews in order to land the perfect job, why are you so resistant to working at dating?

You know who you are (I’ve been there too, so don’t feel bad). You get angry when you hear stories about people who met their perfect mate by chance in the grocery store. It drives your crazy to hear about your friend who fell in love with her roommate’s brother or started dating the cute guy in the cubicle down the hall. Why can’t that happen for me?, you fume. Why does it have to be so hard? Shouldn’t our eyes meet across a crowded room and we’ll “just know”? Shouldn’t true love happen without me trying?

Cry me a river, honey. Yeah, I finally found my Prince Charming, but it took one failed marriage, one failed engagement, and several failed attempts at cohabitation, not to mention the countless dead-end first dates I endured along the way.

I met Mike online at Yahoo Personals on my THIRD round of online dating (I had previously tried match.com and eHarmony to no avail). I deleted literally thousands of “You’re hot—let’s screw” emails, corresponded briefly with dozens of men, and had more than a few terrible dates. (Especially you, very short married guy. Why did you tell me that you were single and 6’ tall, then show up for our date being 5’7 AT BEST with a wedding ring tan? What did you think was going to happen???) And for my hubby, I was the 16^th girl he had gone out with during the six months or so he’d been online dating. That’s sixteen nerve-wracking meetings, sixteen paid-for dinners, and sixteen dashed hopes. Why did he keep going? Why didn’t he just quit when he had such a low success rate? Because he wanted to meet someone and he wasn’t going to give up, that’s why.

I have so many friends who dismiss online dating without even trying it. (“Jesus, Jen—I’m not desperate!”) If online dating’s not for you, that’s fine. Don’t do it. Instead, check out Craigslist and find a hiking club or a flag football team. Take a course in BBQ grilling or Italian. Start volunteering. Become an avid fan of some sport. Do SOMETHING. You can’t expect that sitting around in your PJs wailing “But it should just haaaappennnnn” is going to get you anywhere. Put on your Spanx, touch up your makeup, slide into your cutest shoes and get out there!

If you’re interested in online dating but would like a little help with your profile, visit my Services page.

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