Apr 01 2008
Stop Reliving the Past
I’ve been awake since 1:30 this morning. I’ve been having a conflict with a friend, and she and I exchanged a series of tense emails yesterday. When I woke up to get a drink of water, the situation popped into my mind. I started mentally re-reading all of the emails. Oh, I should have said this, and I can’t believe she wrote that–on and on, ad nauseam. I could NOT get back to sleep. I finally gave up around 4:30 and got out of bed.
This is an ongoing struggle for me, this inability to let go. Once I do something, I can’t let it just be done. No, I have to analyze it, agonize over it, and relive it repeatedly. “Let it go,” my husband said as I tossed and turned. “I mean, what’s done is done–you can’t change it now.” Yeah, I can’t change it and I also can’t stop thinking about it. He’s used to my obsessive rehashing. It’s pretty common for me to get an episode from the past stuck in my head and think about until my stomach hurts and I’ve made myself miserable.
I’ve tried different strategies–several kinds of therapy (talk therapy, cognitive-behavioral, eye movement desensitization, etc.), repeating a phrase to stop the obsessing (”What’s done is done”), talking to friends, writing about it. Nothing seems to work. I know I’ve got to do something, though–I need some frigging PEACE OF MIND!!! So, I’ve been doing some research over the past couple of days and I’ve come up with a new strategy…
Recognize that the compulsion to relive the past comes from feelings of incompleteness and uncertainty. Repeating experiences is a key part of how we learn. (Ever watch a baby throw a toy in the floor over and over again? They’re learning a concept called “object permanence”–i.e., the toy doesn’t disappear when I can’t see it.) The compulsion surrounding certain past events arises because those events contain incorrect information or incomplete information. By reliving the event over and over again, we’re trying to learn from the experience by resolving open issues.
Determine what information is either incorrect or missing. What is it about the event that bothers you? In the case of the conflict with my friend, I was bothered by two things: (1) uncertainty about the outcome; and (2) her incorrect assumptions about me.
Take action to achieve closure. With my friend, there was certainly inaccurate information that I had the power to correct. I sent her an email this morning to do just that. In some cases, the incorrect information may be a belief that you hold based on your past, like “If I can be perfect, my parents will love me”. This belief might drive you to become an exacting perfectionist. Correcting old beliefs is hard–a good therapist might be helpful–but you can do it. Affirmations are also an effective tool (”I am perfect just as I am” or “I am loved for who I am not what I do”).
Then there’s the incomplete information. Sometimes you’ll be able to fill in the gaps, and sometimes you won’t. Let’s say your question is “Why did my boyfriend break up me?” Well… you could call/email him and ask him. You could ask a friend or your mom. Or you could just make something up–that’s right, it doesn’t have to be “correct” as long as you believe it. I’m not going to know the outcome of the situation with my friend until it happens. But I can use a powerful tool–my imagination–to “experience” the worst-case scenario and become OK with it.
I’ve never tried a strategy like this, attempting to achieve closure on each memory or event that keeps resurfacing rather than focusing on the behavior itself. I’m looking forward to implementing these techniques and I’ll be sure to let you know how they work.
Do you struggle with this as well? Are there any strategies that have worked particularly well for you?
This article was featured in the Carnival of Improving Life, the Carnival of Healing, and the Carnival of Personal Power–check out the other great articles!
If you like this article, Digg it!
I have struggled with this…still do at times. There was one particular situation many years ago between my sister-in-law and I that really nagged at me. I could not let it go for anything in the world. It felt like the harder I tried to be nice, the more she tried to stir up trouble.
And honestly, it literally took me YEARS to finally let go. It didn’t happen until I experienced a mind-shift, where I told myself it didn’t matter any more. I was in control of MY life, and SHE was in control of hers. And by allowing the confusion and drama to keep me in knots all the time, I was allowing HER to control ME. When I finally “got” that, I was able to totally let go of the situation.
Great post!
I had a couple responses to this yesterday. I’m glad to see that I’m not the only one who does this.
I think I’ll try a few of these exercises, too! It could really help.
Oh, did you relive your papers and exams in school? I drove myself crazy on that one!
When I read this article, it was like you had reached inside my brain and put my frustrations into words. I am up again early this morning because of an incident at work yesterday that upset me at the moment, but then stuck with me and I can’t let go. The problem with these situations is that I can see my family dynamics playing out over and over again in my work relationships, and if I am really honest, almost every relationship I’ve encountered.
I try hard to stop the inevitable, but I find myself being placed in the role of the outcast and realized last night that after working at a place for 15 months, I had not one person there I could trust. The few times that I have tried to confide in someone, it truly has come back to bite me! I have worked at places that I have had close friends at, but with so many women in the workplace, I have experienced the manipulating and undermining to pull themselves ahead.
I am tired of the sleepless nights, and really tired of feeling that I need to be in self preservation mode constantly at work. Am I crazy or does anyone else understand what I am saying??
[…] Wife presents Stop Reliving the Past. Another aspect of healing is to be in the bliss, and not dwell on negativity. This article is a […]
[…] Wife presents Stop Reliving the Past posted at Semi-Charmed […]
I used to have issues with this, constantly going over and over an issue. From time to time it happens again. The best thing I did for myself was to say, “I cannot change the other person, but I can change myself.” If for instance, I was in an argument with a friend and there wasn’t anything I could do to get a point or situation across, I had to realize the person won’t change, the situation won’t change, but MY reaction COULD change. I guess it becomes a level of acceptance towards others but keeping “thine own self be true.”
I used to go through this long time back. Realising what it was costing me was a huge trigger to find ways that work for me.
Some that worked are :
* Focussing on some other task so much that everything else fades away.
* Believing that mulling over and getting sad is simply not worth it.
* Having a huge list of things that make me happy on hand. Whenever I caught myself going down, I would apply all those activities.
* I have also written about using words to change the way you feel at http://foodformind.wordpress.com/2008/04/07/how-do-your-words-make-you-feel/
[…] done is done. Truer words were never spoken. I’ve written before about my tendency to relive the past over and over again, replaying my mistakes and faux pas on a constant loop in my imagination. […]
[…] topic of the day is forgiveness. In a previous post, I talked about my tendency to obsessively relive the past. Unfortunately, I don’t tend to […]
[…] but it takes a lot of work to change them. One method I’ve used with some success (and written about before) is affirmations. The way it works is that you write a positive affirmation to counteract each […]