Every year, my family (dad’s side) has a huge July 4th cookout at my parents’ house. The whole family attends, and with seven siblings (who produced 15 grandchildren and 26 great-grandchildren), it’s quite a sizable crowd. There is always great food, fireworks, gallons of beer, a gang of screaming kids, and a lot of laughter. I love these gatherings, but they have a tendency to press my mental rewind button and transport me back in time to the attitudes and beliefs of my childhood–for better or for worse.

Most of our deep-seated, unconscious beliefs about the way the world works are internalized early in childhood. Unfortunately, these beliefs often reflect the fears and anxieties of our parents. (This is the thing that terrifies me the most about having and raising children–that I will pass along my issues like some kind of hereditary disorder.) For example, a single mother whose husband left her during pregnancy may unintentionally pass along to her daughter the belief that men are unreliable and cannot be trusted. As you might imagine, this belief could cause the daughter to have serious difficulties in relationships when she is older. The worst part is that she may not even know why–the belief may be buried so deeply that she isn’t even aware of it.

Identifying these beliefs requires a great deal of introspection and self-awareness. (Therapy is really helpful here.) It can be incredibly difficult to recognize one of these beliefs at work in your life, and even harder to admit it to yourself and others–we tend to be deeply defensive about issues governed by childhood beliefs and attitudes. A good way to start is to search for patterns in your life in the areas of Romantic Relationships, Friendships, Money, Career, and Addiction (which could include overspending, eating disorders, gambling, drinking, using drugs, compulsive sexual activity, or any other behavior you have a difficult time controlling).

Here are a few limiting beliefs I’ve identified:

1. If I’m perfect, everyone will love me and my life will be peaceful and happy. If I’m not perfect, I’m a bad person who lets everyone down and no one will love me.
2. Food is a treat for when I’ve been good. It can also make me feel better when I’m sad or angry.
3. I can’t handle my life without something to take the edge off.
4. There will never be enough money, and you have to work really, really hard for the little you have.
5. Marriage is a sacrifice you make for your children. It’s supposed to be hard.
6. Gaining weight means my life is out of control. Losing weight means that I’m strong-willed and in control.

When we mature into adulthood, we may be able to logically understand that these beliefs are not correct, but it takes a lot of work to change them. One method I’ve used with some success (and written about before) is affirmations. The way it works is that you write a positive affirmation to counteract each limiting belief you identify. In situations where that belief usually operates, you repeat the affirmation (out loud, if you can).

My counteracting affirmations for the beliefs above would be:

1. The people in my life love and appreciate me for who I am.
2. (a) Food is for the nourishment of my body. (b) I confront and acknowledge my emotions, and I express them in healthy ways.
3. I am strong and capable, just as I am.
4. (a) There will always be enough money. (b) Money comes to me easily and effortlessly.
5. Marriage is a joy and a blessing.
6. I am so much more than my body.

What beliefs from your childhood still work in your life in negative ways?

I’m all about generating original content here at Semi-Charmed Wife, but sometimes,  brilliant people put out such great stuff that I am compelled to highlight it! Today’s post comes to us once more from Stephanie Qilao at Back in Skinny Jeans. I love her “Tiny Changes” strategy–I’ve featured it before, and I’m featuring it again!

The topic is… (drum roll) FORGIVENESS!

Go read the post–I’ll wait…

This week, pick one low hanging grudge, something minor, you’ve been holding onto and let it go. Forgive the other person and yourself.

I forgive you, A. I was really hurt that you shared what I told you in confidence, and I was angry that you dragged me into your personal drama with W. But I recognize that I had a large role in this mess, and I’m really sorry for it. I forgive both of us for being petty and small.

When you feel you can be emotionally objective for a moment, take a few minutes, and make a list of the top 5 things you’d like to forgive and heal, so you can let go of it. You don’t need to take any action yet, just write the list. The simple act of writing the list states your intent, and is a move in the direction of your joy. When you are ready, start to tackle each item on the list one at a time.

1. I’d like to forgive my parents.
2. I’d like to forgive my Christina.
3. I’d like to forgive ex-husband.
4. I’d like to forgive God (or whatever you want to call Him/Her/It).
5. I’d like to forgive myself.

Ask yourself, “What am I gaining by holding onto these hurts, grudges, and pains?” The only reason we hold onto to anything is because of some perceived benefits whether real or imagined. There is a part of you that is benefiting from holding onto the past. By looking at it consciously, you may find out that you don’t even remember why you’re even holding on to some of the hurts your holding on to. In other cases, you can gain insight on what you need to heal.

The answer is the same for all of them. By holding onto anger and pain, I am getting something very valuable–an excuse. Why did I throw away my first shot at a college education? Because of problems from my childhood, of course. I can’t be held responsible for that. Where did I first learn how to make myself throw up? From Christina. Clearly, it’s not my fault that I developed a severe eating disorder and gave into it for ten years. Where did I first learn to depend on substances instead of deal with my problems? From my ex-husband. He’s the one who taught me about drugs. Why did I get the breast cancer gene and have to have a masectomy? Why did I then have an allergic reaction to painkillers and have to go through it with only Tylenol? Oh, that was God. I never did anything to deserve that. But seriously, it’s all my fault. I’m a horrible, awful person and need to be punished. So I should drink too much. I shouldn’t exercise and eat right. I should sabotage friendships. I should push away people who love me.

