Jun 05 2008
More Tiny Changes
I’m all about generating original content here at Semi-Charmed Wife, but sometimes, brilliant people put out such great stuff that I am compelled to highlight it! Today’s post comes to us once more from Stephanie Qilao at Back in Skinny Jeans. I love her “Tiny Changes” strategy–I’ve featured it before, and I’m featuring it again!
The topic is… (drum roll) FORGIVENESS!
This week, pick one low hanging grudge, something minor, you’ve been holding onto and let it go. Forgive the other person and yourself.
I forgive you, A. I was really hurt that you shared what I told you in confidence, and I was angry that you dragged me into your personal drama with W. But I recognize that I had a large role in this mess, and I’m really sorry for it. I forgive both of us for being petty and small.
When you feel you can be emotionally objective for a moment, take a few minutes, and make a list of the top 5 things you’d like to forgive and heal, so you can let go of it. You don’t need to take any action yet, just write the list. The simple act of writing the list states your intent, and is a move in the direction of your joy. When you are ready, start to tackle each item on the list one at a time.
- I’d like to forgive my parents.
- I’d like to forgive my Christina.
- I’d like to forgive ex-husband.
- I’d like to forgive God (or whatever you want to call Him/Her/It).
- I’d like to forgive myself.
Ask yourself, “What am I gaining by holding onto these hurts, grudges, and pains?” The only reason we hold onto to anything is because of some perceived benefits whether real or imagined. There is a part of you that is benefiting from holding onto the past. By looking at it consciously, you may find out that you don’t even remember why you’re even holding on to some of the hurts your holding on to. In other cases, you can gain insight on what you need to heal.
The answer is the same for all of them. By holding onto anger and pain, I am getting something very valuable–an excuse. Why did I throw away my first shot at a college education? Because of problems from my childhood, of course. I can’t be held responsible for that. Where did I first learn how to make myself throw up? From Christina. Clearly, it’s not my fault that I developed a severe eating disorder and gave into it for ten years. Where did I first learn to depend on substances instead of deal with my problems? From my ex-husband. He’s the one who taught me about drugs. Why did I get the breast cancer gene and have to have a masectomy? Why did I then have an allergic reaction to painkillers and have to go through it with only Tylenol? Oh, that was God. I never did anything to deserve that. But seriously, it’s all my fault. I’m a horrible, awful person and need to be punished. So I should drink too much. I shouldn’t exercise and eat right. I should sabotage friendships. I should push away people who love me.
That’s right. Holding onto this anger and pain just gives me an excuse for bad behavior.
Ask yourself, “What will I gain by letting go of these hurts, grudges, and pains?”
I will gain peace of mind, emotional comfort, focus, insight, and clarity. I’ll be able to look at myself clearly–without the distorting veil of hurt–and see what it is I’m here to do and how I can best do it. I’ll gain something I lost a long time ago–self-worth and personal power.
Is it more important for you to be right or to have peace? Sometimes, we hold onto an anger or grudge because we need to feel that we were in the right, and we cannot forgive until that other person admits that they were wrong and you were right. But really, each person has a part in an argument, and each person has a part in the forgiveness process. Does it really matter who makes the first move, and is it really worth it to waste valuable peaceful times with friends, loved ones, or collegues simply because your ego needs to feel vindicated? Would you rather have peace or the heaviness of a continued stand-off?
Oh, I want peace. I want peace so badly. I’m not in open conflict with anyone right now, which is almost worse, because it means that all the anger and pain and hurt is confined to my own mind. I need to release it in order to be free.
I want to do something to formalize this process, so I’m going to write letters to the people I named above expressing my feelings and venting all the anger, shame, frustration, and sadness that’s been bottled up. After I’ve written the letters, I’m going to burn them. From that point on, any time bad memories arise, I’ll tell myself “All is forgiven” and let it go.
Whom do you need to forgive?
I’ll have to read her post.
I will have to do this exercise for myself because I’m struggling hard with the issue of forgiveness right now. Especially with all that is going on around me; I need to be reminded of this fact…quite often.
Hold onto guilt or anger brings you down, rarely the other person. Admitting, getting outside of your head and learning to come to grips with it is the only way that you’ll be able to set yourself free!
Forgiving my parents for my childhood was huge for me. It really paved the way for the great relationships I have with them now.
Yeah, there are a few people I should forgive right now. I like the letter idea, as then I could get the thoughts that swim around my head from time to time out of my system. Don’t know if I’m ready though. I’ll have to chew on this.
Thanks for this post! It was very personal, so thank you for sharing the inside of yourself once again!
Forgiveness is something I have been working on for years. I still have some work to do with certain people but there are a couple that I have made major improvements on, more than I thought I would at this point. Concerning my biological father, I still hold that grudge closely. It sneaks up on me sometimes that I should let that go but I fight it. I know I do this out of pride. I feel like if I forgive him and let him into my life then all he did to hurt me is washed away. And nothing he did can be made ok so therefore I can’t forgive him. Like I said, I am still working on this…
Thanks for such a personal post about your own demons.
I guess I need to forgive all the bitchy classmates who made 3 years of my life at school very difficult (and one of whom pinched a job from me shortly after leaving school).
My current blog (all about said teenage bitchiness) probably makes it look as if I am very negative and angry, but that is not quite the case.
I have now a job that pays very well (even if not the one I originally intended) and I can see possibilities for myself beyond what any of those classmates, who are still stuck in a rut in their jobs, ever imagined I would achieve.
So perhaps there is a purpose to everything in life and it all happened for a reason.
your raw honesty in this post is very compelling…thanks for giving me the gentle nudge i needed to start working on some things.
my parents didn’t teach me how to handle money responsibly, so obviously it’s their fault that i’m thousands of dollars in debt. my parents - mom, in particular, i think - somehow taught me that relationships with men were something to be ashamed of, so she’s to blame for the fact that i’ve never had a relationship that lasted more than 5 months (recent broken engagement included). and i’m not sure who’s to blame for my weight issues, but it certainly couldn’t be me!
oh dear…yes, there’s LOTS to work on!!
this is a very raw and honest post and I think you’re brave for sharing your thoughts like this. You’re right - anger and grudges are such pointless emotions - like jealousy, all they do is rile us up and lead to arguments. Nothing positive really comes out except it lets us, in some way, feel like we’re “in the right.” I can’t write my list here because (a) it’s so personal and (b) I really need to think about it but I’ve got some ideas and let’s just say, three of them are on your list, too.
It took me a little bit to respond to this one. Saying the words “I forgive” is the first step, but actually letting myself forgive is a the next part. I have a history of saying “I forgive you” but secretly harboring resentment which only leads to guilt on my part. I spend so much of my time ‘covering up’ my real feelings because I think I want to forgive, but really I want to keep feeling bad.
This is all a learning process for me … so to start with I think I need to forgive myself.
~K