I just wanted to thank you all for your comments and encouragement yesterday–I really needed it! The rest of the day went perfectly. I ate well. I exercised. I didn’t give in to shame and self-loathing, which is a real victory in and of itself (as anyone who’s ever had a relapse with any kind of addictive/compulsive behavior can tell you). As much as I didn’t want to write about what happened (and I reeeeeally didn’t), I think it made all the difference in helping me move past it. Putting it into writing made it less threatening and more confrontable somehow, and my hope is that it will be helpful to others who deal with disordered eating.

After some reflection (and after some great advice & insight from you), I think my mini-backslide was caused primarily by two things. The first is alcohol. As many of you pointed out, it lowers inhibitions, diminishes judgment, and screws up blood sugar. It put me in a chemical state that was more conducive to both disordered eating AND disordered thinking. I’m done with that, thankyouverymuch. No more booze for me.

The second factor was one that I didn’t recognize until Kelli and VeryBadCat pointed it out to me. I’ve been working on releasing my “Fighter” label, which entails undoing about 30 years of internal conditioning. As perverse as it sounds, I get anxious when things are too easy. Could it be that I created a little battle for myself to fight and win? Maybe that’s why I didn’t learn from Friday night and repeated the same behavior on Saturday?

Anyway, thanks to all of you for your comments and emails. I’m feeling so much better! Usually, I’d say that I’m ready to get back in the fight, but in the spirit of change, I’ll say that I’m at peace with who and where I am and I’m ready to accept what today has to offer me.

I wasn’t sure how (or even if) I was going to address this, but I’m really making an effort to be honest and open about my struggle with disordered eating, so here we go.

This weekend was a complete disaster for me, and I don’t really know why. I mean, my job stress has dramatically decreased. I don’t have any ongoing conflicts with friends or family members. My marriage is fantastic, and we’re in great shape financially. I’m sticking to my marathon training schedule and going to personal training sessions. Everything is going really well on the surface.

And I thought that things were going well beneath the surface too. I don’t feel particularly sad, angry, frustrated, restless, lonely, guilty, or any other negative emotion. I feel a vague sense of ennui about my career, but I’m excited about taking the PRAXIS in July and feeling positive overall about my future. If something’s bothering me, I’m not consciously aware of it.

I had bad–BAD–disordered eating episodes on Friday night and Saturday night. I’ll spare you the grim details. The only thing I can think of is that I had alcohol on both nights–two beers at dinner on Friday with my husband, several cocktails on Saturday night (out with the girls). Maybe after going so long without alcohol, the drinks had a more pronounced effect on my mood and/or blood sugar? That’s the only theory I’ve come up with…

(Note: Just to be on the safe side, no more alcohol for me for the foreseeable future. It’s just not worth it.)

Today, I feel… well, you know how it is. I feel anxious. I feel kind of like a failure (yes, intellectually, I know that two nights don’t undo the years of work I’ve put into getting over this, but still). I’m disappointed in myself–especially in the fact that I didn’t seem to learn from Friday night’s experience, and that I didn’t reach out to anyone for help or a friendly ear. I feel guilty and ashamed. It ain’t pretty over here at SCW headquarters.

But I’ll pull myself out of it. I got up and did my scheduled run this morning. I’ve eaten very healthy foods so far and will continue to do so. I’m writing about it, which always makes me feel better. I’m slowly but surely turning this frown upside down.

Ahhhhhhh. I do feel better having gotten that off my chest. Thanks for ‘listening’! So… any theories about why this might have happened? Do you think I’m on target with the alcohol hypothesis, or do you think something else might be going on?

I’ve written before about my experiences with disordered eating, and I’d like to dig more deeply into the issue of triggers. As I mentioned, Zandria and I are working together on a project to explore disordered eating and get it out of the proverbial closet. I posted recently about an instance when I overcame one of my usual triggers by planning ahead. That was a real confidence-builder for me, and I wondered if I could create the experience again.

As you all know, I love a good experiment. So in preparation for this post, I conducted a little test yesterday with another of my triggers–the dreaded candy bar. I wanted to see if I could eat a candy bar without feeling the overwhelming urge to binge (or worse). I knew that I’d need to go into the experiment feeling strong, so I made sure to get a good run in and to eat a healthy breakfast and a lighter lunch than usual.

I bought a Twix around 3:30pm and ate it at my desk. I waited for the inevitable surge of guilt and self-loathing.

3:35pm. Nothing.

3:40pm. Still feeling strong.

4:00pm. I had a meeting and was totally distracted from the experiment. Oops!

I didn’t expect to run screaming into the street, but I did anticipate more of a struggle, more negative self-talk. It seems that, at least for me, planning ahead really helps in coping with triggers. This is very valuable information for me, because I’m heading home for July 4 and I’ll be sorely tested by stressful family situations and copious amounts of unhealthy food. Which brings me to my next point…

These are my three biggest triggers for disordered eating:

• People who expect me to be a big eater. There are certain friends and family members who were around me when I was at the height of my binge-y disordered eating behavior. Because I remained fairly slender, they thought I just had a super-high metabolism and ate like a horse. This, sadly, was not the case. When I’m around those people now, they expect to see the same huge appetite, and they often become angry or frustrated (I know–it doesn’t make sense to me either) when I eat smaller portions.
• Certain foods. “Bad” foods, in particular. The list includes, but is not limited to, anything in the cake/pastry/cookie family, nuts and nut butters (I know they’re good for you, but I have to be really careful with them), fast food, candy bars, anything fried or processed, breads, and Italian food (particularly pasta and pizza). Eating out at all used to be a huge trigger for me, but I’ve gotten much better about that.
• Feelings. I’m definitely an emotional eater. The biggest culprits are feelings of guilt, shame, rejection, criticism, loneliness, restlessness, boredom, anxiety, sadness, and excitement. (Yes, even some “good” emotions trigger disordered eating for me.)

