First, thanks to everyone who commented or sent feedback regarding potential topics for future posts. I’m planning to do a series on leadership and a post on coping mechanisms in response to your requests. Please always feel free to make suggestions–I love hearing from you! 

Speaking of which, this post is in response to a question from Aleta, who asked: “What’s the scariest thing you’ve ever done?”

That’s a tough question! Let’s see… Well, I joined the Navy when I was 18. That was pretty scary. I was terrified to go to boot camp–I’d never done so much as ONE “boy” push-up in my life. I was honestly afraid that I wouldn’t be able to hack it. But I did–and I’m a much stronger person for it. When I was 23, I decided that I was going to spend two years overseas getting my Bachelor’s degree–this from someone whose only experience out of the country was a 5-day cruise to the Bahamas! And these weren’t easy countries–we’re talking China, India, Nepal, Turkey, Taiwan, and Thailand. I didn’t think I’d last the whole two years without giving up. But I made it, and my self-confidence increased exponentially.

What else? Oh, I went skydiving when I was 26–that was pretty scary, but also the most exhilirating thing I’ve ever done. I made the decision to have a prophylactic masectomy last summer after I tested positive for the breast cancer gene mutation. It was scary, but much less scary than having cancer. (Every woman on my mom’s side of the family either has, has had, or has died of breast cancer.) I got married again in December (I had a brief and absolutely DISASTROUS first marriage at 18), which was terrifying. It was hard to open myself up to someone again and take the risk of being hurt or failing. But it was the best decision I’ve ever made.

Those experiences pushed me to my limits in different ways–testing my resolve, determination, endurance, and persistence–but none of them qualify as “the scariest thing I’ve ever done.” The answer to your question, Aleta, is this…

Without a doubt, the scariest thing I’ve ever done is admitting my secret dream of being a writer to myself and others.

I’ve held onto this dream for years, keeping it so hidden that I wasn’t even consciously aware of it. Recognizing and “owning” my dream, admitting the truth to myself and to others, was the most frightening and humbling experiences of my life. I know that I want to be a writer. My friends and family know that I want to be a writer. The Internet knows I want to be a writer. There’s nowhere left to hide. If I don’t move toward this goal, people are going to ask me why and hold me accountable. I can no longer pretend that I’m satisfied with merely getting through the day.

And you know what? I’m actually doing it now. I’ve stopped thinking about it and daydreaming about it, and started talking about it and doing it. Even though I’m on the path, it’s still terrifying. What if I fail? What if I’m not good enough? What if I give up? What if, what if, what if…

The flip side of the fear, however, is the reward. I write pretty much every day for Semi-Charmed Wife. My articles have been picked up in online magazines and featured on other websites. I’m working on an e-book compilation of the best posts from this site. I’m writing short stories and working on a novel.

I am a writer, and that feels INCREDIBLE!

Very Bad Cat was one of the winners of my Pay It Forward contest, and she has selected a blog review for her prize. Lucky for me, her blog is one of the few on my daily feed list, which makes writing this review a pleasure.

VBC is one of my favorite bloggers. First and foremost, she’s a great storyteller. Reading her posts is like listening to your best friend tell you about the crazy day she’s been having or kvetch to you about her job woes. Second, she has a phenomenal sense of humor. She says the things we’re all thinking but aren’t bold enough to say. Third, she’s honest with herself and with people in her life. She owns up to her mistakes, learns from them, and moves on. I asked VBC to answer a few questions so we could get to know her better.

SCW: What motivated you to start your blog?

VBC: Somehow or another, I ran into Dad Gone Mad’s blog. I was hooked, and I started reading a ton of blogs. It occurred to me that I could do this too. It would give me a good reason to write more, and maybe make some internet friends. I felt like I needed an outlet–a place to say what I wanted–and I liked the idea of having a chronology archived online. It had been years since I had written creatively and/or written about my life, and I decided it was time to start again.

SCW: What’s the hardest lesson you’ve learned in your life?

