A close friend of mine called me yesterday afternoon to tell me that the guy she’d been seeing had just ended their (somewhat casual) six-month relationship. Like any good girlfriend would, I picked up a bottle of cabernet and headed over to her place. She was absolutely devastated, which surprised me as I hadn’t realized that her feelings for him were that strong.

“Are you in love with him?” I asked.

“What?” she said, surprised. “No! God, no. I’m just…”

“Hurt?” I guessed.

“No,” she said. “Actually, I appreciate his honesty. We both knew it wasn’t going anywhere, and one of us was going to have to end it at some point.”

“So what’s upsetting you?”

“I just feel like this is not my life. This is not the life I’m supposed to lead. I’m not who I’m supposed to be, and I’m not doing what I’m supposed to do.”

My friend, like me, is a defense contractor. She feels like she’s treading water, a tiny cog in the unimaginably huge machinery of the federal government. She feels like what she does all day doesn’t mean anything, like nothing would change at all if she just stopped doing work (and I know exactly how she feels!). The end of this relationship was a wake-up call for her.

I asked her a few questions to try and get at what it is she feels she should be doing. After talking for a while, she came to the realization that she’s very drawn to disaster relief and the first responder community. This is something she’s always known deep down but had never admitted to herself because it doesn’t match her education and work experience. We came up with a list of options for her to investigate, and by the time I left last night, she was totally renewed and invigorated about the world of possibilities that had opened up before her.

It felt great to know that I had been able to help and support her as she tackled The Question (a/k/a, “What am I supposed to do with my life?”). More than that, it re-energized me in my pursuit of my own life’s purpose. I came up with my own plan to contact some people I know who teach in the DC school system and to begin preparing for the PRAXIS.

Are you living the life you’re supposed to lead? If not, what do you plan to do about it? I’d be happy to support you in your journey however I can!

One of my life goals, something I absolutely must do before I die, is to run a marathon. I’m currently training for the Marine Corps Marathon, which will take place on October 26. I’ve tried training for a few marathons before, but I’ve always gotten hurt about 2/3 of the way through the training process and been unable to run the race. (Not this year, though. Nope. This is THE YEAR OF THE MARATHON.)

I’m doing everything right this time around. I’m following a training program and being careful not to overdo it. After years of avoiding strength training like the plague, I’m taking personal training sessions, which will strengthen my hamstrings (which are my most injury-prone area) and keep me from getting hurt. I’m eating well and getting plenty of rest. I’m drinking water like it’s going out of style.

Oh, and I’m doing regular visualization exercises.

That’s right. Every single time I go for a run, I imagine myself running the last few miles of the marathon. (I’ve seen the MCM a couple of times, so I’m familiar with the course which makes this fairly easy to do.) I imagine the crowds of people lining the course. I picture my husband, my parents, and my sister screaming my name as I run by. I visualize myself running across that finish line, feeling the elation I’ll experience when I achieve this lifetime goal. Visualizing that moment gives me a huge surge of joy and energy and gets me through the longest of long runs.

Interestingly enough, visualization also strengthens muscle memory. I read an article (which, naturally, I can’t find now) about a tennis player who was injured and out of the game for a few months. As he was recuperating, he engaged in hours of “mental practice” every day–the same amount of time he’d dedicated to physical practice. When he was finally permitted to return to the court, his doctors were amazed to find that he was playing at 90% of his peak performance level. Amazing!

I’m sure you’ve all heard the old chestnut, “If you can believe it, you can achieve it.” And maybe you’ve also heard “I’ll believe it when I see it.” If you put all that together, you get this: If you can see [visualize] it, you’ll believe it; and if you believe it, you’ll achieve it. It makes sense, doesn’t it? I mean, if you can’t even imagine yourself achieving your goal, how will you ever have the drive, self-confidence, perseverance, and motivation to cross that finish line?

Do you have a visualization success story?

I’m going to go out on a limb today and ask some questions that make many people (myself included) a little bit uncomfortable. The subject I want to tackle is religion and/or spirituality. (I use both terms because I know both people who consider themselves “spiritual but not religious” and people who consider themselves members of a major religion, and I’d like to hear from as broad a group as possible.)

