Getting to know all about me
Getting to like me
Getting to hope you like me

OK, so that’s not exactly how the song goes, but it’s a great lead-in to today’s topic: getting to know yourself.

I’ve mentioned before that I have many friends (this group includes me) mired in the dreaded quarter-life crisis or spinning their proverbial wheels trying to figure out their purpose in life–or at least what they should be doing to bring home the bacon! In my opinion, part of the reason this process–finding our message and medium–is so difficult for us is that we haven’t spent a lot of time getting to know our Selves. (Note the use of the capital S.) Not our personality of the moment (rebel, fighter, etc.), not our various roles (wife, mother, sister, daughter), but our true inner Selves.

Sounds great, right? So how do you do it? How do you cut through all the surface bullsh*t (’scuse my French) and get to the Real You?

Yeah, I don’t know either.

BUT I have some ideas that I’m currently working with, and I’d love to hear your suggestions as well. Here’s what I’ve been doing:

• Hit the brakes. Introspection requires time and focus–it’s not something that can be tacked on to your to-do list to tackle over a long lunch. Make a habit of setting aside time to spend with You. (A single mom I work with does this every night during her bath–her kids know not to bother her unless someone is bleeding or the house is on fire.)
• Focus on NOW. I read somewhere that 75% of the average person’s thoughts are focused on the past (who you were) or future (who you might become) rather than present (who you are). You are not your past. You are not your expectations of the future. You just ARE.
• Ask questions. What do I love? What excites me? What activities are fun for me? What would I do if I had all the money in the world? What is my mission? What are my hopes?
• Then flip them around. (I’ve been doing this as part of the journal I’m keeping for 30 days for my 101 things. I’ve learned some pretty interesting things about myself.) What do I hate? What bores me? What activities are excruciating for me? What would I do if I were broke and homeless? What is distracting me from my mission? What are my fears?
• Find your points of resistance. Do you keep putting off finishing your degree? Why? What are you getting out of the delay? Do you avoid exercise even though you intellectually want to do it? Why? How does that serve you? Would you like to go to therapy but just can’t make yourself pick up the phone and make an appointment? Why?
• Keep a journal. Oh, how I wish I’d been a diligent journal keeper when I was younger. How enlightening would it be to go back and look for constant themes throughout my life, to see how I’ve changed and how I’ve stayed the same? But it’s not too late–you can start right now!
• Look at the people around you. Do you gravitate toward strong-willed, opinionated people? Shy, reserved people? Funny people? Angry people? What do you get out of those relationships?

Do you feel like you know your true Self? If so, how did you get there? Do you have any suggestions to add to the list?

 I’ve officially reached “that age”. Pretty much every conversation I have with my girlfriends these days devolves into talk of babies–whether we want them, when to have them, how many to have, how to raise them, etc.. Ah, the joys of aging. Having kids isn’t an “if” for me–my husband and I know that we want children… someday. We’re just not sure when that someday will be. We want to be sure to have all of our ducks in a row before we take such a huge step in our lives. That’s the smart way to do things, right?

We’re both 30, so we’ve had more than a decade of adult freedom to do what we want, when we want, and how we want. That makes the prospect of bringing into the world a tiny person who will require and demand all of our time, attention, and resources absolutely terrifying. This is in stark contrast to most of my cousins, who had children in their teens. They were parents before they were finished being children. They never got to go to college–or in some cases, prom. They raised kids while working multiple jobs, often doing backbreaking manual labor. They scraped by as best they could. It was HARD, but they did it because they had no choice.

On the other hand, you have my husband and me, who are very financially secure, have substantial savings, have a solid marriage, and are totally convinced that we’re “not ready”. Worse, we don’t know when we’ll BE ready. We finally decided that we’ll probably start a family whenever our friends in the area start having kids. We figured that it’s just as good a time as any, because feeling “ready” will probably never come.

The great baby debate got me thinking about other things I put off because I’m “not ready”–like writing a book, for example. I’ve always wanted to be an author (still kind of up in the air as to whether that would be creative writing or some kind of nonfiction). I daydream about it, talk about it, think about it–hell, I even WRITE about wanting to be a writer. But I always come back to the same internal refrain: “The time’s not right. I need to wait until we have kids/I have more time/we buy a house/we pay off my student loans/move out of the area/I become a teacher and have summers off to write/we win the lottery/aliens land. I just need to get my ducks in a row before I can get started.”

Well, screw the damn ducks!

I’m slowly coming to the conclusion that the time is never going to be “right” for me to make a serious effort at living my dream. I will never feel “ready”. Those voices telling me to wait until I have my ducks in a row aren’t “smart” voices–they’re the voices of fear, insecurity, apathy, indecision, and self-doubt. 

