I just wanted to thank you all for your comments and encouragement yesterday–I really needed it! The rest of the day went perfectly. I ate well. I exercised. I didn’t give in to shame and self-loathing, which is a real victory in and of itself (as anyone who’s ever had a relapse with any kind of addictive/compulsive behavior can tell you). As much as I didn’t want to write about what happened (and I reeeeeally didn’t), I think it made all the difference in helping me move past it. Putting it into writing made it less threatening and more confrontable somehow, and my hope is that it will be helpful to others who deal with disordered eating.

After some reflection (and after some great advice & insight from you), I think my mini-backslide was caused primarily by two things. The first is alcohol. As many of you pointed out, it lowers inhibitions, diminishes judgment, and screws up blood sugar. It put me in a chemical state that was more conducive to both disordered eating AND disordered thinking. I’m done with that, thankyouverymuch. No more booze for me.

The second factor was one that I didn’t recognize until Kelli and VeryBadCat pointed it out to me. I’ve been working on releasing my “Fighter” label, which entails undoing about 30 years of internal conditioning. As perverse as it sounds, I get anxious when things are too easy. Could it be that I created a little battle for myself to fight and win? Maybe that’s why I didn’t learn from Friday night and repeated the same behavior on Saturday?

Anyway, thanks to all of you for your comments and emails. I’m feeling so much better! Usually, I’d say that I’m ready to get back in the fight, but in the spirit of change, I’ll say that I’m at peace with who and where I am and I’m ready to accept what today has to offer me.

I’m going to go out on a limb today and ask some questions that make many people (myself included) a little bit uncomfortable. The subject I want to tackle is religion and/or spirituality. (I use both terms because I know both people who consider themselves “spiritual but not religious” and people who consider themselves members of a major religion, and I’d like to hear from as broad a group as possible.)

Lately I’ve been feeling like I need to pay more attention to my spiritual life. I devote a lot of time and effort to improving myself mentally, emotionally, and physically. I read voraciously about personal development. I’ve always got a personal improvement project or two (or five) in the works. I’m continually striving to grow and learn and change. But–even though I believe that there is an eternal, spiritual part of me–I do next to nothing for my spiritual self. This was especially evident to me as I struggled through 21 days of meditation.

As I’ve been thinking about this topic, I’ve realized that this is the one subject that is totally off-limits for me and most of my friends. I can talk to the girls about my sex life and my work drama, but not about my thoughts on the existence of the soul. I can initiate debates about abortion and gun control, but I can’t bring myself to ask about belief in God. Maybe it’s just me, but it’s something that feels intensely personal and that I’m very reluctant to share.

So I’m sharing it with the whole Interweb. ‘Cause that makes sense.

Here are the questions with my answers. I’m using the term “God” to mean the Higher Power that you believe in (if you believe in one), whatever you may call that Power. I’m truly interested to see how you feel and what you believe, and you–my regular readers–are the most open-minded, thoughtful people I know! If you feel comfortable enough, please do let me know your answers in the comments (you can even comment under a fake name)…

Do you believe in God?
Yes, but not in the “bearded old man in a white robe taking notes on my sins and transgressions” sort of way. More in the “there’s something bigger than me out there, and it’s a good, benevolent, loving Something” sort of way.

Do you believe that you have an eternal soul?
Yes, I definitely do. I’m reading Sacred Contracts right now (detailed review to come), and the author proposes the idea that each soul enters this world with a specific mission or “contract”–lessons that it must learn, experiences that it must have. That really resonates with me.

Are you a member of a church/religion? If so, what do you believe about your church/religion?
I suppose so. I converted to the Catholic Church in my early 20s, and I still consider myself Catholic-ish. As for what I believe about Catholicism, the best way I can put it is to quote a Hindu priest I met in India. I asked him what he thought of Christianity as a path to the Divine. He said, “It doesn’t matter what color the cow is–the milk is all the same.” That pretty much sums up how I feel about religion–that there are an infinite number of ways to get at the Truth, and they’re all valid ways.