VBC: Look out for yourself, because no one else will. No one. Yes, you can have family that you love dearly, friends that you adore, and a solid marriage, but even with all of that, each of those people have their own needs, flaws, and limitations. Sometimes it doesn’t matter how much someone loves you- it’s about what they’re capable of. Sometimes it doesn’t matter how much you love someone- it’s about what you’re capable of. Even in business and in leadership, you have to recognize, accept, and deal with it- everyone has strengths and weaknesses, and you have to work around them. Especially your own. You’ll never be happy if you can’t understand and accept that everyone is trying to find their own way in the world. Sometimes what you want or need from them fits into what they’re capable of giving you, and sometimes it doesn’t. It isn’t about their love or devotion, it’s about capability. I am trying to learn to give myself that freedom and not feel like I have to give people what they want or need from me when I just don’t have it to give. That’s the last piece, and the hardest, because I’m not good at accepting my own limitations and possibly letting people down.

SCW: What advice would you give to yourself ten years ago?

VBC: Save money. It may not seem like it right now, but you have more disposable income than you will have most of your life. Do something with it- and I don’t mean buying crap. Knock these silly men off their pedestals; your father, your boyfriend, and your guy friends. They’re good people, and they love you, but they will not protect you. They won’t shelter you and keep you safe. That’s your job. Care less about what these men think- use that energy to think about who you are and who you want to be. They will love you anyway. Love is not the elusive perfect solution you think it is. You’ll marry the boyfriend. Just calm the hell down already about marrying the boyfriend. You adore him, and you’re going to train him to expect you to be his light and his life, and you really should be figuring out how to save a piece of yourself to be yours alone. Teach him how to love you without putting you on a shelf. This is much, much more important later on in life. You’ll get the ring.

SCW: You have a great sense of humor–how do you maintain it when the going gets rough?

VBC: Well, what are my choices? When life sucks, you can cry about it, and I do. You can whine about it, and well, we all know how good I am at that. At the end of the day, though, a nice, dark, robust sense of humor will be the only thing that keeps you getting out of bed in the morning. Crying and whining and even raging all have their place, but they should be side dishes to the main entree- an ability to laugh at yourself and the world around you. Because when you strip out all the drama and emotion, it really *is* funny, isn’t it? If it wasn’t you, you’d be rolling around on the floor, wetting yourself. When it *is* you, it’s even more important to laugh about it. I also think that humor gives me some distance that more intense emotion doesn’t. It’s another perspective.

SCW: Where do you hope to be in five years?

VBC: I want to transfer to the local university to finish my degree. I love community college, and if it weren’t for the cheap tuition and the supportive environment, I don’t know where I’d be right now. Still, I’d like to be able to tell the powers that be that I’ve been accepted to and am attending one of the best business schools in the area. I would like to have children. Soon. I need more money and a stronger partner. We’re getting there. If in five years, I’m not pregnant or already a mother, there will be hell to pay. Also, career-wise, I would like a private office. With a couch and a mini-fridge.

A big thank you to VBC for taking the time to enter my contest and participate in the interview. I heartily recommend checking out Very Bad Cat any time you’re in need of a good laugh and an entertaining read.

Hey, Internet–did you know that the average first novel is about 100,000 words long? As of today, I have 14,155 words. That means I’m–let me do the math here–more than 14% of the way to a full-length novel. And to think, a few weeks ago, I was exactly […calculating…] ZERO percent finished. I’m really liking the whole get-off-your-arse-and-DO-SOMETHING-vibe that this website has given me.

So, looking ahead, I have about 86,000 words to go. The only thing that stands between me and my lifelong goal of being a published author is… ME. As you may or may not know, I’ve mostly written three novels. Those poor abandoned babies are languishing on my hard drive, just waiting to be finished and revised. There are a number of reasons that I keep quitting–fear, perfectionism, laziness, short attention span, poor time management. And there’s only one way I’m going to avoid the same fate this time around. You guessed it–PERSEVERANCE.

When I looked up the definition of perseverance, this is what I found:

1. Steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state–especially in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.
2. Theology. Continuance in a state of grace to the end, leading to eternal salvation.

The first defintion tells me that I have to keep on keeping on–even when it’s hard. When my job is driving me crazy and I don’t have two working brain cells left (i.e., “difficulties”), I still need to write. When I have family coming into town to visit (i.e., “obstacles”), I still need to write. When I don’t know where the story is going and I feel like everything I’ve written is garbage (i.e., “discouragement”), I STILL NEED TO WRITE. That’s perseverance. No matter what happens, no matter how you feel, no matter what life throws at you, you DO NOT STOP. Powerful.