A recent article by Slade Roberson described this self-defeating chain of thought: “I’m stuck at A and want to get to Z. As soon as I know what Steps C through Y are — as soon as I make sure Steps C through Y are there for me — I’ll happily proceed to Step B. That’s the responsible, logical, safe way to proceed.” Slade believes that Step C and Step D don’t even exist until you pick up your foot and take Step B. I tend to agree.

My awesome personal cheerleader, Kelli, recently sent me the Writer’s Market, a compilation of resources and opportunities for paid writing. (Thanks Kelli!!) So here’s what I’m going to do (and I need you all to hold me accountable for this because I’m as slippery as an eel when it comes to talking myself out of things)–I’m going to pick a writing project from that book, post about it, and set a deadline for completing and submitting it. If I don’t complete the project, I will send $20 to each and every one of you who calls me on it. It may seem silly, but I need to know that there’s a negative consequence to not following through on this.

What have you been waiting to start until your ducks are in a row? What step can you take to get started RIGHT NOW? What can you do to hold yourself accountable?

‘Cause you’ve got - (personality)
Walk - (personality) talk - (personality)
Smile - (personality) charm - (personality)
Love - (personality)“Personality” by Lloyd Price (1959)

I’ve always loved that song!

Notice that the singer says, “You’ve got personality”. Why is that interesting? Because I think most of us tend to think of our personalities as something that we are rather than something that we have. We might say “I’m funny” or “I’m shy” or ”I’m sensitive” or “I’m easily frustrated”. Note the presence of the power phrase “I AM”. This implies that those aspects of the personality are innate, inborn, and unchangeable.

But take a minute and think of someone you’ve known for a long time–a sibling or lifelong friend is best. What was that person like at different ages?

For example, my sister was such a ham when she was little–under 8 or 9. She was always making faces or mugging for the camera. When she was a few years older (12-13), she became very, very shy and reserved–she avoided a camera at all costs. Later in high school, she started running track and became a pretty competitive person, which was a major departure from previous years. In college, she was deeply introspective and focused more on intellectual and spiritual issues. In her mid-20s, she was a personal trainer and her main motivation was to help people. Now, she’s a mom and her personality has evolved to be a teacher, nurturer, and caregiver. She used to hate roller coasters and water slides; now she loves them. She used to love scary movies; now she hates them. She used to be a terribly finicky eater; now she’s not.

Everything about her has changed over the years–her likes and dislikes, her beliefs, her opinions, her priorities, her values, her personality. What does all of that mean? With all that change, where is her fundamental Audrey-ness, her “I am”-ness? How can she be the same person when everything about her–physically, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually–keeps changing?

The answer is… well, to be frank, it’s kind of weird and difficult to grasp. (And this is just MY personal answer to this question–different religions and spiritual systems teach different things, so take it with a grain of salt.) The real Audrey, the “I AM” Audrey, is the Observer, the part of her that is able to stand back and watch herself change and evolve. That Audrey is pure, eternal, unchanging spirit. That is the Audrey that has a life purpose. That is the Audrey that is searching for the right medium to deliver her message. That is the Audrey that directs the evolution of the personality over her lifetime.

Why does any of this matter? For one thing, I don’t know about you but sometimes I feel like I don’t like myself very much–or more accurately, I don’t like some of my thoughts, behaviors, choices, and actions. It’s important to remember that the things I don’t like about myself (for example, my tendency to make catty comments in my head about other people when I’m feeling insecure) are not ME and they are entirely within my power to change.

If you’re shy and you don’t like that you’re shy, you can change it. It’s not YOU (by which I mean, your “I am”) that’s shy; it’s a behavior, a part of your personality. Your personality probably learned to be shy some time in your past based on experiences you had. You can teach it something different. I think that looking at personal development in this way (i.e., I’m not trying to change “ME”, I’m trying to change behaviors and aspects of my personality) makes it much less threatening and scary.

Right now, I’m focusing on monitoring my thoughts and improving my focus. What about you? Are there things about your personality that you’d like to change? What are they, and how will you change them?

Ennui: a feeling of utter weariness and discontent resulting from satiety or lack of interest; boredom. 

The title of this post is a quote from “The Hound“, a short story by H.P. Lovecraft. The story is about two bored intellectuals who become involved in dark and terrible occult happenings with gruesome and macabre results. Très spooky. Why, you may ask, did they do this? To use the narrator’s words, they were seeking “respite from our devastating ennui”, or to put it simply, they were bored.

In my humble opinion, boredom is one of the most potentially destructive emotions known to human existence. (Note Lovecraft’s description of ennui as “devastating”. I can certainly empathize.) I’m not alone in this opinion–I’m sure you’ve heard the old saying “Idle hands are the devil’s playthings”. Oddly enough, I also believe that boredom is one of the most potentially transformative and growth-inspiring mental states possible. Most of us can only stand boredom for so long before we take action–for better or worse. That action might be a much-needed career change or breakup, or it might be an ill-advised and catastrophic gambling trip or illicit affair. 

