Jun 10 2008
The Me That I Am
I’ve been thinking a lot about some of the insights I gained from Vera’s reading, particularly about the need to surrender my ideas and conceptions about who I am. It’s a much thornier issue than I had initially thought.
I’ve always been a firm believer that I am who I am today because of the experiences I’ve had and the choices I’ve made, and I thought of that as a good thing. Yes, there were aspects of my childhood that were difficult (much like anyone else’s), but they taught me self-reliance and emotional control. Yes, my first marriage was a disaster that left me in spiritual and financial ruin, but the rebuilding process proved to me that I’m strong and resilient. Yes, I made unwise choices when it came to coping mechanisms (I’m thinking of you, food and alcohol), but that made me a more compassionate, empathetic person. Yes, I’ve had many negative experiences, but they’ve taught me how to persevere and how not to give up. I think of myself as a scrapper, a fighter, a never-say-die-er. Isn’t that a good thing?
I always thought so until I started thinking more about this reading. “When you focus on a thought, your energy becomes more like that thought.” I think of myself as a fighter, right? Well, what does a fighter do? She fights, which means that there have to be obstacles, challenges, problems, barriers, roadblocks, and snags.
Do you see where I’m going with this?
Is it possible that my conception of myself, my ideas about myself, and my (perhaps overzealous) claiming and ownership of my past have created a Jen who doesn’t know how to exist without a constant battle?
*Jaw hitting floor*
Could it be that accepting and being accountable for our past choices and experiences is Stage One of spiritual development, and Stage Two is realizing that none of that really matters?
To be frank, I find the concept of existing without reference to my past to be utterly terrifying. I use my past to make sense of my present. I view every experience, every idea, every thought through the lens of the experiences I’ve had thus far. I wouldn’t even know how to see the present without my lens, let alone navigate the uncharted waters of the future.
What’s more, my entire concept of who I am is wholly dependent on the past. If you strip away what I’ve endured and experienced, what’s left? Who is left? If I am not my thoughts and ideas and experiences (i.e., my Mind), who am I? Can I still be Me without my past?
my jaw is dropped there with yours.
this?
“When you focus on a thought, your energy becomes more like that thought.”
I entirely believe yet hadnt ever taken it that step further either.
as always now you have ME THINKING and MULLING.
M.
I like your interpretation a lot. Even though I’m currently in a rough patch, I think that I have actually been able to do some of this, letting go of the past.
While I recognize a few things that you said, about being a fighter, a scrapper, I have also learned to appreciate a boring life when I have one. I recall several conversations with family, those who have always known all of my drama, and being able to say that there’s nothing new, nothing going on, and how that’s a really good thing. And not that I want to be bored or boring, and I’m not, but when life is drama free, I do absolutely appreciate it.
I think part of my issue right now is existing in drama, and wanting so desperately to not be in it, but finding myself stuck there nonetheless.
I’m going to work on mulling this one over today.
As always, great post!
I’m like you…I’m a fighter and wanting to always be tough. I think having everything be “hunky-dorky” is quite numbing, not relying on my past= numbing.
I find that a lot of people want to hold onto the past (both good and the bad). The key is to acknowledge it, deal with all the ramnifications and let it go. Today is not yesterday nor tomorrow, enjoy and learn from where you are currently.
Yes, you can be you without the past. This is exactly what the book (A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle) I’m reading is talking about…you are not your past, you are not your thoughts about your past, you are now-the present. We [humans] want so much to define ourselves and ‘find’ ourselves that we put labels on things and attach ourselves to what is like us, surround ourselves with people whom we define are ‘like us.’ But we are so much more, by doing this we limit ourselves - think back to when we were kids (or perhaps think of another child today) how often have you heard the statement “the world is your oyster, anything is possible.” We say that to children but rarely to ourselves or others, why?? Because we’ve defined ourselves and them and don’t see it that way anymore.
~k
Jen,
I have had to cope with this same issue recently.
My own self-healing process has led me to understand that it is not our entire past that we have to let go of, but rather that we need to refocus on WHAT past we embrace in our mind.
A regression meditation led me to understand that “tough” Vera was not the real Vera. She had not existed throughout my ENTIRE life, only PART of it.
So, I had to ask myself , who was the Vera that existed prior to tough-Vera.
The real Vera was the youthful, artistic, sweet and optimistic child-self who got buried under tough Vera, using her as a shield to protect child-Vera’s sensitive feelings.
Since I allowed myself to admit that child-Vera is closer to spirit than tough-Vera, and therefore is just as (if not MORE) valuable, things have begun to shift.
It is like I was standing in the boxing ring and then all of a sudden the backdrop for that scene fell down and I was left with the cinematic blue screen. New. Fresh.
No Presumptions. No Preclusions. Just Vera, as she always truly was.
It may not be the same for you, but it was a jaw-drop moment of realization for me.
Blessings,
Vera Nadine
Wow! What Jen and Vera both posted here really made sense in my mind. I definitely perceive myself as a ‘fighter’. I had to deal with some traumatic things as a teenager and have been coming to grips with that ever since.
As Vera said, when I took a good hard look at the child I was BEFORE I was sucked into this sometimes-harsh world, I am reminded of the carefree, happy-go-lucky, world is your oyster person I used to be. I see glimpses of that person every so often (more now than in years passed) and I LOVE that person.
Why have I focused so often on the hard times but not the good times? Why can’t I just live in the day and be happy with who I am today irregardless of my past or my future?
I am so happy to have read your question, Jen. Am I ME without my past? When we stop projecting or expecting things to be the way we think they should be or the way we think they are, we are free to just be. That means be who we are right now, at this exact moment. And that person neither has a past nor a future, they just have TODAY!
This is a great reading. Keep ‘em comin!!!
I just had to post on this. There was just too much to say. And get outta my head!
[…] Where You Came From Posted on June 10, 2008 by verybadcat Jen, over at Semi-Charmed, raised an issue that I have to do more than just comment on. She’s looking for the proper […]
I am a fighter too. There was never a time in my childhood where I was free from fear. What do I refer back to? What can I hold onto? I want to move beyond the past too.
Wow - powerful revelation! Thanks so much for sharing - I’ll be mulling this one over for a while. I’m muddling, now - who is it that I think I am? I’m not entirely sure, and maybe that’s a place to begin. If I’m not even visualizing myself as ANYTHING in particular, that can’t be too good, either. So what do I want to move toward?
[trying to get my jaw back in its place]
… your analysis of a fighter hit home with so much noise that my ears are still ringing… it is funny because I’m working on the same subject as you (who am I really?). It gave me fresh input.
thank you so much for writing this post.
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