Do you regularly attend religious/spiritual services?
No. I go to Mass sporadically, and I always feel so uplifted when I do, but I haven’t made the effort to make it a regular part of my life.

Do you pray?
Yes, but it’s a “God, please let me not get a speeding ticket” kind of thing, which I’m not sure counts as actual “prayer”. Do I set aside time in which I consciously commune with or talk to God? Sadly, no.

What other religious/spiritual practices do you have? Is there a particularly rewarding practice that you’d like to share?
Yeah, I’ve got nothin’ here…

What religious/spiritual practices would you like to add to your life?
I want to develop a regular meditation practice. I believe that would improve my life in many, many ways. So far, I’ve experienced a great deal of internal resistance with this, which baffles me, but I’m still working on it. (I’m looking for a good beginner guided meditation CD if anyone has recommendations.) I’d also like to pray more in the sense of communing with God and just… feeling the presence of the Eternal. I found my gratitude exercise very rewarding, and I think that would be a great addition to any spiritual practice. And I’d love to get into the habit of giving thanks at meals.

I hope to hear from some of you about your beliefs and practices. I hope I didn’t make anyone hideously uncomfortable or offend anyone (if I did, please know that it was not intentional!). I think we could all benefit from a more open dialogue about this very important but often neglected part of our lives…

I wasn’t sure how (or even if) I was going to address this, but I’m really making an effort to be honest and open about my struggle with disordered eating, so here we go.

This weekend was a complete disaster for me, and I don’t really know why. I mean, my job stress has dramatically decreased. I don’t have any ongoing conflicts with friends or family members. My marriage is fantastic, and we’re in great shape financially. I’m sticking to my marathon training schedule and going to personal training sessions. Everything is going really well on the surface.

And I thought that things were going well beneath the surface too. I don’t feel particularly sad, angry, frustrated, restless, lonely, guilty, or any other negative emotion. I feel a vague sense of ennui about my career, but I’m excited about taking the PRAXIS in July and feeling positive overall about my future. If something’s bothering me, I’m not consciously aware of it.

I had bad–BAD–disordered eating episodes on Friday night and Saturday night. I’ll spare you the grim details. The only thing I can think of is that I had alcohol on both nights–two beers at dinner on Friday with my husband, several cocktails on Saturday night (out with the girls). Maybe after going so long without alcohol, the drinks had a more pronounced effect on my mood and/or blood sugar? That’s the only theory I’ve come up with…

(Note: Just to be on the safe side, no more alcohol for me for the foreseeable future. It’s just not worth it.)

Today, I feel… well, you know how it is. I feel anxious. I feel kind of like a failure (yes, intellectually, I know that two nights don’t undo the years of work I’ve put into getting over this, but still). I’m disappointed in myself–especially in the fact that I didn’t seem to learn from Friday night’s experience, and that I didn’t reach out to anyone for help or a friendly ear. I feel guilty and ashamed. It ain’t pretty over here at SCW headquarters.

But I’ll pull myself out of it. I got up and did my scheduled run this morning. I’ve eaten very healthy foods so far and will continue to do so. I’m writing about it, which always makes me feel better. I’m slowly but surely turning this frown upside down.

Ahhhhhhh. I do feel better having gotten that off my chest. Thanks for ‘listening’! So… any theories about why this might have happened? Do you think I’m on target with the alcohol hypothesis, or do you think something else might be going on?

Kelli tagged me for this meme, 15 Years in a Nutshell. Enjoy!

Think back on the last 15 years of your life. What would you tell someone that you hadn’t seen or talked to for 15 years? Write a list of 10 things to summarize your life. At the end of your list, tag 5 more people and send on the love.