Lately I’ve been feeling like I need to pay more attention to my spiritual life. I devote a lot of time and effort to improving myself mentally, emotionally, and physically. I read voraciously about personal development. I’ve always got a personal improvement project or two (or five) in the works. I’m continually striving to grow and learn and change. But–even though I believe that there is an eternal, spiritual part of me–I do next to nothing for my spiritual self. This was especially evident to me as I struggled through 21 days of meditation.

As I’ve been thinking about this topic, I’ve realized that this is the one subject that is totally off-limits for me and most of my friends. I can talk to the girls about my sex life and my work drama, but not about my thoughts on the existence of the soul. I can initiate debates about abortion and gun control, but I can’t bring myself to ask about belief in God. Maybe it’s just me, but it’s something that feels intensely personal and that I’m very reluctant to share.

So I’m sharing it with the whole Interweb. ‘Cause that makes sense.

Here are the questions with my answers. I’m using the term “God” to mean the Higher Power that you believe in (if you believe in one), whatever you may call that Power. I’m truly interested to see how you feel and what you believe, and you–my regular readers–are the most open-minded, thoughtful people I know! If you feel comfortable enough, please do let me know your answers in the comments (you can even comment under a fake name)…

Do you believe in God?
Yes, but not in the “bearded old man in a white robe taking notes on my sins and transgressions” sort of way. More in the “there’s something bigger than me out there, and it’s a good, benevolent, loving Something” sort of way.

Do you believe that you have an eternal soul?
Yes, I definitely do. I’m reading Sacred Contracts right now (detailed review to come), and the author proposes the idea that each soul enters this world with a specific mission or “contract”–lessons that it must learn, experiences that it must have. That really resonates with me.

Are you a member of a church/religion? If so, what do you believe about your church/religion?
I suppose so. I converted to the Catholic Church in my early 20s, and I still consider myself Catholic-ish. As for what I believe about Catholicism, the best way I can put it is to quote a Hindu priest I met in India. I asked him what he thought of Christianity as a path to the Divine. He said, “It doesn’t matter what color the cow is–the milk is all the same.” That pretty much sums up how I feel about religion–that there are an infinite number of ways to get at the Truth, and they’re all valid ways.

Do you regularly attend religious/spiritual services?
No. I go to Mass sporadically, and I always feel so uplifted when I do, but I haven’t made the effort to make it a regular part of my life.

Do you pray?
Yes, but it’s a “God, please let me not get a speeding ticket” kind of thing, which I’m not sure counts as actual “prayer”. Do I set aside time in which I consciously commune with or talk to God? Sadly, no.

What other religious/spiritual practices do you have? Is there a particularly rewarding practice that you’d like to share?
Yeah, I’ve got nothin’ here…

What religious/spiritual practices would you like to add to your life?
I want to develop a regular meditation practice. I believe that would improve my life in many, many ways. So far, I’ve experienced a great deal of internal resistance with this, which baffles me, but I’m still working on it. (I’m looking for a good beginner guided meditation CD if anyone has recommendations.) I’d also like to pray more in the sense of communing with God and just… feeling the presence of the Eternal. I found my gratitude exercise very rewarding, and I think that would be a great addition to any spiritual practice. And I’d love to get into the habit of giving thanks at meals.

I hope to hear from some of you about your beliefs and practices. I hope I didn’t make anyone hideously uncomfortable or offend anyone (if I did, please know that it was not intentional!). I think we could all benefit from a more open dialogue about this very important but often neglected part of our lives…

As you may know, I’m fascinated with religions and spirituality. I spent a year of my undergraduate program studying comparative religion and culture in four countries in Asia. I absolutely loved it, and I wish I had more time now to devote to the subject. Some time along the way, I encountered a spiritual concept called the Four Powers of the Sphinx.

Here’s a brief description from a French occultist named Eliphas Levi:

To attain… the knowledge and power of the Magi, there are four indispensable conditions–an intelligence illuminated by study, an intrepidity which nothing can check, a will which cannot be broken, and a prudence which nothing can corrupt and nothing intoxicate. TO KNOW, TO DARE, TO WILL, TO KEEP SILENCE…

(Don’t ask me why they’re called the Four Powers of the Sphinx–no idea…)

This concept came to mind yesterday when I was writing my post about triggers. I was thinking about my “people” trigger and recalling the reaction of my friend when we were out to dinner and I didn’t overeat. In that instance, I didn’t tell her why I wasn’t joining in the feast. I didn’t explain about my disordered eating. I didn’t tell her I wanted to get to my best running weight. I just politely declined and tried to sidestep the issue. And it worked! That got me thinking about how sometimes silence is the best policy, which reminded me of the quote above.

