A close friend of mine called me yesterday afternoon to tell me that the guy she’d been seeing had just ended their (somewhat casual) six-month relationship. Like any good girlfriend would, I picked up a bottle of cabernet and headed over to her place. She was absolutely devastated, which surprised me as I hadn’t realized that her feelings for him were that strong.

“Are you in love with him?” I asked.

“What?” she said, surprised. “No! God, no. I’m just…”

“Hurt?” I guessed.

“No,” she said. “Actually, I appreciate his honesty. We both knew it wasn’t going anywhere, and one of us was going to have to end it at some point.”

“So what’s upsetting you?”

“I just feel like this is not my life. This is not the life I’m supposed to lead. I’m not who I’m supposed to be, and I’m not doing what I’m supposed to do.”

My friend, like me, is a defense contractor. She feels like she’s treading water, a tiny cog in the unimaginably huge machinery of the federal government. She feels like what she does all day doesn’t mean anything, like nothing would change at all if she just stopped doing work (and I know exactly how she feels!). The end of this relationship was a wake-up call for her.

I asked her a few questions to try and get at what it is she feels she should be doing. After talking for a while, she came to the realization that she’s very drawn to disaster relief and the first responder community. This is something she’s always known deep down but had never admitted to herself because it doesn’t match her education and work experience. We came up with a list of options for her to investigate, and by the time I left last night, she was totally renewed and invigorated about the world of possibilities that had opened up before her.

It felt great to know that I had been able to help and support her as she tackled The Question (a/k/a, “What am I supposed to do with my life?”). More than that, it re-energized me in my pursuit of my own life’s purpose. I came up with my own plan to contact some people I know who teach in the DC school system and to begin preparing for the PRAXIS.

Are you living the life you’re supposed to lead? If not, what do you plan to do about it? I’d be happy to support you in your journey however I can!

One of my life goals, something I absolutely must do before I die, is to run a marathon. I’m currently training for the Marine Corps Marathon, which will take place on October 26. I’ve tried training for a few marathons before, but I’ve always gotten hurt about 2/3 of the way through the training process and been unable to run the race. (Not this year, though. Nope. This is THE YEAR OF THE MARATHON.)

I’m doing everything right this time around. I’m following a training program and being careful not to overdo it. After years of avoiding strength training like the plague, I’m taking personal training sessions, which will strengthen my hamstrings (which are my most injury-prone area) and keep me from getting hurt. I’m eating well and getting plenty of rest. I’m drinking water like it’s going out of style.

Oh, and I’m doing regular visualization exercises.

That’s right. Every single time I go for a run, I imagine myself running the last few miles of the marathon. (I’ve seen the MCM a couple of times, so I’m familiar with the course which makes this fairly easy to do.) I imagine the crowds of people lining the course. I picture my husband, my parents, and my sister screaming my name as I run by. I visualize myself running across that finish line, feeling the elation I’ll experience when I achieve this lifetime goal. Visualizing that moment gives me a huge surge of joy and energy and gets me through the longest of long runs.

Interestingly enough, visualization also strengthens muscle memory. I read an article (which, naturally, I can’t find now) about a tennis player who was injured and out of the game for a few months. As he was recuperating, he engaged in hours of “mental practice” every day–the same amount of time he’d dedicated to physical practice. When he was finally permitted to return to the court, his doctors were amazed to find that he was playing at 90% of his peak performance level. Amazing!

I’m sure you’ve all heard the old chestnut, “If you can believe it, you can achieve it.” And maybe you’ve also heard “I’ll believe it when I see it.” If you put all that together, you get this: If you can see [visualize] it, you’ll believe it; and if you believe it, you’ll achieve it. It makes sense, doesn’t it? I mean, if you can’t even imagine yourself achieving your goal, how will you ever have the drive, self-confidence, perseverance, and motivation to cross that finish line?

Do you have a visualization success story?

