Jun 24 2008
Thank you!
I just wanted to thank you all for your comments and encouragement yesterday–I really needed it! The rest of the day went perfectly. I ate well. I exercised. I didn’t give in to shame and self-loathing, which is a real victory in and of itself (as anyone who’s ever had a relapse with any kind of addictive/compulsive behavior can tell you). As much as I didn’t want to write about what happened (and I reeeeeally didn’t), I think it made all the difference in helping me move past it. Putting it into writing made it less threatening and more confrontable somehow, and my hope is that it will be helpful to others who deal with disordered eating.
After some reflection (and after some great advice & insight from you), I think my mini-backslide was caused primarily by two things. The first is alcohol. As many of you pointed out, it lowers inhibitions, diminishes judgment, and screws up blood sugar. It put me in a chemical state that was more conducive to both disordered eating AND disordered thinking. I’m done with that, thankyouverymuch. No more booze for me.
The second factor was one that I didn’t recognize until Kelli and VeryBadCat pointed it out to me. I’ve been working on releasing my “Fighter” label, which entails undoing about 30 years of internal conditioning. As perverse as it sounds, I get anxious when things are too easy. Could it be that I created a little battle for myself to fight and win? Maybe that’s why I didn’t learn from Friday night and repeated the same behavior on Saturday?
Anyway, thanks to all of you for your comments and emails. I’m feeling so much better! Usually, I’d say that I’m ready to get back in the fight, but in the spirit of change, I’ll say that I’m at peace with who and where I am and I’m ready to accept what today has to offer me.
Hey how are you? I’ve been thinking about you, wondering how you were doing. So glad you got the support you needed yesterday.
Give a call sometime, catch me up to date, yes? I’m out of Healing Arts, now working at the Quiet Waters Center at 13th and Constitution, 202 547 2635.
Glad you’re still blogging and taking good care. Bravo!!
So glad you are feeling better. I think part of the battle is being able to break that cycle of shame as I find that just leads to more destructive behaviours. You are a very strong person and reading about how you are managing to beat your food issues has been really helpful to me so thank you for that!
I’m so glad that you are okay with just being and accepting what today has to bring.
It’s hard when you are a Type A, you want to jump into the fray but maybe your body is telling you that you need to slow it down and be kind to yourself…right now.
I’m so proud of you for all that shared. You are insanely brave.
Glad you’re feeling better! Your comment made my day.
I think cynthia said it best…”you are insanely brave.” You put yourself out there and share with us your ups and downs. You are an incredible person - thank you for sharing your strength and courage with us.
~K
As I’ve mentioned before, I’m the same way with the alcohol and the lowering of the inhibitions. And seriously, I have a post about disordered eating that’s currently in-process, with all these random things written down, but it’s not finalized.
I think when I finally post it, it’s going to be like a few other posts I’ve done in the past — ones that were extremely hard to write, and took me longer than they should to complete, but once it’s out there I’ll be happy I did it.