That’s right. Holding onto this anger and pain just gives me an excuse for bad behavior.

Ask yourself, “What will I gain by letting go of these hurts, grudges, and pains?”

I will gain peace of mind, emotional comfort, focus, insight, and clarity. I’ll be able to look at myself clearly–without the distorting veil of hurt–and see what it is I’m here to do and how I can best do it. I’ll gain something I lost a long time ago–self-worth and personal power.

Is it more important for you to be right or to have peace? Sometimes, we hold onto an anger or grudge because we need to feel that we were in the right, and we cannot forgive until that other person admits that they were wrong and you were right. But really, each person has a part in an argument, and each person has a part in the forgiveness process. Does it really matter who makes the first move, and is it really worth it to waste valuable peaceful times with friends, loved ones, or collegues simply because your ego needs to feel vindicated? Would you rather have peace or the heaviness of a continued stand-off?

Oh, I want peace. I want peace so badly. I’m not in open conflict with anyone right now, which is almost worse, because it means that all the anger and pain and hurt is confined to my own mind. I need to release it in order to be free.

I want to do something to formalize this process, so I’m going to write letters to the people I named above expressing my feelings and venting all the anger, shame, frustration, and sadness that’s been bottled up. After I’ve written the letters, I’m going to burn them. From that point on, any time bad memories arise, I’ll tell myself “All is forgiven” and let it go.

Whom do you need to forgive?

I personally believe that life is a kind of classroom, and we’re all here to learn some spiritual lessons before we leave this world. (I’m in the middle of learning a very painful one right now–the kind where my own petty, catty behavior is coming back to bite me in the derriere. Hard. But that’s a story for another day…) One of those lessons is summed up very neatly in Kenny Rogers’s hit song, “The Gambler“:

You got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em
Know when to walk away, know when to run… (refrain)

Now every gambler knows that the secret to survivin’
Is knowin’ what to throw away and knowin’ what to keep… (verse 4)

When you look at your life as a whole–your behaviors, your relationships, your thoughts, your attitudes, your beliefs, your goals, your dreams, your desires–there’s going to be both (1) stuff that you need but don’t have and (2) stuff that you have but don’t need. We’re focusing on the second category today.

In most cases, the stuff you have but don’t need is fairly innocuous (like clothes that no longer fit)–but beware! It may be weighing you down and preventing you from developing as a person. In other cases, stuff you have but don’t need is actually causing you harm. One important and difficult skill to learn is how to identify the stuff you don’t need and get rid of it. (Side note: sometimes learning to want to get rid of it is the hardest part.)

So how can you sort through all the different thoughts and behaviors and people and habits and goals and patterns that populate your life and determine what you should throw away and what you should keep? Here’s the three-part process that’s working well for me:

1. Evaluate your feelings. As you know, I’ve been reevaluating my understanding of my life’s purpose lately. That process started because every time I sat down to do creative writing, I felt frustrated, disappointed in myself, and confused. I desperately loved the idea of being a novelist, though, and that made me feel good. My emotions were giving me mixed signals. Another example is that I set a goal for myself to work up to doing 25 on-the-toes pushups. I feel really resentful and resistant to working toward that goal. Maybe my feelings are trying to tell me something.
2. Use your intellect. Bring some logic into the process. Looking at my purpose, I was able to objectively observe that I was much more committed to my website and it’s “You can do it” message than I was to my creative writing. I write about personal development at least 5 days a week, but when it comes to my creative projects, I suddenly “don’t have time”. Logic tells me that I don’t really want to focus on fiction. With respect to my pushup goal, I’ve always been uncomfortable with strength training. As a tall, lanky person, it’s harder for me to feel and see results so I quickly get frustrated. But my intellect tells me that strength training (including pushups) is important and is beneficial to my overall health and fitness.
3. Consult your intuition. My gut has been telling me for a while that I was off-base with the creative writing focus. I just didn’t want to listen. Like anyone else, I don’t like being wrong. I also prefer having things settled and decided and concrete rather than up in the air, so I soldiered on knowing that I was probably wrong. My intuition loves my new message, and I get a strong feeling of “rightness” when I’m working with it. Regarding pushups, my intuition tells me that achieving this goal–even though it might be frustrating and take longer than I wanted–will be empowering and motivating. My gut is telling me to fight through the resistance and persevere.

So I decided to “throw away” the old purpose that didn’t really fit and keep the pushup goal. My emotions, intellect, and intuition gave me all the information I needed in order to make an informed decision, whereas–if I had listened to my emotions alone (which many of us do)–I would have either made the wrong decision or continued on in a state of confusion and disharmony.

This process can be especially helpful in dealing with people and attitudes that need to be released from your life. There’s a person on the fringes of my life–not a close friend, but someone I occasionally see–who’s caused a lot of drama and toxicity over the past six months. In that case, my intuition has known for a long time that I need to end that relationship, but my feelings (guilt, empathy, desire not to hurt someone’s feelings) have been standing in the way. Using this process made it much more clear to me that this person is a source of negativity and is having a detrimental effect on my other friendships. I’ve also used the three-step process with success in countering irrational beliefs (”If I’m perfect, everyone will love me”).

What stuff do you have but not need?