First, an update on my various personal development experiments, which–considering the number of them I (wisely or not) have going on–are going surprising well…

• I’m on my 15th day with no alcohol at all, and I absolutely do not miss it. After this makeover is complete, I may have the occasional glass of wine, but I highly doubt that I’ll ever be a habitual social drinker again. I just feel too good without it!
• Yesterday was the last day of my week without complaints. I learned that I don’t complain that often, and when I do, it’s typically about something in my physical environment (e.g., the bloody heat!!!) rather than about another person. Good to know…
• I’ve been fairly consistent in getting up at 5:00am over the past week (I allow myself a window until 5:30, which I’ve used three times). I did sleep in until 8:00am yesterday and I didn’t meditate–I was exhausted!–so I’m adding a day onto the end of the makeover. I think I need to learn how to meditate properly though. I just don’t feel like I’m doing it right.
• I’ve been doing pretty well with not shopping. I wound up being treated for my birthday at my planned eating out events last Sunday and Tuesday, so I spent much less than I had anticipated. Most of my other spending was in the “allowable” category I set out before beginning this challenge (gas, fruit, personal hygiene items), but I did have one unplanned eating out event. A friend was having a really horrible week at work and asked me to pick up a bottle of wine and come over. I did (but didn’t drink any of it!) and we wound up grabbing dinner at Chipotle. I also had an unplanned food-related expenditure on Friday evening, which brings me to my confession…

I had a disordered eating episode on Friday. I won’t go into details because I know that many people who struggle with disordered eating find graphic descriptions to be triggering. I’m not quite sure what caused it. I wasn’t having a particularly stressful day–if anything, it was the opposite. Work was SLOW. I did make a silly mistake on a document, and my boss teased me about it. I’m an obsessive perfectionist, so things like that really bother me–that was possibly a factor.

I wish I could say that I “couldn’t help it”, but the truth is that I knew exactly what I was doing and could have chosen to stop at any time. I just didn’t want to. Sad but true. After it was over, my old friends Guilt and Shame came over for a visit and spent the rest of the day with me. I was afraid that the episode would trigger a huge backslide, but it didn’t. That says something about how far I’ve come over the past 13 years. For anyone else out there who struggles with this issue, remember–one slip does not undo all of your hard work!!

I feel great today! I got my 5-mile run in, and I’m babysitting my niece tonight. Life is good, and I have a lot to be thankful for.

Thanks for “listening”!

I’m in the middle of a number of personal development experiments. I’m on my 13th day of my no alcohol 21-Day Makeover. I’m on my 6th day of both a week of no complaining and a month of no shopping. I’m on my 5th day of two 21-Day Makeovers that have me getting up every day at 5:00am and meditating.(I always do this–I get really excited about projects and start a million of them! Sometimes it works, sometimes it backfires. We’ll see…) As you might imagine, all these experiments require a great amount of willpower on my part.

I’ve been doing a great job with all of them, too. I’ve had zero alcohol. I’ve learned to catch myself mid-complaint. I’ve only shopped for permissible items. I’ve gotten up insanely early every day and meditated for at least 10 minutes. I’m pretty impressed with myself. But I’ve noticed that as I’ve been doing so well with my experiments, I’ve lost control in another area–my diet. I’ve been choosing healthy food for the most part, but my portion control has been pretty much nonexistent.

What??? Why??? It just doesn’t seem fair!

It turns out that science can actually explain this phenomenon. According to this article, “The brain has a limited capacity for self-regulation, so exerting willpower in one area often leads to backsliding in others.” Aha! That certainly explains it. Listen to the scientists…

The brain’s store of willpower is depleted when people control their thoughts, feelings or impulses, or when they modify their behavior in pursuit of goals. Psychologist Roy Baumeister and others have found that people who successfully accomplish one task requiring self-control are less persistent on a second, seemingly unrelated task… What limits willpower? Some have suggested that it is blood sugar, which brain cells use as their main energy source and cannot do without for even a few minutes. Most cognitive functions are unaffected by minor blood sugar fluctuations over the course of a day, but planning and self-control are sensitive to such small changes. Exerting self-control lowers blood sugar, which reduces the capacity for further self-control.

Bummer! So what’s a self-improvement-minded girl to do? Eat a steady diet of chocolate to keep the old blood sugar up?

The scientists have some suggestions. In the short term, they recommend that if you know you’re going to have to use willpower (e.g., you’re going to a party and don’t want to overindulge in food and alcohol), you shouldn’t use up your limited stores of self-control before the main event (e.g., don’t force yourself to spend hours cleaning the house or studying right before the party).

In the longer term, the experts tell us that we can actually increase the strength of our willpower. We need to send ourselves to Willpower Boot Camp! By engaging in personal improvement challenges (like our 21-Day Makeovers!!), we can improve our self-control in all aspects of our lives. So if I stick with it, my no-alcohol challenge will eventually make me stronger when it comes to portion control.

