This is the perfect personal development challenge for me to initiate today. I’m heading to my parents’ house this afternoon for the long weekend. My parents have a house with a big yard and a pool, so they always have a cookout for my entire extended family. (My dad is one of seven and everyone has at least two kids, so it’s A LOT of people!) I love my family and I’m very close to them, but… well, you know how it is. Ginormous family gatherings are often fraught with emotion and history and can get pretty stressful.

But back to my point…

I’m going to take the positivity challenge! Would you like to play along?

Here’s what it entails… For one full week, we will try to focus on the positive. When we encounter an obstacle or difficulty, we’ll try to see the silver lining. (Note: This is different from pretending that everything is wonderful when it is clearly not. It’s the difference between “I have a cold–it’s so unfair that I feel like crap” and “I have a cold, but hey–I get to stay home from work and watch Dr. Phil!”)

We’ll focus on what we can learn or gain from a potentially negative situation rather than the inconvenience or discomfort it may cause. The idea is that, by the end of the week, we will begin to experience the amazing benefits of positive thinking and will be on our way to building a permanent positivity habit!

The creator of the positivity challenge has three recommendations to get us through the week: 

1. Cut the negative threads quickly. Only allow yourself to go on a negative thread of thought for a set time-period, perhaps 30 seconds or a minute. Then just cut it off, drop it and think about what positive things you can get out of this situation. Don´t feed the negative thoughts with more energy or you might trap your mind in a downward spiral for quite a while. If you start going down a negative thread of thought it is important to cut it fast.
2. Realize that it is possible to choose what you think about and how you react. You don´t have live your life in reaction. Being reactive to everything is not very empowering. You have a choice. But it might take some time to make this click in your mind…
3. Focus on the gap between stimuli and reaction. The more you think about this and try to use it by consciously choosing, over time (for me, it was months, but it can surely be achieved quicker) the gap will appear larger and larger and that will make the process easier.

Here’s wishing all of you a happy (and POSITIVE) holiday weekend!

I like the idea of reserving Fridays for looking back over the week and reflecting on my successes, obstacles, and insights–I might turn that into a regular feature. (Let me know what you think in the comments.)

Personal Development Projects

• 101 Things list: I just completed my 25th item, which means that I’ve checked off almost 1/4 of the items on my list. Hooray!
• This one’s for you, MizFit… I joined a gym and got a personal trainer. He was EXCELLENT! I actually–and I can’t believe I’m about to write this–enjoyed weight training! I was so blown away that I bought ten sessions with him. (Well, actually my husband bought them for me as a belated birthday present.) I have my second session today at noon.
• Last Saturday was the final day of my No Alcohol 21-Day Makeover. I’ve had one beer since then, and I didn’t really enjoy it. Could this be a permanent change?
• My No Shopping Month has gone pretty well. I did wind up spending un-planned money on food ($50) and books ($32), but over all, I’m pleased with my performance. Eleven days to go…
• My 21-Day Makeovers for waking up early and meditating every day have been OK. Out of 19 days, I’ve met the waking up goal 14 times and the meditating goal 13 times. Not too bad! I got some great suggestions to help with meditation–
  • Crabby McSlacker, Cynthia, and Leslie recommended that I try a guided meditation.
  • Leah suggested trying a “mindless” but meditative activity like gardening or needlepoint.

Lessons of the Week

• Having a plan ahead of time makes all the difference for me in dealing with my triggers.
  • Action item! I need to work on an emergency response plan for when I’m unexpectedly confronted with something that triggers me. (There was a cookie incident on Tuesday.) Any ideas?
• Sometimes it’s best to keep our dreams and aspirations to ourselves–at least at first.

Question of the Week

• I’m still struggling with the question of self-acceptance versus self-improvement. I got some great advice and insight from your comments. 
  • Anna said: “Being self-aware and really looking at my MOTIVES is what I have found to be helpful. If I am doing something because I feel like I have to or it’s something everyone else is doing, then me not wanting to do it is probably an indicator that I shouldn’t be doing it!”
  • VeryBadCat suggested using a cost-benefit analysis to determine whether or not the proposed improvement is in my best interest.
  • Aleta noted that, when pressure to improve comes from external sources or when we feel stressed about self-improvement, it can actually have the opposite of the desired effect.
  • Kelli observed that it’s important to look at the effects of the behavior–if it has a negative impact on your life, change it!