What are your triggers? How do you cope with them? Does planning ahead help you, or does it make you more anxious?

I posted on Sunday about a disordered eating episode last week that really shook my self-confidence. I had been doing well for the past few months, and this slip snuck up on me and took me by surprise. It felt good to write about it, even though I didn’t go into detail. It was my way of saying to myself–it’s going to be OK. Healing is a process, and processes don’t have a beginning and an end.

Zandria emailed me after that post to let me know that she appreciated me sharing that experience, and that she’d like to work together on a project related to disordered eating. (She asked her readers for feedback–stop by and throw in your two cents!) The project would allow writers to deal with our own eating issues by sharing our experiences and eating habits while also doing some outreach to let others know that they’re not alone. So many people are affected by disordered eating, and it can be a very alienating lifestyle. Anorexics need to be alone to starve, bulimics isolate themselves to purge, and binge eaters hide themselves away to binge. It’s a very lonely place to be.

We thought that a good place to start might be to write about triggers and what we did or didn’t do when faced with them. I’ve got a great example…

I had dinner with an old friend a few nights ago. She’s known me for years, but she doesn’t know about my disordered eating issues (I don’t think she does anyway). She’s always assumed that I ate a lot because I had a high metabolism. My metabolism is indeed higher than average, but the truth is that I was out of control and binging, which was followed by… you get the idea. The point of all this is that she’s grown accustomed to seeing me overeat. Eating with her has become a trigger for me.

I had a plan going into the meal. I went online and picked out exactly what I’d order (an appetizer, an entree, and a side dish–no alcohol or dessert). Then I went to the bank and withdrew exactly the amount of cash I’d need to pay for my pre-selected items. I left my credit cards in the car so I wouldn’t be tempted to deviate from my plan.

I was pretty anxious when I got to the restaurant and pretty much immediately inhaled two pieces of bread. Oops! Fortunately, I was able to recognize that what I was doing was emotional eating, and I managed to rein myself in before I got too far out of control. My friend wanted us to each order an appetizer, and then share a third one. (She works out, looks great, and can definitely afford the occasional indulgence. She just wanted to try several of the items on the menu.) I told myself that I hadn’t planned to pay for (or eat) half of an additional appetizer, and I was able to stand firm with my original choice.

I wound up switching my entree from seafood to steak (same price), but I did it because I’ve been running more and I know I could stand to have the extra iron. I feel good about that substitution. I told my friend that instead of dessert, I was going to order a side dish, and I stuck with my original healthy selection–artichoke hearts. My friend ordered dessert, and she really wanted me to get one too (or at least to share hers). I was incredibly tempted, and it took a lot of mental effort to say no, but I did it.

To sum up:

Trigger: Eating with a friend who thinks of me as a “big eater”
Countermeasure: Planning my meal, bringing only enough cash to cover my pre-selected food

It may sound silly, but I’m so proud of myself for getting through that meal without losing control. Coming on the heels of my slip on Friday, I was afraid that I was headed for a major backslide. This success was exactly the self-confidence boost I needed.

I’d love some feedback from you. Would posts like this be helpful for those of you who experience disordered eating? Are there other ways to approach the topic that would be more helpful? What are some of your triggers, and how do you handle them?

First, an update on my various personal development experiments, which–considering the number of them I (wisely or not) have going on–are going surprising well…

• I’m on my 15th day with no alcohol at all, and I absolutely do not miss it. After this makeover is complete, I may have the occasional glass of wine, but I highly doubt that I’ll ever be a habitual social drinker again. I just feel too good without it!
• Yesterday was the last day of my week without complaints. I learned that I don’t complain that often, and when I do, it’s typically about something in my physical environment (e.g., the bloody heat!!!) rather than about another person. Good to know…
• I’ve been fairly consistent in getting up at 5:00am over the past week (I allow myself a window until 5:30, which I’ve used three times). I did sleep in until 8:00am yesterday and I didn’t meditate–I was exhausted!–so I’m adding a day onto the end of the makeover. I think I need to learn how to meditate properly though. I just don’t feel like I’m doing it right.
• I’ve been doing pretty well with not shopping. I wound up being treated for my birthday at my planned eating out events last Sunday and Tuesday, so I spent much less than I had anticipated. Most of my other spending was in the “allowable” category I set out before beginning this challenge (gas, fruit, personal hygiene items), but I did have one unplanned eating out event. A friend was having a really horrible week at work and asked me to pick up a bottle of wine and come over. I did (but didn’t drink any of it!) and we wound up grabbing dinner at Chipotle. I also had an unplanned food-related expenditure on Friday evening, which brings me to my confession…

I had a disordered eating episode on Friday. I won’t go into details because I know that many people who struggle with disordered eating find graphic descriptions to be triggering. I’m not quite sure what caused it. I wasn’t having a particularly stressful day–if anything, it was the opposite. Work was SLOW. I did make a silly mistake on a document, and my boss teased me about it. I’m an obsessive perfectionist, so things like that really bother me–that was possibly a factor.

I wish I could say that I “couldn’t help it”, but the truth is that I knew exactly what I was doing and could have chosen to stop at any time. I just didn’t want to. Sad but true. After it was over, my old friends Guilt and Shame came over for a visit and spent the rest of the day with me. I was afraid that the episode would trigger a huge backslide, but it didn’t. That says something about how far I’ve come over the past 13 years. For anyone else out there who struggles with this issue, remember–one slip does not undo all of your hard work!!

I feel great today! I got my 5-mile run in, and I’m babysitting my niece tonight. Life is good, and I have a lot to be thankful for.

Thanks for “listening”!