Now, I don’t know about attaining the “knowledge and power of the Magi”, but what if we converted the Four Powers of the Sphinx to the Four Pillars of Achieving Your Goals? Observe…

1. To know. In order to achieve a goal, you must first know exactly what that goal is. For example, “I want to be wealthy” is not a specific, achievable goal. How do you know when you’ve reached “wealthy”? How do you measure your success–in dollars? Possessions? Personal freedoms? Levi describes this Power as “an intelligence illuminated by study”, so that means you’re going to have to do some work to figure out your goals. You might need to do research, ask questions, contact experts, or take trips to find the information you need. One thing is certain–in order to have a clear goal, you have to precisely define what it is you’re seeking to obtain.
2. To dare. Levi says you must have “an intrepidity which nothing can check”. “Intrepidity” is defined as being fearless or dauntless, which means you have to conquer your fears. Take a hard look at your goal. What would scare you about achieving it? Looking at our example in #1, if you’re wealthy, you have more to lose. You might become a target for unscrupulous people who want a piece of your wealth. You might have to become a workaholic to earn that kind of money, thereby losing your family and friends. You might be seduced by material objects and forget who you are. Figure out the things that scare you about success and address those fears.
3. To will. Are you willing to do whatever it takes to achieve your goal? Are you willing to work hard, potentially to suffer, on the road to success? Will you persevere through the difficult times? Do you have “a will which cannot be broken”? For me, this step is probably the most difficult. I hate to say it, but I’m very easily discouraged. When the going gets tough, sometimes I just get frustrated and quit. The good news is that willpower is inextricably linked to desire and emotions–as they say, you’ve got to want it. You can use techniques like vision boards or other tools to strengthen your desire, which will in turn boost your will.
4. To keep silence. This part is interesting. I’ve talked a lot about the need for a support network, for a personal cheerleader to encourage you through the rough spots, and I still believe that to be true. I firmly believe that having some kind of support system maximizes your chances for success. However, disclosing your goals to other people also opens you up to their issues and their “energy”, for lack of a better word. Let me elaborate…

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As any regular reader knows, we here at Semi-Charmed Wife (and yes, that’s the royal “we”) love to engage in personal development challenges and experiments. From curbing nonessential shopping to waking up early to cutting out alcohol, I’m always looking for a way to be… better. I have a deep fear of resting on my laurels and becoming complacent, of settling for good enough rather than aiming for great, of never reaching my full potential, so I’m always pushing pushing pushing to do more, be better, run faster, eat cleaner, work harder.

My very insightful personal cheerleader recently said in an email that it seems like sometimes I’m trying to prove myself with all of my personal development projects. There’s definitely some truth to that. As I mentioned in a previous post, one of the labels I’ve been wearing for a while is Screwup. I’ve spent most of my adulthood trying to atone for the mistakes of my teenage years. Some of that was healthy and good and some of it was completely over-the-top and self-punishing, but that’s neither here nor there.

The question of the moment for me is when does self-improvement become a negative? When should I be practicing self-acceptance instead?

For example, I hate strength/weight training. Hate it. Compared to the euphoric high and immediate stress relief I get from running, I find strength training to be tedious and, well, boring. So should I force myself to do it as a willpower-building self-improvement exercise, or should I accept that I don’t like it and stick to doing what I love?

Another example: I’m very resistant to meditation, but time and time again, I’ve been told that I need to practice it. I’m allergic to opiates, so my post-surgery pain management doctor suggested that I engage in regular meditation to learn to cope with pain without the benefit of drugs. My former therapist told me that I have a hard time staying focused on one project, and that meditation would help me become more centered. Most recently, Vera’s reading advised me to engage in meditation to help me live more in the now. But I just don’t want to. So should I suck it up and do it anyway, or accept my preferences and look for another way?

Should a shy person accept her personality the way it is, or try to become more outgoing?

Should my husband–who despises all vegetables (no joke, he’ll eat lettuce and that’s about it)–try to eat broccoli and spinach for the health benefits, or should he stick to what he likes and supplement with a multivitamin?

I don’t have the answers to these questions, but I’d be interested to hear your perspective. When is self-improvement healthy, and when would self-acceptance be the better path?