Jun 23 2008
Conflicted
I wasn’t sure how (or even if) I was going to address this, but I’m really making an effort to be honest and open about my struggle with disordered eating, so here we go.
This weekend was a complete disaster for me, and I don’t really know why. I mean, my job stress has dramatically decreased. I don’t have any ongoing conflicts with friends or family members. My marriage is fantastic, and we’re in great shape financially. I’m sticking to my marathon training schedule and going to personal training sessions. Everything is going really well on the surface.
And I thought that things were going well beneath the surface too. I don’t feel particularly sad, angry, frustrated, restless, lonely, guilty, or any other negative emotion. I feel a vague sense of ennui about my career, but I’m excited about taking the PRAXIS in July and feeling positive overall about my future. If something’s bothering me, I’m not consciously aware of it.
I had bad–BAD–disordered eating episodes on Friday night and Saturday night. I’ll spare you the grim details. The only thing I can think of is that I had alcohol on both nights–two beers at dinner on Friday with my husband, several cocktails on Saturday night (out with the girls). Maybe after going so long without alcohol, the drinks had a more pronounced effect on my mood and/or blood sugar? That’s the only theory I’ve come up with…
(Note: Just to be on the safe side, no more alcohol for me for the foreseeable future. It’s just not worth it.)
Today, I feel… well, you know how it is. I feel anxious. I feel kind of like a failure (yes, intellectually, I know that two nights don’t undo the years of work I’ve put into getting over this, but still). I’m disappointed in myself–especially in the fact that I didn’t seem to learn from Friday night’s experience, and that I didn’t reach out to anyone for help or a friendly ear. I feel guilty and ashamed. It ain’t pretty over here at SCW headquarters.
But I’ll pull myself out of it. I got up and did my scheduled run this morning. I’ve eaten very healthy foods so far and will continue to do so. I’m writing about it, which always makes me feel better. I’m slowly but surely turning this frown upside down.
Ahhhhhhh. I do feel better having gotten that off my chest. Thanks for ‘listening’! So… any theories about why this might have happened? Do you think I’m on target with the alcohol hypothesis, or do you think something else might be going on?
I have no theories, but I know all too well that feeling of screwing up something you wanted really badly not to screw up. Good luck!
You could be right about the alcohol - you state that you feel anxious around it and since you haven’t really been drinking any, it is possible that it got the best of you. Then again, maybe because you’ve been doing so well with everything you felt comfortable enough to ‘let your guard down’ and it snuck up on you.
I’m sorry you had such a rough weekend…if there is anything - let me know, I’m always here!
~K
1. You pointedly say that there is no current “battle” in your life, and we’ve established previously that you’re having to remodel your “fighter” self. It could be that having no battle, you’ve created one.
2. It could be that you aren’t making good food decisions under the influence, or it could be the blood sugar thing. At any rate, it does seem that alcohol is a contributing factor one way or the other.
3. Could it also be, that in both situations, you were “treating” yourself in a reasonable manner (dinner out with hubby, girls night out), and that any attempt to rein in bad eating ruins that feeling of getting “treated”, so we don’t do it?
4. I wouldn’t look at this as a failure. If you have addiction or compulsion problems, I don’t think that you can really have a handle on it unless you deal with this. That sounded weird. How about- this is a part of your success; dealing with episodes in a healthy, honest, and positive manner. Not dealing with it, not acknowledging and processing it- that is failure.
Keep your chin up. We believe in you. We believe in your long term success.
xoxo
I am sorry you had a struggle with eating issues over the weekend. I always find that alcohol can magnify things for me.
I wonder if it is partly because you are working so hard to deal with it at the moment. I often find that when I want to deal with something it rears its ugly head even more than usual. Also I think it is really hard to reach out for support when you are in the middle of something like that - you’ve done well to reach out retrospectively.
Very impressed that you are training to run a marathon!
uch, I’m so sorry you’re struggling. I absolutely do think alcohol makes a difference - we get much more emotional and see things in a distorted way (it’s called “beer goggles” for a reason. I, too, had a rough night recently and it wasn’t until the next day when I could step back and say to my husband, “Do you think I overreacted about the cheesecake last nite b/c I’d been drinking?” (plus two PRESCRIBED painkillers). He was like, “Um, duh. Yes.”
Nice job on making it through the weekend and seeing the beautiful forest for the trees.
For me, alcohol was one of the hardest items for me to give up even though I only drank it socially before. Even just one drink leads me to extreme cravings for particular items, and lowered my ability to make sound decisions……..the ‘just a bit’ will start, and it will go downhill from there. While my food issues are more medical related, I have to stick to a pretty strict diet due to food intolerances and such, its still a struggle to stay on track. I have wondered if any of it has to do with dopamine receptors, or maybe the feeding of yeast imbalances, but I have never pin pointed the relationship entirely.
All the same, I gave up alcohol almost a year ago, and while I have slipped up about 4-5 times, once I get past being upset with myself, it strengthens my resolve to abstain going forward. I had thought it would be a temporary, but I am starting to accept this will be a permanent goal.
Best of luck on finding the right fit for you!
E
Jen, I’m so very proud of you for talking about this. On one hand I know how hard it must be for you to do so, but I also know what a sense of relief it is when other people know.
I wouldn’t be surprised at all if alcohol was a factor. I always tend to eat more if I’ve been drinking (which is a big reason I now limit myself to drinking once — maybe twice — a week). It’s so easy for me to tell myself that “just a little bit more” won’t matter.
I think it can be the alcohol on two counts… It lowers your inhibitions which will cause you to eat things and in ways you wouldn’t when you’re totally sober. And the alcohol will cause your blood sugar to spike and then fall leaving you craving certain things.
Of course, there are going to be moments or days when you just want to treat yourself and let go a little. One day or even two is not going to undo all your hard work. Don’t be so hard on yourself.
You’re doing a phenomenal job!
Hang in there.
checking back in on you.
how was your yesterday?