1. I partied waaaaay too much as a teenager. I got caught with alcohol several times during my freshman year and got kicked out of school and sent to rehab. I met a 29-year old drug addict (I was 17) in group therapy. Of course, I married him. As you might imagine, it didn’t work out. Divorced by age 20…
2. I joined the Navy as a nuclear propulsion mechanic (yet I still can’t change my own oil).
3. I spent two years abroad–one studying Comparative Religion and Culture throughout Asia and one studying political science in China–for my undergrad degree (double major in Peace & Conflict Resolution and Mandarin Chinese). 
4. I got a Master’s degree in International Affairs. I worked full-time for the government and took full-time evening classes. It was horrible. I barely remember those two years of my life.
5. I dated a very sweet Catholic boy for almost a year. We broke up because he decided that he wanted to be a priest. Seriously.  
6. My niece, Jennifer (Jenna) Joy–yes, she’s named after me and yes, I cried–was born on March 22, 2007.  She is the smartest, most beautiful, most advanced, most wonderful, and possibly screamiest baby ever.
7. I found out I had the BRCA2 gene mutation. With my family history (every female relative on my mother’s side either has, has had, or died of breast cancer) my doctors decided to do a double masectomy.
8. I had a hideous allergic reaction to painkillers after the first surgery and had to do the second one with nothing but TYLENOL. That sucked. But I did get a pretty nice C cup out of the whole thing… 
9. I married my sweetheart, the love of my life, on December 1, 2007.
10. I started my website in January 2008, and it’s been one of the best things I’ve ever done. It’s started me on a journey to find my purpose in this world, and it has connected me with a wonderful network of women that inspire and motivate me every day!

If you participate in the meme, leave a comment so we can swing by and check out your answers!

In other news, it was a hectic weekend and I’m a bit frazzled. I’ll be back to regular posting tomorrow…

I like the idea of reserving Fridays for looking back over the week and reflecting on my successes, obstacles, and insights–I might turn that into a regular feature. (Let me know what you think in the comments.)

Personal Development Projects

• 101 Things list: I just completed my 25th item, which means that I’ve checked off almost 1/4 of the items on my list. Hooray!
• This one’s for you, MizFit… I joined a gym and got a personal trainer. He was EXCELLENT! I actually–and I can’t believe I’m about to write this–enjoyed weight training! I was so blown away that I bought ten sessions with him. (Well, actually my husband bought them for me as a belated birthday present.) I have my second session today at noon.
• Last Saturday was the final day of my No Alcohol 21-Day Makeover. I’ve had one beer since then, and I didn’t really enjoy it. Could this be a permanent change?
• My No Shopping Month has gone pretty well. I did wind up spending un-planned money on food ($50) and books ($32), but over all, I’m pleased with my performance. Eleven days to go…
• My 21-Day Makeovers for waking up early and meditating every day have been OK. Out of 19 days, I’ve met the waking up goal 14 times and the meditating goal 13 times. Not too bad! I got some great suggestions to help with meditation–
  • Crabby McSlacker, Cynthia, and Leslie recommended that I try a guided meditation.
  • Leah suggested trying a “mindless” but meditative activity like gardening or needlepoint.

Lessons of the Week

• Having a plan ahead of time makes all the difference for me in dealing with my triggers.
  • Action item! I need to work on an emergency response plan for when I’m unexpectedly confronted with something that triggers me. (There was a cookie incident on Tuesday.) Any ideas?
• Sometimes it’s best to keep our dreams and aspirations to ourselves–at least at first.

Question of the Week

• I’m still struggling with the question of self-acceptance versus self-improvement. I got some great advice and insight from your comments. 
  • Anna said: “Being self-aware and really looking at my MOTIVES is what I have found to be helpful. If I am doing something because I feel like I have to or it’s something everyone else is doing, then me not wanting to do it is probably an indicator that I shouldn’t be doing it!”
  • VeryBadCat suggested using a cost-benefit analysis to determine whether or not the proposed improvement is in my best interest.
  • Aleta noted that, when pressure to improve comes from external sources or when we feel stressed about self-improvement, it can actually have the opposite of the desired effect.
  • Kelli observed that it’s important to look at the effects of the behavior–if it has a negative impact on your life, change it!

 What are you proud of this week? What lessons did you learn? Do you have any ideas for an “emergency response” plan for confronting unexpected triggers?