Jun 04 2008
Know When to Fold ‘Em
I personally believe that life is a kind of classroom, and we’re all here to learn some spiritual lessons before we leave this world. (I’m in the middle of learning a very painful one right now–the kind where my own petty, catty behavior is coming back to bite me in the derriere. Hard. But that’s a story for another day…) One of those lessons is summed up very neatly in Kenny Rogers’s hit song, “The Gambler“:
You got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em
Know when to walk away, know when to run… (refrain)Now every gambler knows that the secret to survivin’
Is knowin’ what to throw away and knowin’ what to keep… (verse 4)
When you look at your life as a whole–your behaviors, your relationships, your thoughts, your attitudes, your beliefs, your goals, your dreams, your desires–there’s going to be both (1) stuff that you need but don’t have and (2) stuff that you have but don’t need. We’re focusing on the second category today.
In most cases, the stuff you have but don’t need is fairly innocuous (like clothes that no longer fit)–but beware! It may be weighing you down and preventing you from developing as a person. In other cases, stuff you have but don’t need is actually causing you harm. One important and difficult skill to learn is how to identify the stuff you don’t need and get rid of it. (Side note: sometimes learning to want to get rid of it is the hardest part.)
So how can you sort through all the different thoughts and behaviors and people and habits and goals and patterns that populate your life and determine what you should throw away and what you should keep? Here’s the three-part process that’s working well for me:
- Evaluate your feelings. As you know, I’ve been reevaluating my understanding of my life’s purpose lately. That process started because every time I sat down to do creative writing, I felt frustrated, disappointed in myself, and confused. I desperately loved the idea of being a novelist, though, and that made me feel good. My emotions were giving me mixed signals. Another example is that I set a goal for myself to work up to doing 25 on-the-toes pushups. I feel really resentful and resistant to working toward that goal. Maybe my feelings are trying to tell me something.
- Use your intellect. Bring some logic into the process. Looking at my purpose, I was able to objectively observe that I was much more committed to my website and it’s “You can do it” message than I was to my creative writing. I write about personal development at least 5 days a week, but when it comes to my creative projects, I suddenly “don’t have time”. Logic tells me that I don’t really want to focus on fiction. With respect to my pushup goal, I’ve always been uncomfortable with strength training. As a tall, lanky person, it’s harder for me to feel and see results so I quickly get frustrated. But my intellect tells me that strength training (including pushups) is important and is beneficial to my overall health and fitness.
- Consult your intuition. My gut has been telling me for a while that I was off-base with the creative writing focus. I just didn’t want to listen. Like anyone else, I don’t like being wrong. I also prefer having things settled and decided and concrete rather than up in the air, so I soldiered on knowing that I was probably wrong. My intuition loves my new message, and I get a strong feeling of “rightness” when I’m working with it. Regarding pushups, my intuition tells me that achieving this goal–even though it might be frustrating and take longer than I wanted–will be empowering and motivating. My gut is telling me to fight through the resistance and persevere.
So I decided to “throw away” the old purpose that didn’t really fit and keep the pushup goal. My emotions, intellect, and intuition gave me all the information I needed in order to make an informed decision, whereas–if I had listened to my emotions alone (which many of us do)–I would have either made the wrong decision or continued on in a state of confusion and disharmony.
This process can be especially helpful in dealing with people and attitudes that need to be released from your life. There’s a person on the fringes of my life–not a close friend, but someone I occasionally see–who’s caused a lot of drama and toxicity over the past six months. In that case, my intuition has known for a long time that I need to end that relationship, but my feelings (guilt, empathy, desire not to hurt someone’s feelings) have been standing in the way. Using this process made it much more clear to me that this person is a source of negativity and is having a detrimental effect on my other friendships. I’ve also used the three-step process with success in countering irrational beliefs (”If I’m perfect, everyone will love me”).
What stuff do you have but not need?
Hmmm, great topic. I could try this with my current hostility/self-righteousness against my husband’s ex-wife. She is being very difficult at the moment with regards to me. Little league is a time that I have to see her a lot, and she went from being total buddy buddy with me to completely ignorning me. She and my husband recently had a fight where she called me a child bride. She clearly has some issues with my age (I’m 12 years younger than my husband, but I think her brain halted my age about 3 years ago, so she doesn’t realize that I really am nearly 30), and really I’m just tired of her rudeness. It’s all her insecurities, as I have always been very nice to her, even nearly aquiescent at times, but she just doesn’t like that my husband found happiness “after her.”
My feelings are that she is rude, she is setting a poor example for my stepdaughter, who is also forced to ignore me because of her mother’s behavior, and she has no good reason to treat me this way. My feelings have me telling her off in my fantasy world all the time. My feelings are that she needs to be put in her place once and for all. My feelings are that I don’t deserve this, and everyone needs to know that she is the beast, not me. My scariest feeling of all is the fear that I’m not strong enough for this.