 What are you proud of this week? What lessons did you learn? Do you have any ideas for an “emergency response” plan for confronting unexpected triggers?

First, an update on my various personal development experiments, which–considering the number of them I (wisely or not) have going on–are going surprising well…

• I’m on my 15th day with no alcohol at all, and I absolutely do not miss it. After this makeover is complete, I may have the occasional glass of wine, but I highly doubt that I’ll ever be a habitual social drinker again. I just feel too good without it!
• Yesterday was the last day of my week without complaints. I learned that I don’t complain that often, and when I do, it’s typically about something in my physical environment (e.g., the bloody heat!!!) rather than about another person. Good to know…
• I’ve been fairly consistent in getting up at 5:00am over the past week (I allow myself a window until 5:30, which I’ve used three times). I did sleep in until 8:00am yesterday and I didn’t meditate–I was exhausted!–so I’m adding a day onto the end of the makeover. I think I need to learn how to meditate properly though. I just don’t feel like I’m doing it right.
• I’ve been doing pretty well with not shopping. I wound up being treated for my birthday at my planned eating out events last Sunday and Tuesday, so I spent much less than I had anticipated. Most of my other spending was in the “allowable” category I set out before beginning this challenge (gas, fruit, personal hygiene items), but I did have one unplanned eating out event. A friend was having a really horrible week at work and asked me to pick up a bottle of wine and come over. I did (but didn’t drink any of it!) and we wound up grabbing dinner at Chipotle. I also had an unplanned food-related expenditure on Friday evening, which brings me to my confession…

I had a disordered eating episode on Friday. I won’t go into details because I know that many people who struggle with disordered eating find graphic descriptions to be triggering. I’m not quite sure what caused it. I wasn’t having a particularly stressful day–if anything, it was the opposite. Work was SLOW. I did make a silly mistake on a document, and my boss teased me about it. I’m an obsessive perfectionist, so things like that really bother me–that was possibly a factor.

I wish I could say that I “couldn’t help it”, but the truth is that I knew exactly what I was doing and could have chosen to stop at any time. I just didn’t want to. Sad but true. After it was over, my old friends Guilt and Shame came over for a visit and spent the rest of the day with me. I was afraid that the episode would trigger a huge backslide, but it didn’t. That says something about how far I’ve come over the past 13 years. For anyone else out there who struggles with this issue, remember–one slip does not undo all of your hard work!!

I feel great today! I got my 5-mile run in, and I’m babysitting my niece tonight. Life is good, and I have a lot to be thankful for.

Thanks for “listening”!

I’m in the middle of a number of personal development experiments. I’m on my 13th day of my no alcohol 21-Day Makeover. I’m on my 6th day of both a week of no complaining and a month of no shopping. I’m on my 5th day of two 21-Day Makeovers that have me getting up every day at 5:00am and meditating.(I always do this–I get really excited about projects and start a million of them! Sometimes it works, sometimes it backfires. We’ll see…) As you might imagine, all these experiments require a great amount of willpower on my part.

I’ve been doing a great job with all of them, too. I’ve had zero alcohol. I’ve learned to catch myself mid-complaint. I’ve only shopped for permissible items. I’ve gotten up insanely early every day and meditated for at least 10 minutes. I’m pretty impressed with myself. But I’ve noticed that as I’ve been doing so well with my experiments, I’ve lost control in another area–my diet. I’ve been choosing healthy food for the most part, but my portion control has been pretty much nonexistent.

What??? Why??? It just doesn’t seem fair!

