Jul 07 2008
Believe It or Not
Every year, my family (dad’s side) has a huge July 4th cookout at my parents’ house. The whole family attends, and with seven siblings (who produced 15 grandchildren and 26 great-grandchildren), it’s quite a sizable crowd. There is always great food, fireworks, gallons of beer, a gang of screaming kids, and a lot of laughter. I love these gatherings, but they have a tendency to press my mental rewind button and transport me back in time to the attitudes and beliefs of my childhood–for better or for worse.
Most of our deep-seated, unconscious beliefs about the way the world works are internalized early in childhood. Unfortunately, these beliefs often reflect the fears and anxieties of our parents. (This is the thing that terrifies me the most about having and raising children–that I will pass along my issues like some kind of hereditary disorder.) For example, a single mother whose husband left her during pregnancy may unintentionally pass along to her daughter the belief that men are unreliable and cannot be trusted. As you might imagine, this belief could cause the daughter to have serious difficulties in relationships when she is older. The worst part is that she may not even know why–the belief may be buried so deeply that she isn’t even aware of it.
Identifying these beliefs requires a great deal of introspection and self-awareness. (Therapy is really helpful here.) It can be incredibly difficult to recognize one of these beliefs at work in your life, and even harder to admit it to yourself and others–we tend to be deeply defensive about issues governed by childhood beliefs and attitudes. A good way to start is to search for patterns in your life in the areas of Romantic Relationships, Friendships, Money, Career, and Addiction (which could include overspending, eating disorders, gambling, drinking, using drugs, compulsive sexual activity, or any other behavior you have a difficult time controlling).
Here are a few limiting beliefs I’ve identified:
- If I’m perfect, everyone will love me and my life will be peaceful and happy. If I’m not perfect, I’m a bad person who lets everyone down and no one will love me.
- Food is a treat for when I’ve been good. It can also make me feel better when I’m sad or angry.
- I can’t handle my life without something to take the edge off.
- There will never be enough money, and you have to work really, really hard for the little you have.
- Marriage is a sacrifice you make for your children. It’s supposed to be hard.
- Gaining weight means my life is out of control. Losing weight means that I’m strong-willed and in control.
When we mature into adulthood, we may be able to logically understand that these beliefs are not correct, but it takes a lot of work to change them. One method I’ve used with some success (and written about before) is affirmations. The way it works is that you write a positive affirmation to counteract each limiting belief you identify. In situations where that belief usually operates, you repeat the affirmation (out loud, if you can).
My counteracting affirmations for the beliefs above would be:
- The people in my life love and appreciate me for who I am.
- (a) Food is for the nourishment of my body. (b) I confront and acknowledge my emotions, and I express them in healthy ways.
- I am strong and capable, just as I am.
- (a) There will always be enough money. (b) Money comes to me easily and effortlessly.
- Marriage is a joy and a blessing.
- I am so much more than my body.
What beliefs from your childhood still work in your life in negative ways?
I don’t necessarily think it’s a belief because I “know” better but my actions prove that when my mom is happy, I am less anxious. I can look back since childhood and realize I have taken on the role of making her happy. If she doesn’t like an idea of mine, I will put it aside; if she thinks I should be doing something different than what I am doing, I will convince myself to change my ways. I’ve known this about myself for a couple of years now and I get angry with myself each time I “live for her” but this doesn’t stop me from doing it. I get that tight feeling in my gut when I know she won’t approve of something, just like I felt at 8 and knew I was going to get in trouble. I hate this about myself but have no idea how to change it.
I think anything involving my weight because that’s what my parents terrorized for when I was younger.
Also, that I’m not that smart (I know different now but I still have those moments) because I was never praised for my intelligence. Instead, if I made mistakes I’d get drilled for that.
Another one is how my grandmother told me I was the reason my parents were miserable together because I was born and my dad felt OBLIGATED to stay.
And then of course, my other aunt told me that I would never be nothing but some mans whore to use and leave because I wasn’t worth anything.
Yes, I agree therapy is a godsend! It’s helped me get through alot of the hurt that I feel.
Thanks for being so honest here, Jen. The beliefs you’ve written about are very real, and raw.
1. If I am not pleasing people around me, they will not like me.
2. Buying things will make me a happier person.
3. It matters what kind of car I drive.
I’m sure there are many more where this came from, but even looking at these 3 beliefs, I’m noticing a pattern of wanting approval from other people to justify my existence and worth.
WOW! What a realization!!!
I plan on taking your advice about the affirmations:
1. If I please myself I will be happier in the long run and therefore those that I love will be happier, too.
2. Having what I NEED is way more important than always having what I WANT.
3. At least I have a car to drive, no matter what it is!
This is so powerful and when I have more time I want to figure out additional beliefs that negatively rule my life.
THANKS JEN!
Anna
Great list!
It’s funny, I particularly identify with the first one, but I don’t recall either of my parents pushing the perfectionst thing. I do think I’m naturally wired to be anxious, which makes perfectionism a sort of natural defense–if I do every thing “right,” then maybe nothing bad will happen. But if I ever screw up… It really takes a lot of work to challenge unconscious beliefs!
You describe my big fear exactly! That I will pass on negative things to my son. I think some of my beliefs from childhood include:
1) Eating food is a bad thing and a sign of greed.
2) If people around me are not happy then it is my job to make them happy
3) Confrontation is a bad and scary thing to be avoided at all costs
So to counter them
1) Food is good! I am not a greedy person because I want to eat - it’s natural!
2) I am not responsible for the feelings of other people - only they can help themselves. I can’t fix people.
3) It’s ok to disagree with people sometimes- it doesn’t mean they will leave you, get violent or hate you.
Thanks for that post - really interesting!
Ah yes, childhood fears that crowd into our adult lifes…I might have too many to mention here, but I am working to identify them and correct them.
My biggest ones are money (not having enough) and love (not being good enough). It is definitely a work in progress.
~K