One thing to remember about boredom is that happy people get bored too–being bored doesn’t mean you’re on the wrong path. For example, you might be in a successful career aligned with your purpose, and all of a sudden you cannot contemplate another day in the same office with the same people doing the same damn thing. Perhaps you’ve been so successful in your personal growth efforts that you now need more of a challenge. 

As I said, boredom doesn’t necessarily mean that what you’ve been doing is bad , but it always means that something needs to change. Boredom is a call to action and, whatever the reason for your ennui, if you’re bored for long enough, you’d better believe that you’re eventually going to do something to shake things up. The key is to be proactive and make sure that “something” is positive.

The first thing you need to do is take stock of your life. Do a mental inventory of your career, living arrangements, relationships, social life, hobbies, etc. Identify the specific areas that feel particularly constraining or boring, then try applying some of these strategies to alleviate your boredom and put some pizzaz back into your life:

• Challenge yourself. Bored at work? Go for that promotion. Dedicated runner? Start training for a marathon or triathlon. Like to write stories? Enter a short story contest. Love to cook? Come up with some new recipes. Pick something you love and are passionate about and find a way to make it challenging.
• Get involved. Join a club or association. Network with people who share your personal or career interests. Go to workshops, conferences, and lectures. Get out there!
• Find/become a mentor. Find someone who is where you want to be (or if you don’t know where you want to be, find someone who seems happy, fulfilled, and energetic) and pick their brain. How did they get there? What advice would they give you? Serving as a mentor can also be inspiring and challenging–helping someone else can make you see things from a fresh perspective. This strategy especially useful in the career arena, but you can use it in other areas as well. (For example, if you’re a newlywed who feels a bit bored in her marriage, you could find a happily married friend to talk to who could be your “marriage mentor”.)
• Volunteer. Volunteering is FABULOUS. Not only does it give you the warm fuzzy feeling of knowing that you’ve helped someone else, but you can also use it to “test drive” different careers and hobbies to see if you like them. You can also volunteer to take on new projects at work. You never know what opportunities and connections you might stumble upon, and it will make you look great to the boss!
• Get uncomfortable. Terrified of public speaking? Join Toastmasters or volunteer to give that big presentation at work. Horrible dancer (like me)? Take a dance class. Confirmed wallflower at parties? Try speed dating. Do something that pushes your limits, stretches your boundaries, and makes you just a little bit scared. It’ll be anything but boring!
• Move on. That’s right–this is the big one. Quit your job. Leave your hometown. Get out of your relationship. Only you can know for sure when it’s time to deploy the mother of all boredom busters, but I suspect there’s a time in everyone’s life when it’s necessary. (It would be wise to take it slowly with this one–think about it, journal about it, talk to friends/family/your therapist about it.)

I’ve been feeling a bit bored and constrained lately (mostly at work, but also in my social life/leisure time). I’m going to the BlogHer Conference, which will–I’m sure–give me tons of ideas for my website. I’m planning to take a striptease dance class (see “get uncomfortable”) with Zandria and a few other friends. I’m still working on what to do about my career boredom.

What about you? Are you bored? What are you going to do to liven things up?

A close friend of mine called me yesterday afternoon to tell me that the guy she’d been seeing had just ended their six-month relationship. Like any good girlfriend would, I picked up a bottle of cabernet and headed over to her place.

“Are you in love with him?” I asked.

“What?” she said, surprised. “No! God, no. I’m just…”

“Hurt?” I guessed.

“No,” she said. “Actually, I appreciate his honesty. We both knew it wasn’t going anywhere, and one of us was going to have to end it at some point.”

“So what’s upsetting you?”

“I just feel like this is not my life. This is not the life I’m supposed to lead. I’m not who I’m supposed to be, and I’m not doing what I’m supposed to do.”

My friend, like me, is a defense contractor. She feels like she’s treading water, a tiny cog in the unimaginably huge machinery of the federal government. She feels like what she does all day doesn’t mean anything, like nothing would change at all if she just stopped doing work (and I know exactly how she feels!). The end of this relationship was a wake-up call for her.

I asked her a few questions to try and get at what it is she feels she should be doing. After talking for a while, she came to the realization that she’s very drawn to disaster relief and the first responder community. This is something she’s always known deep down but had discounted because it doesn’t match her education and work experience. We talked about different ways to break into the field, and by the time I left last night, she was totally renewed and invigorated about the world of possibilities that had opened up before her.

It felt great to know that I had been able to be there with (and for) her as she tackled The Question (a/k/a, “What am I supposed to do with my life?”). More than that, it re-energized me in my pursuit of my own life’s purpose. I came up with my own plan to contact some people I know who teach in the DC school system and to begin preparing for the PRAXIS.

Are you living the life you’re supposed to lead? If not, what do you plan to do about it? I’d be happy to support you in your journey however I can!