May 05 2008
Fat Is Not a Feeling
Thanks to all of you who guest posted, commented, and suggested topics for Self-Esteem Week. I thought it was a smashing success! But before we say good-bye to the subject, I wanted to write one more post. Today’s topic is self-esteem and body image.
“I feel fat.”
How many times have you uttered those words? Or if not you, your coworker, your mother, your sister, your best friend, or your daughter?
 Image from http://www.lifedynamics.com
“I feel fat.”
I find myself thinking those words at least a few times a week. After a ten-year battle with an eating disorder, my self-esteem is pretty much welded to my body image. When I feel good about myself, when I like who I am, I feel “skinny”. When I make a mistake, when I’m not 100% perfect, I feel “fat”.
But what sense does that make? Look up the definition of “fat”. It has absolutely nothing to do with emotions or state of mind or the self. Absolutely nothing. So what on earth do I mean when I say I feel “fat”?
I mean that I feel guilty or ashamed. I mean that I feel anxious. I mean that I don’t like myself very much at that moment. I mean that I feel lonely or restless. I mean that I feel angry or frustrated. I mean that I feel bad about myself.
Somewhere along the way, I stopped wanting to feel these feelings (makes sense, doesn’t it?). I couldn’t control the world that made me sad or angry or frustrated. But you know what I could control? My body. So instead of claiming and expressing my feelings, I started directing them inward, acting them out on my body. Bad = fat, good = skinny. The only way to be “good” was to be thin.
I did very destructive things in my quest to be thin. I starved. I binged. I purged. Over and over again. After a decade of this behavior, my body has become the barometer of my worth.
But now, as I contemplate having children in the next few years, reclaiming myself and loving my body have taken on more and more urgency. This body that I’ve punished and hated for years will eventually give me children. Those children will look to me to teach them. “I feel fat” is not a lesson I want my children to learn.
I’d like for all of you to make a promise with me. Let’s banish “I feel fat” from our vocabularies. Let’s learn that it’s OK to feel angry or frustrated, and let’s learn how to express ourselves honestly. Let’s start loving ourselves a little bit more and judging ourselves a little bit less.
Are you with me?
Table of contents for Self-Esteem Week
Sometimes I wonder when or if my body battle will ever be finished.
I especially worry about this in regards to having kids. I don’t want them to go through what I had too and I worry sometimes if I’ll repeat the disastrous cycle (since people tend to do that).
I hope not too, which is why I’m not in a rush to have kids but do worry about it.
I think it’s a great idea, but I don’t know if personally I will ever be able to banish the thought from my brain. As posted a while back I got a rude wake up call when it comes to kids and this ‘fat’ word. I make a conscious effort to not use it in front of my children (and perhaps it will stick with me) but typically I work to teach her something I have been unable to teach myself - doesn’t mean I won’t stop trying!
~K
I could say a lot here, but this anecdote will suffice-
Kids will change your life, and body, in ways no one could ever guess at. Even at a young age, looking at life through them can help you to grow. My 2YO daughter and I have had a couple inadvertent conversations about bodies that have made me think.
http://sillymommysays.blogspot.com/2008/04/to-have-body-image-of-2-year-old.html
Found you on Blogher - you’re doing a great job, thanks!
Good idea! I like your breakdown of that phrase. It’s such a loaded comment and yet too often we don’t really pay attention to the reasons behind why we’re saying it.
I relate so much to your words here, it is scary. You are absolutely right - “I feel fat” never means “I feel fat.” It’s a security blanket - a scratchy, holey, dirty one. Thanks for saying this all so eloquently.
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