Jun 17 2008
Self-Acceptance vs. Self-Improvement
As any regular reader knows, we here at Semi-Charmed Wife (and yes, that’s the royal “we”) love to engage in personal development challenges and experiments. From curbing nonessential shopping to waking up early to cutting out alcohol, I’m always looking for a way to be… better. I have a deep fear of resting on my laurels and becoming complacent, of settling for good enough rather than aiming for great, of never reaching my full potential, so I’m always pushing pushing pushing to do more, be better, run faster, eat cleaner, work harder.
My very insightful personal cheerleader recently said in an email that it seems like sometimes I’m trying to prove myself with all of my personal development projects. There’s definitely some truth to that. As I mentioned in a previous post, one of the labels I’ve been wearing for a while is Screwup. I’ve spent most of my adulthood trying to atone for the mistakes of my teenage years. Some of that was healthy and good and some of it was completely over-the-top and self-punishing, but that’s neither here nor there.
The question of the moment for me is when does self-improvement become a negative? When should I be practicing self-acceptance instead?
For example, I hate strength/weight training. Hate it. Compared to the euphoric high and immediate stress relief I get from running, I find strength training to be tedious and, well, boring. So should I force myself to do it as a willpower-building self-improvement exercise, or should I accept that I don’t like it and stick to doing what I love?
Another example: I’m very resistant to meditation, but time and time again, I’ve been told that I need to practice it. I’m allergic to opiates, so my post-surgery pain management doctor suggested that I engage in regular meditation to learn to cope with pain without the benefit of drugs. My former therapist told me that I have a hard time staying focused on one project, and that meditation would help me become more centered. Most recently, Vera’s reading advised me to engage in meditation to help me live more in the now. But I just don’t want to. So should I suck it up and do it anyway, or accept my preferences and look for another way?
Should a shy person accept her personality the way it is, or try to become more outgoing?
Should my husband–who despises all vegetables (no joke, he’ll eat lettuce and that’s about it)–try to eat broccoli and spinach for the health benefits, or should he stick to what he likes and supplement with a multivitamin?
I don’t have the answers to these questions, but I’d be interested to hear your perspective. When is self-improvement healthy, and when would self-acceptance be the better path?
I’m with you–I don’t have any answers but I think these are EXCELLENT questions.
I have the same problem with meditation… I know it would be good for me, but I try and try and I just get bored. One thing I found that helped, when I was more motivated, was to get CD’s that were guided visualizations… sort of a combo of hypnosis and meditation. However, they get expensive, especially since I’d get bored with any one visualization and need something new pretty often. But they can be a good way to compromise between not meditating at all and doing the boring by-yourself kind.
Some day I’ll try to get back to them… or not! Great post.
I second the guided meditation method, I’ve heard it works wonders.
I think it depends, there are some things that you just won’t like. Not everyone likes veggies but maybe trying a different types he may stumble onto one that he likes but at least he’s being pro-active and takes a vitamin.
I believe there are different ways to accomplish the same effect when it comes to certain things in life. You just have to find your niche–just like this blog. You write about something that works for you…apply that type of mindset to things that derail you in your everyday life. It might not work at first but it may give you another way to look at things.
And for strength training…try POLE DANCING! You know I had to say it.
Hi Jen,
Hope you aren’t getting bored with my need to respond to each and every post! LOL…As Crabby McSlacker (LOVE the name!) wrote, I don’t have the answers, but these are great questions, truly.
Self-acceptance is something I have very little experience with. I feel like I am always ‘running’ from my true self. I am always trying to better myself and do the right thing. But sometimes the ‘right thing’ isn’t what I want to do, it’s what I think I should do.
Being self-aware and really looking at my MOTIVES is what I have found to be helpful. If I am doing something because I feel like I have to or it’s something everyone else is doing, then me not wanting to do it, is probably an indicator that I shouldn’t be doing it!
I hope this isn’t too confusing. This is such a great question to ponder and so my brain is all jumbled : )
Thanks, this is definitely something I want to look further into for myself.
Anna
I think you do a cost-effectiveness analysis on each individual case. (Wow, that was very bean counter-ish, no?)
Strength training: You’re keeping in shape with your running. You love running. You said it yourself- sticking with the strength training is nothing more than an exercise in willpower. I say save your willpower for something else. You’re covered on exercise, no reason to push it.
Meditation, on the other hand, has much to offer you. I think you have a hard time doing it because you have a very busy mind. I can’t hardly slow down enough to concentrate only on what I’m doing, so meditation would be damn near impossible with my current mental noise level. You’re struggling with it, and to me that sends an even bigger message that there is something in it that you sorely need. If you could do it (ie, strength training), but found it cumbersome, that would be a different story.
If you’re just not good at something, or you really don’t like it, then I think you should accept that and put your time and energy into something with a better effort/payoff ratio. The benefits of overcoming your struggle with meditation are worth whatever effort you put into it, so that’s a self-improvement situation.
Very good questions, and I don’t have many answers.