We can also engage in exercise expressly for the purpose of building willpower. “In psychological studies, even something as simple as using your nondominant hand to brush your teeth for two weeks can increase willpower capacity.” Sounds simple enough! Some other self-control builders might be:

• Forcing yourself not to look at the clock for the duration of two entire songs while you’re exercising.
• Reading an entire newspaper article every day on a topic you’re not particularly interested in.
• Standing on one leg for a certain period of time (seriously!).
• Creating and implementing a budget.

What will you do to build your willpower biceps?

I personally believe that life is a kind of classroom, and we’re all here to learn some spiritual lessons before we leave this world. (I’m in the middle of learning a very painful one right now–the kind where my own petty, catty behavior is coming back to bite me in the derriere. Hard. But that’s a story for another day…) One of those lessons is summed up very neatly in Kenny Rogers’s hit song, “The Gambler“:

You got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em
Know when to walk away, know when to run… (refrain)

Now every gambler knows that the secret to survivin’
Is knowin’ what to throw away and knowin’ what to keep… (verse 4)

When you look at your life as a whole–your behaviors, your relationships, your thoughts, your attitudes, your beliefs, your goals, your dreams, your desires–there’s going to be both (1) stuff that you need but don’t have and (2) stuff that you have but don’t need. We’re focusing on the second category today.

In most cases, the stuff you have but don’t need is fairly innocuous (like clothes that no longer fit)–but beware! It may be weighing you down and preventing you from developing as a person. In other cases, stuff you have but don’t need is actually causing you harm. One important and difficult skill to learn is how to identify the stuff you don’t need and get rid of it. (Side note: sometimes learning to want to get rid of it is the hardest part.)

So how can you sort through all the different thoughts and behaviors and people and habits and goals and patterns that populate your life and determine what you should throw away and what you should keep? Here’s the three-part process that’s working well for me:

1. Evaluate your feelings. As you know, I’ve been reevaluating my understanding of my life’s purpose lately. That process started because every time I sat down to do creative writing, I felt frustrated, disappointed in myself, and confused. I desperately loved the idea of being a novelist, though, and that made me feel good. My emotions were giving me mixed signals. Another example is that I set a goal for myself to work up to doing 25 on-the-toes pushups. I feel really resentful and resistant to working toward that goal. Maybe my feelings are trying to tell me something.
2. Use your intellect. Bring some logic into the process. Looking at my purpose, I was able to objectively observe that I was much more committed to my website and it’s “You can do it” message than I was to my creative writing. I write about personal development at least 5 days a week, but when it comes to my creative projects, I suddenly “don’t have time”. Logic tells me that I don’t really want to focus on fiction. With respect to my pushup goal, I’ve always been uncomfortable with strength training. As a tall, lanky person, it’s harder for me to feel and see results so I quickly get frustrated. But my intellect tells me that strength training (including pushups) is important and is beneficial to my overall health and fitness.
3. Consult your intuition. My gut has been telling me for a while that I was off-base with the creative writing focus. I just didn’t want to listen. Like anyone else, I don’t like being wrong. I also prefer having things settled and decided and concrete rather than up in the air, so I soldiered on knowing that I was probably wrong. My intuition loves my new message, and I get a strong feeling of “rightness” when I’m working with it. Regarding pushups, my intuition tells me that achieving this goal–even though it might be frustrating and take longer than I wanted–will be empowering and motivating. My gut is telling me to fight through the resistance and persevere.

So I decided to “throw away” the old purpose that didn’t really fit and keep the pushup goal. My emotions, intellect, and intuition gave me all the information I needed in order to make an informed decision, whereas–if I had listened to my emotions alone (which many of us do)–I would have either made the wrong decision or continued on in a state of confusion and disharmony.

This process can be especially helpful in dealing with people and attitudes that need to be released from your life. There’s a person on the fringes of my life–not a close friend, but someone I occasionally see–who’s caused a lot of drama and toxicity over the past six months. In that case, my intuition has known for a long time that I need to end that relationship, but my feelings (guilt, empathy, desire not to hurt someone’s feelings) have been standing in the way. Using this process made it much more clear to me that this person is a source of negativity and is having a detrimental effect on my other friendships. I’ve also used the three-step process with success in countering irrational beliefs (”If I’m perfect, everyone will love me”).

What stuff do you have but not need?