Jul 14 2008
Ducks in a Row
 I’ve officially reached “that age”. Pretty much every conversation I have with my girlfriends these days devolves into talk of babies–whether we want them, when to have them, how many to have, how to raise them, etc.. Ah, the joys of aging. Having kids isn’t an “if” for me–my husband and I know that we want children… someday. We’re just not sure when that someday will be. We want to be sure to have all of our ducks in a row before we take such a huge step in our lives. That’s the smart way to do things, right?
We’re both 30, so we’ve had more than a decade of adult freedom to do what we want, when we want, and how we want. That makes the prospect of bringing into the world a tiny person who will require and demand all of our time, attention, and resources absolutely terrifying. This is in stark contrast to most of my cousins, who had children in their teens. They were parents before they were finished being children. They never got to go to college–or in some cases, prom. They raised kids while working multiple jobs, often doing backbreaking manual labor. They scraped by as best they could. It was HARD, but they did it because they had no choice.
On the other hand, you have my husband and me, who are very financially secure, have substantial savings, have a solid marriage, and are totally convinced that we’re “not ready”. Worse, we don’t know when we’ll BE ready. We finally decided that we’ll probably start a family whenever our friends in the area start having kids. We figured that it’s just as good a time as any, because feeling “ready” will probably never come.
The great baby debate got me thinking about other things I put off because I’m “not ready”–like writing a book, for example. I’ve always wanted to be an author (still kind of up in the air as to whether that would be creative writing or some kind of nonfiction). I daydream about it, talk about it, think about it–hell, I even WRITE about wanting to be a writer. But I always come back to the same internal refrain: “The time’s not right. I need to wait until we have kids/I have more time/we buy a house/we pay off my student loans/move out of the area/I become a teacher and have summers off to write/we win the lottery/aliens land. I just need to get my ducks in a row before I can get started.”
Well, screw the damn ducks!
I’m slowly coming to the conclusion that the time is never going to be “right” for me to make a serious effort at living my dream. I will never feel “ready”. Those voices telling me to wait until I have my ducks in a row aren’t “smart” voices–they’re the voices of fear, insecurity, apathy, indecision, and self-doubt.Â
A recent article by Slade Roberson described this self-defeating chain of thought: “I’m stuck at A and want to get to Z. As soon as I know what Steps C through Y are — as soon as I make sure Steps C through Y are there for me — I’ll happily proceed to Step B. That’s the responsible, logical, safe way to proceed.” Slade believes that Step C and Step D don’t even exist until you pick up your foot and take Step B. I tend to agree.
My awesome personal cheerleader, Kelli, recently sent me the Writer’s Market, a compilation of resources and opportunities for paid writing. (Thanks Kelli!!) So here’s what I’m going to do (and I need you all to hold me accountable for this because I’m as slippery as an eel when it comes to talking myself out of things)–I’m going to pick a writing project from that book, post about it, and set a deadline for completing and submitting it. If I don’t complete the project, I will send $20 to each and every one of you who calls me on it. It may seem silly, but I need to know that there’s a negative consequence to not following through on this.
What have you been waiting to start until your ducks are in a row? What step can you take to get started RIGHT NOW? What can you do to hold yourself accountable?
Yeah, we’re smack in the middle of that baby-stage: we can’t afford it yet, will be able to afford it soon, want to, don’t want to, want to, scared to death of a little person, scared to death of not being selfish, scared to death of starting to hate each other. Finish school? Wait? Fair to kid to have a kid when Mama works full time and goes to school almost full time? Offset schedules? Day care? Wait until WH can stay home? AHHHHHHHRRRRRHHHHH!
I’m not really waiting on anything. I’m doing what I can to get to where I want to be. It. goes. so. slow. though.
I Love the New Look! It’s vibrant, great personality, fun and would make a new-comer want to browse around!
Ok, now, to the post… Well, we aren’t married yet and that’s step A, but when to have children or if we can have children, that Step B is ‘in the talk’ but I think after we’re married… it will be a lot of talking before we’re ready. Society isn’t supportive of families these days, which could be the reason more and more couples don’t feel “ready.”
Other things I’m putting off ~ losing weight, doing the things I know will get me there and not motivating myself to just “do it.”
Jen,
Thank you for referencing my post — I’m truly honored. Love your blog concept here!
You’ve made my day,
Slade
Jen,
I have put off so many things…I always said, once school was finished, once my lease was up, once I saved some money…bla bla bla.
Honestly the one thing I can think of, was my biggest childhood dream, and that was to move to CA and become an actress! Ha! Although I did nothing to prepare for that, I just kept that fleeting dream and kept putting it off. Now that I am older (and presumably wiser) I don’t see being an actress as my life’s course.
Getting married and buying a house are definitely on the list. I keep thinking I’m too selfish, too insecure, too wishy washy about my career…But honestly sometimes you just need to jump in the water! Just as your cousins did, when you are in the middle of it, you JUST DO IT. Sometimes we just need to JUMP!
How I hold myself accountable: I tell someone else what I’m doing and now that I’m older (and again, presumably wiser) I hold MYSELF accountable. I will know if I skip out on what I’m trying to do, and that to me is the worst feeling.
Have a good day!
Anna
You’re a much braver woman that I. As for children, mine were a complete suprise (both times) and I’m glad they were. I don’t think I would be ready today if they hadn’t already come. I waited a LONG time to buy a house and I am sure I would still be waiting to get married if the hub hadn’t convinced me to ‘just do it.’ In my mind, I wanted every thing to fit into a time table and I’ve learned that nothing is going to fall perfectly into place.
This is life, it’s a little bumpy and alot interesting - I can prepare for what I think lies ahead and try to be ready for what life throws at me as well as prepare a plan of action - I just need to be ‘flexible’ enough to grab the opportunities around me when they arise.
Good luck with your writing - how exciting!
~K
**screw the damn ducks**
I LOVE IT!!
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Does anyone else have any experience with this?