My intellect knows that a confrontation is not only futile, but would actually be very detrimental all around. It would hurt my stepkids immensely to witness or even know about a conflict between their mom and me or their dad; my stepdaughter is uncomfortable enough when she sees her mom ignore me. My intellect knows that her issues are about her, not me, so nothing I say would do anything to change her behavior. My intellect knows that stooping to her level makes me just as insecure and petty as she is. My intellect knows that she will use anything and everything against my husband just to hurt him because she is an out and out bully. My intellect knows that baseball season is almost over, and I won’t have to see her for a while.
My intuition is the hardest to hear right now. I think it’s telling me that yes, I think about her too much right now, but that’s partly because the way she acts is so far beyond my scope of reality that I can’t even wrap my mind around it. My intuition is probably telling me to push through the discomfort, continue to say hello to her, even when she ignores me. My intuition I think knows that I am plenty strong enough for this, but that I’m just giving it too much mental real estate.
Clearly, it is time to find something more constructive to think about when my anger towards her flares. But what? I need a trigger, or a self-talk to get me out of this pattern. I think recognizing it right now will help a lot, remind me to direct my thoughts elsewhere.
Okay, gotta go think about something else! She’s on my mind just from this comment! Good post!!!
Hi there,
Great topic for today! In the past year, I have made some pretty big changes to my life. Some of those include getting rid of PEOPLE that I may know for a long time but have nothing in common with anymore. This was especially difficult because of the irrational belief and instinct of, “I want everyone to like me and be my friend.”
However, your 3-step process tells me I did the right thing. These people were not my friends, and we were no longer offering each other any real value. What a relief to read and see that everything will be okay. Lately I’ve been letting my mind play tricks on me telling me that I was wrong and I’m a lose because now they are not my friends anymore. But the truth is, I don’t really miss them too much, just the idea of them.
Anyway, thanks so much, I really enjoy reading your rational and smart blog : )
Anna
i just discovered your site today & i think it’s my new favorite place to be! i was especially hit by the song you chose to illustrate your topic today. i recently broke off an engagement, and everything that goes with that (having a man in my life, making wedding plans, getting to be “the bride”, etc.), and one day when i was questioning whether i’d done the right thing, that song came on the radio in my car, and the message came across loud and clear - especially where he says that you’ve gotta “know when to walk away, and know when to run”! at that moment, i was encouraged and reassured that i’d made the right decision, that my instincts had been right to turn away from that relationship and go a different direction.
i fought my intellect and emotions quite a lot before i made that life-changing decision, all the while knowing what i really needed to do, and i was completely miserable. now that i’ve done the right thing for me (and, i believe, for him), i still have moments of doubt and loneliness, but that’s all they are - moments. overall, i am happier and mentally healthier than i have been in months, maybe even years. i’m thankful that by reading your post today, i’ve once again been reassured that i’m emotionally smarter than i’ve ever been!
i’m excited to read more on your blog tonight when i get home!
danielle
Great post!
This is totally what I needed to read today. I’m battling this scenario with an off - on again beau but I’ve come to the realisation over the past few weeks that a.) I’m tired and b.) I’m not a bad person–so why does it feel that I’m getting the sharp end of the stick.
I think part of me feels that I need to support him because he’s going through a really rough patch (he feels he may lose his house–I’m optimistic that he won’t) and we have a lot of good times between us but a lot of pain as well…not to mention he has family obligations–LONG STORY.
Anyway, this song rang true. I have to learn to stand my ground with him and keep my boundaries ringing loud and clear. I want to be happy in all aspects of my life. I do want him in my life but not like this…and I really don’t need to feel like I’m less than and being pulled down.
Thanks for this post, Jen!
I was sent to your website by a mutual friend. I am in search of my life’s work, so she thought I would find your site helpful and inspiring. I am currently reading Caroline Myss’ Sacred Contracts which I highly recommend for illuminating purpose. I clicked on the article you linked about message and the medium. Just for fun, I thought I would consult my tarot cards with this question in mind: “What is my message?”
I drew three cards only. Here are their divinatory meanings:
1) Death - Clearing the past. Letting go of old ways of being. Protecting oneself from possible karmic reactions to past deeds
2) Two of Pentacles - Letting go internally of things no longer needed allows for the rebuilding of genuine strength
3) Four of Swords - Healing from the wounds of battle.
I was delighted in the synchronicity of my message with your latest post.
So, my message would be something like “Letting go of things no longer needed, thoughts, patterns, attitudes, wounds that do not serve the higher purpose, will clear the channels for healing and reaching one’s highest potential.” This rings so true to me because its what I’ve been working on in my personal journey for years. Now, I just need to find the medium for getting this message out.