But on the subject of meditation, why not search for a meditative like activity that you do enjoy? For instance, I always thought I would hate gardening, but when we moved into our townhouse, it was necessary. I had already had a tough morning with some uncomfortable interactions with someone I don’t really like, and I figured I would get the gardening done to burn my energy. Somewhere around hour 4 of 5 total out there, I realized that I hadn’t let my thoughts wander at all. I was focused on exactly what I was doing, even though it didn’t require a lot of thought, and I was very soothed. So even though I wasn’t sitting still and concentrating on meditating, the act of gardening was still very meditative.
Many people accomplish this with crafts, like scrapbooking or needlepoint. Some accomplish it by playing a musical instrument. Something where you have to pay attention to what you are doing, but what you are doing doesn’t require complex thoughts.
I can’t accomplish this through exercise, because running or walking is so mindless that I can allow my thoughts to roam all over the place. I do much better when engaged in an activity of some sort.
I hope that opens your mind to some possible alternatives!!
This was very thought-provoking, and I could definitely relate.
I’m always trying to push myself and improve myself….but I wonder, when does it end? Though I think it’s admirable to push yourself to be the best, when do you just take a breath, relax, and enjoy who you are?
If you find out the answers, be sure to let the rest of us know.
I think… there is a line that we cross when we try to push the boundaries of our personality. Not that we shouldn’t try, but sometimes in the trying, we find a negative and turn the entire thing into a self fulfilling prophecy.
If we can find a positive spin on something we don’t relish doing, then it’s worth a try. But when someone tries to help you or you try to help yourself and find that it is a negative influence, then how can we expect it to have a positive outcome?
For instance, my mom wants me to lose weight and how does she try to motivate me? She tells me that I’ll lose Greg if I don’t lose weight. This makes me want to eat like never before, because it induces stress. I don’t believe Greg is like that, but she drills this stuff into me.
Ok, so that’s an extreme example, but I couldn’t help it as it just happened. Lol. Typing about it helps…
Is there something about weight training that you do like? Maybe how your muscles are starting to look? The knowledge that your muscles are burning calories even when you sleep? That it will help you to keep good bone density and thereby allow you to keep running with healthy strides? Find the positive and make it a positive outcome…
*hopping off the soap box*
*wait, back on again* Just one more quick word… we have to be happy with who we are at any place and situation in life ~ and want more, but still be happy with who you are - that’s the foundation of a positive.
This is a question I struggle with as well. In fact in July, I am saying no to any self-improvement projects.
I usually have some going on.
Of course I am always going for the win-win. I think accepting where you are right now and who you are right now is the start to self-improvement. I like my gratitude journal, hanging around positive people, and relishing when I have accomplished something. I think who you are has more importance than what you do.
Going to self-improvement from a place of self-confidence and contentment makes projects more like fun experiments than torturous programs.
I know when I try to improve because I am feeling like an incompetent slob it feels harder and more like work than when I am feeling good. So now I play with my thoughts and concentrate on self-care before doing another project.
And some work, some don’t. Fasting on brown rice for detox just gave me migraines. And I have yet to find out what works for my allergies. Boot camp was not highly successful, but swimming, pilates, yoga and walking I can stick with. If something doesn’t work, I look for another way.
Don’t like weights - try bands, a video, pilates, yoga, working with a trainer. Don’t like vegetables - try different preparation methods, hiding them in food, getting them from the farmer’s market. (personally I love vegetables).
I am shy, so I know how long I can be with people, crowds aren’t the best for me and I need downtime after being with a lot of people. So I give myself that downtime, but I will often give myself a tiny goal or risk to take like talking to a new person before an event. You can understand who you are and still grow.
Working with who you are and playing with different methods while still being grateful and satisfied where you are now is the best win-win.
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that’s a tough one! I don;t think one needs to necessarily change their personality (ie go from shy to extroverted) unless you feel something missing in a shy life. Your hubby hating veggies is different - it’s a preference, not a personality characteristic. Plus, veggies are good for you, while not eating veggies is bad. Being shy isn’t inherently good or bad. Some of us are loud and boistorous, others more subdued. Makes the world go ’round baby.
That said, I would totally urge you to try guided imagery. You needn’t become a deciated daily convert, but I have had such incredible success with it. It’s so empowering to see what you’re mind can make your body do!
I think that is a tough question to ask and the answer solely depends on the person answering it. I think some things should be accepted - people cannot change who they fundamentally are and that is not always a bad thing. However if there is a behavior that is affecting someone negatively then perhaps they should look at alternate options.
I think self-improvement becomes negative when we look in the mirror and don’t know who we’ve become and are still not happy with the results.
~K
I am exactly the same way with all my self improvement projects! It gets a little depressing sometimes. Which is the opposite of what I’m working for!
I’m so with you on weight lifting. It just isn’t as fun as a good cardio fest:)
I know what you mean about feeling resistant against meditation. I had the same thing. Why don’t you try out the meditation cd’s from http://www.centerpointe.com (I don’t hold any shares from that company LOL). they did wonders for me. I feel so much quieter in my mind and body and I don’t fight as much as I used to. You can request a free cd to try it out and to hear how it works and then a first level cd before you decide to buy more of them. I love them…