It turns out that science can actually explain this phenomenon. According to this article, “The brain has a limited capacity for self-regulation, so exerting willpower in one area often leads to backsliding in others.” Aha! That certainly explains it. Listen to the scientists…

The brain’s store of willpower is depleted when people control their thoughts, feelings or impulses, or when they modify their behavior in pursuit of goals. Psychologist Roy Baumeister and others have found that people who successfully accomplish one task requiring self-control are less persistent on a second, seemingly unrelated task… What limits willpower? Some have suggested that it is blood sugar, which brain cells use as their main energy source and cannot do without for even a few minutes. Most cognitive functions are unaffected by minor blood sugar fluctuations over the course of a day, but planning and self-control are sensitive to such small changes. Exerting self-control lowers blood sugar, which reduces the capacity for further self-control.

Bummer! So what’s a self-improvement-minded girl to do? Eat a steady diet of chocolate to keep the old blood sugar up?

The scientists have some suggestions. In the short term, they recommend that if you know you’re going to have to use willpower (e.g., you’re going to a party and don’t want to overindulge in food and alcohol), you shouldn’t use up your limited stores of self-control before the main event (e.g., don’t force yourself to spend hours cleaning the house or studying right before the party).

In the longer term, the experts tell us that we can actually increase the strength of our willpower. We need to send ourselves to Willpower Boot Camp! By engaging in personal improvement challenges (like our 21-Day Makeovers!!), we can improve our self-control in all aspects of our lives. So if I stick with it, my no-alcohol challenge will eventually make me stronger when it comes to portion control.

We can also engage in exercise expressly for the purpose of building willpower. “In psychological studies, even something as simple as using your nondominant hand to brush your teeth for two weeks can increase willpower capacity.” Sounds simple enough! Some other self-control builders might be:

• Forcing yourself not to look at the clock for the duration of two entire songs while you’re exercising.
• Reading an entire newspaper article every day on a topic you’re not particularly interested in.
• Standing on one leg for a certain period of time (seriously!).
• Creating and implementing a budget.

What will you do to build your willpower biceps?

… and how you say it.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, reading, and introspecting since writing Friday’s post. I’m stuck with this feeling that the answer to this riddle is right on the tip of my tongue, and if I just keep mulling it over, it will come to me. The sensation is both frustrating and exhilarating–frustrating because I want an answer and I want it NOW, exhilarating because I feel kind of like a mental/spiritual Indiana Jones hunting for a mythical artifact. Semi-Charmed Wife and the Hunt for Life’s Purpose… It’s got a nice ring to it, don’t you think?

In the midst of all this research and soul-searching, I found an insightful and apropos article by Erin Pavlina called “The Medium and the Message“. (Erin is a practicing psychic. Regardless of whether you believe in psychic abilities, I recommend the article for its unique perspective.) The article refers to your true purpose as your message. Your message is why you’re here and what you must express or communicate in this life. If I were to sum up my message into a catchy slogan, it would be something like “You can do it!”, meaning that no matter what it is that you want out of life, no matter what you want to be or do, you CAN make it happen regardless of who you are or where you start. It’s a message of empowerment and enlightenment targeted primarily at women.

Your medium is the way you deliver your message. Using mine as an example, I could be a full-time mother who raises empowered, fully conscious children. I could be a therapist. I could be a counselor to battered women. I could be a motivational speaker. I could be a life coach. I could be teach at a community college. I could be an author and write novels that inspire people to believe in themselves, or I could write nonfiction books about personal development. The possibilities for delivering my message are endless.

That’s the rub for me–endless possibilities. I could deliver my message in a million ways–how do I know which one is the right fit for me? As you know from following my various 21-Day Makeovers, I love doing personal development “experiments” on myself, so I’m going to resort to my tried-and-true tactic of trial and error. I’ll just have to come up with different ideas and try them out. Eventually, one of them will click and I’ll know I’ve found the right medium for me. For instance, I’ve tried writing fiction, and although I enjoy it, it didn’t resonate as a way to live my purpose. On to the next idea…

I’m working on a different plan now. It’s still in the early stages of conception, but I’ll certainly share it with you when it’s fully formed.

What’s harder for you–figuring out your medium or your message?