Today’s post is from the lovely and brilliant Leah O’Leary of Free to Be Family. Leah was featured in a previous post on how you can use coaching to improve your life. She’s back today with a post about how our perceptions of what others think of us can affect our self-esteem. I had never thought about this issue in the way Leah discusses it until now. Her advice is, as always, insightful and right on target!

And now, I’ll turn this post over to Leah:

For the first few years of dating my husband, I struggled with being accepted by his family almost weekly.  My husband is the oldest of eight children, most of who are married or in long term relationships, and they all live within 20 miles of us.  The feeling of judgment was always palpable for me at family functions.  I constantly had this icky feeling that they didn’t like me for some reason.

I pressured myself to fit in, to do things their way, to be someone they would like.  Nothing ever seemed to improve.  On the surface, everything always seemed fine, but I knew the gossip current running beneath every conversation.  I knew that I would be talked about later for some snippet they would decide to read into.  I knew that I wasn’t being invited to things that his sisters and mother were doing together.  I knew that I just didn’t belong.  I agonized over these feelings of inadequacy much too often.  My husband couldn’t ever see why it bothered me so much that his sisters didn’t seem to like me.  He never stopped to care whether or not they liked him.

Well, it bothered me because I am a woman with self-esteem issues.  I want, rather need, everyone to like me.  I’m a nice person, darn it!  I care about people, I care about family, and I want to be part of this family!  Why can’t they see that and like me for who I am?  Why can’t they just let me in?  

Finally, a few things came together to help me get me out of my cyclical toxic thoughts and actions.  First, I became very close friends with another outlaw sister-in-law.  She had been in the family longer than I had, so she was able to share her experience to let me know that I was not alone in this alienation.  Second, I started listening.  I listened to my husband, I listened to the family talk, really listened to what they were saying and about whom, and I started listening to my own brain when things didn’t quite add up.

“Wait a second,” I thought, “I don’t always like them, either!” 

It took long enough to get to this, probably not until after we were engaged, but it was a way of thinking that saved my emotional health in respect to my husband’s family.  Why was I expending so much time and energy focusing on whether or not they like and accept me, when I’m not always sure I like and accept them?  If they liked me the way I wanted them to, would that make me more like them?  I didn’t want to be like them; they can be mean and catty, they gossip, and they judge before they have all the information.  Nope.  I think I’ll stick with being me: a nice person who tries to get along with and see the good in everyone, even those who are not always so nice.

Here are some things to ask when you find yourself in this tough situation:

1. Have I ever done anything that makes me deserve this person not liking me?
If you have wronged this person in any way, it may be important to first make amends, and make sure that the situation is completely resolved.  It might be as simple as a miscommunication issue.  If the answer is no, move on to number 2.

2. Is this person’s non-acceptance of me about me, or about her?
The majority of the time, I have found it to be true that when a person who doesn’t know you very well doesn’t like you, her issue has more to do with her than it does with you.  You may bring out her insecurities or jealousies in some way, or you might inadvertently pose as some sort of competition to her.  In any case, try not to take it personally.  Continue to be nice, and never allow yourself to get sucked into any sort of confrontation with her, as that will only serve to confirm her made up judgments of who you really are.

3. How do I feel about this person?
If you are spending so much time trying to get someone to accept you, it’s important to take a moment to make sure she is worth all of this energy.  Most likely, she’s not.  If she was, she would like you on merit from the very beginning.  It’s possible that you just aren’t compatible with this person.  If you can get along with her on the surface and stop yourself from thinking about what she might be saying about you later, you will cut your energy expenditures on this person by more than half.

4. How will this person’s acceptance serve me?
Have you ever noticed how much time and energy you spend trying to get people to like you just for the sake of getting them to like you?  How could you redirect that energy into the relationships that you know are solid or building already?  Shoot for quality over quantity, and you will experience fulfilling relationships with people who like you for who you are.  You will even stop noticing those who don’t like you, because your need for them to like you will fade in the brightness of those who already do.

Remember to trust yourself when you are faced with this situation.  Learn to accept that the people who do not like you for who you are are missing out on all the greatness you have to offer.  Share your greatness with those who deserve you most.

Want to contact Leah for a coaching session? Send her an email! 

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Tags: Family, self-esteem

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