And I really love the second definition–continuance in a state of grace to the end, leading to salvation. I’d love to be in a proverbial state of grace regarding my writing, and I really do believe that achieving this goal will be a “salvation” of sorts for me.

Here’s my perseverance strategy:

• Believe in myself. Whenever that voice of doubt pops up (“You’ll never finish. You can’t do it. Just give up.”), I will use thought stopping and say, I CAN DO THIS.
• Remember what you’re working for. I’m not writing just to hit my daily quota of 3 pages. I’m writing to achieve my life’s goal of being a published author. Whenever I get discouraged, I need to come back to my real purpose.
• Plan ahead. I know the kinds of obstacles I’ll be facing over the next few months. I know that I have a ton of social commitments from now until June. I know that I’m going to want to be outside once it’s warm (instead of inside at my computer). I know that my husband and I might be moving and starting new jobs. I need to plan ahead and develop strategies for overcoming these obstacles.
• Believe in myself. Yes, I know I already said it, but it’s so important. Isn’t it easy to justify not pursuing your goals by saying, “I could never have done it anyway”? I know I’ve used that cop-out many, many, many times. WE CAN DO IT. Period.

What are the areas in your life where you need to practice perseverance? Do you have any strategies that work for you?

Two of my online friends and I are teaming up to create a new website. The Ghostwriters’ Haunt is a forum for aspiring writers to submit fiction anonymously. If you’d like to submit your own work, you can become one of the Jane Doe Writers (see the link in my right sidebar). Send us an email at ghostwritershaunt at gmail dot com and we’ll give you a username and login that will allow you to become a contributor.

We’ve already started a progressive story at the Haunt. I just submitted my installment–you can find my work under the “Semi-Charmed Wife” category. We’ll also be posting our own individual stories and accepting other submissions of original fiction as well.

Hope to see you at the Haunt!

I’ve seen a few blog posts lately (here’s one example) about how difficult it is to find your purpose. What is my passion? Why am I here? What am I supposed to do with my life? These questions, which are part and parcel of–but by no means limited to–the quarter-life crisis phenomenon, can torment a person into a tailspin. I’ve seen many of my friends (and myself) downward spiral into pointless jobs, bad decisions, and emotional misery–all because of questions like these.

Strangely enough, I’ve found that one technique that worked for me was asking more questions. Here’s a list of questions that were helpful for me in figuring out what I want to do with my life. Hopefully, they’ll be of help to you as well!

1. What did I like doing as a child? I’m sure you’ve heard this before, but one of the best ways to find your true passion is to look back to your childhood, before your dreams were tainted by notions of what you “should” do. I loved playing make-believe. I made up stories about my imaginary friends and the adventures we had together. That could have revealed a passion for writing, acting, directing, or any number of creative pursuits. The interpretation is up to you.
2. What makes me cry? Do you tear up when you see commercials about the National Guard? Maybe the idea of protecting others appeals to you. You might be a great policeman, firefighter, FBI agent, or children’s advocate. Does watching the Biggest Loser reduce you to a sniveling mess? You might want to help others get healthy–perhaps as a doctor, nutritionist, or physical trainer.
3. What do I hate about my current job? Ah, this one is interesting. My least favorite part of my current job is drafting and revising documents for my client. Hmmm… but don’t you want to be a writer, you say? YES. That’s why it KILLS me to spend all day writing stuff I don’t really care about. The things you hate may give you a clue as to what you love.
4. What do I do for fun? Do you watch TV or movies? What kind? Are they all comedies? Thrillers? Is there a common theme? What’s your favorite book? Why? Do you love risky past-times like rock-climbing and motorcross? “Organized” hobbies like stamp or coin collecting? All of these things can be clues to what you’re on this earth to do.
5. What are you really good at? This one is tricky. I’m good at math, but it’s not related to my purpose. I’m also good at writing, and that IS related to my purpose. Your skills and abilities may not exactly match up with your purpose, but there will be some overlap.

Be sure to visit the “What’s my purpose?” group in the forums to discuss your specific questions with me and with other readers. Feedback from others can provide interesting insights…

Have a great weekend!

This post was included in Frugal Dad’s weekly roundup and the Carnival of Life Worth Living and was featured in the Wisdom Journal–stop by and check out the other great posts!

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