Today’s post about how self-esteem impacts our relationships comes to us courtesy of VeryBadCat. She’s been featured before on this site, and is one of my daily must-reads. Her honesty, sense of humor, and insight never cease to amaze me. Now, without further ado…

I always used to get so angry when I heard someone say that you have to love yourself first before you can truly love another. Despite my issues, I’ve always thought I was loyal, loving, and devoted. I found it insulting that someone would say that I couldn’t love others just because I didn’t love myself. I think it made me so angry because deep down, I knew it was true.

My husband served as a constant source of comfort and reassurance for me. My mood and attitude hinged on his approval of me. So, not only could he never, ever criticize me without totally crushing me emotionally (and of course, he had to clean that up too), he was in trouble if he merely didn’t meet my quota of compliments and expressions of affection.

I had an inherent mistrust of his love for me. It wasn’t that I thought he was some kind of monster, I just couldn’t really believe that he loved me. Why would he love me? I didn’t believe I was worth of love, so how could someone love me, especially as much as he claimed to. He finally told me in our second year of marriage that if I didn’t stop accusing him of not caring about me or not loving me, he was going to leave me. It was too hurtful, exhausting, and insulting to be constantly accused of not loving the woman he chose to spend his life with.

He was my security blanket. Life was, back then, a constant struggle for survival. I didn’t believe I deserved anything I had, so I was always waiting for my boss, my friends, my family, my husband- everyone around me- to figure out what a worthless fraud I was. I had no confidence in my ability to navigate in the world. I wouldn’t go outside of a very small comfort zone without him there to protect and support me. This meant that not only did he have to spend an inordinate amount of time helping me cope with adult life, but I was threatened by anything he did that took him away from me for too long or at the wrong time. Too add further insult, it had nothing to do with wanting his company and everything to do with avoiding my fears.

I entered therapy two or three years ago (for the third or fourth time), and slowly but surely, I’ve resolved my self esteem issues. He took a job last fall that kept him out of the house and completely out of contact for eight days at a time. The first few times he left, the slightest crisis that he normally would have handled left me a rumpled, crying mess. I literally lay on the floor and cried. Then, something magical happened. I remembered that I am 28 years old. I remembered everything I’ve been through and everything I accomplished, and I suddenly felt very silly for my three year old tantrums. I picked myself up off the floor, resolved the crisis, and moved on.

Once I found my confidence, I couldn’t turn it off if I wanted to. I believe that I would have a few times. See, my husband was used to his sweet but insecure wife. It’s hard for him now to adjust to my new perspective. We’re dealing with things that we never had to negotiate- my wanting to take out of town trips without him, going drinking and dancing with my girlfriends, even being willing to sit at home with the dog while he fishes. All of the roles and boundaries, the norms and expectations, are all different. That’s hard for him, because he wasn’t the one who experienced this massive shift in perspective. He’s a little unsure of himself in the marriage now, because he has some fear that now that I’m confident in myself, that he won’t be good enough for me anymore.

… which, really, is not insulting. Now that I can stop worrying about myself for 3-4 seconds, I am noticing that he has some self-esteem issues which is probably why he put up with my crap for so long. That worries me, because I know all too well that you can’t truly love someone until they love themselves. Lucky for us both, he’s built some serious goodwill and a very deep bond with me, by helping me when I couldn’t help myself. Here’s to hoping it’s his turn to blossom.

This is what I wore to work today.

I really like wearing red–makes me feel more energetic! And here’s a close-up of my new black flats.

I’m really picky about flat shoes, but I loved these. Hooray for patent leather!

Oh, Internet… I had big plans for today. I was supposed to go to a Nationals game with my husband, his sister, and my brother-in-law (my sister’s husband). It was going to be my first trip to the new stadium. But alas, it was not to be.

Immediately upon getting home from work to get ready for the game, I threw up. Twice. After twenty minutes, I still felt shaky and my stomach was churning. Not a good time to be 200 yards from a bathroom. I sent my hubby on to the game, and I’m staying home to recover and catch up on the two episodes of Battlestar Galactica that I’ve missed while out of town the past two weekends. (Yes, I love BSG. I’m married to a computer guy. It was in the vows.)

Here’s my picture for the day:

There I was, relaxing in the recliner with a bellyful of Pepto Bismol, when all of a sudden, 16 pounds of sympathetic feline planted itself in my lap.

Meet Bad Cat (yes, that is his real name). He has a perverse addiction to ponytail holders. He pulls them out of my hair when I’m sleeping, attempts to chew them off my wrist if I happen to have one on standby, and hoards them under the couch. He also loves to be covered up with a blanket. He eats feathers whenever he can get a hold of them. He is terrified of my niece and wails whenever she cries. And he’s an emotional eater. Yes, Bad Cat is a mystery, wrapped in an enigma, wrapped in bacon.

Today’s post is from the lovely and brilliant Leah O’Leary of Free to Be Family. Leah was featured in a previous post on how you can use coaching to improve your life. She’s back today with a post about how our perceptions of what others think of us can affect our self-esteem. I had never thought about this issue in the way Leah discusses it until now. Her advice is, as always, insightful and right on target!

And now, I’ll turn this post over to Leah:

For the first few years of dating my husband, I struggled with being accepted by his family almost weekly.  My husband is the oldest of eight children, most of who are married or in long term relationships, and they all live within 20 miles of us.  The feeling of judgment was always palpable for me at family functions.  I constantly had this icky feeling that they didn’t like me for some reason.

I pressured myself to fit in, to do things their way, to be someone they would like.  Nothing ever seemed to improve.  On the surface, everything always seemed fine, but I knew the gossip current running beneath every conversation.  I knew that I would be talked about later for some snippet they would decide to read into.  I knew that I wasn’t being invited to things that his sisters and mother were doing together.  I knew that I just didn’t belong.  I agonized over these feelings of inadequacy much too often.  My husband couldn’t ever see why it bothered me so much that his sisters didn’t seem to like me.  He never stopped to care whether or not they liked him.

Well, it bothered me because I am a woman with self-esteem issues.  I want, rather need, everyone to like me.  I’m a nice person, darn it!  I care about people, I care about family, and I want to be part of this family!  Why can’t they see that and like me for who I am?  Why can’t they just let me in?  

Finally, a few things came together to help me get me out of my cyclical toxic thoughts and actions.  First, I became very close friends with another outlaw sister-in-law.  She had been in the family longer than I had, so she was able to share her experience to let me know that I was not alone in this alienation.  Second, I started listening.  I listened to my husband, I listened to the family talk, really listened to what they were saying and about whom, and I started listening to my own brain when things didn’t quite add up.

“Wait a second,” I thought, “I don’t always like them, either!” 

It took long enough to get to this, probably not until after we were engaged, but it was a way of thinking that saved my emotional health in respect to my husband’s family.  Why was I expending so much time and energy focusing on whether or not they like and accept me, when I’m not always sure I like and accept them?  If they liked me the way I wanted them to, would that make me more like them?  I didn’t want to be like them; they can be mean and catty, they gossip, and they judge before they have all the information.  Nope.  I think I’ll stick with being me: a nice person who tries to get along with and see the good in everyone, even those who are not always so nice.

Here are some things to ask when you find yourself in this tough situation:

1. Have I ever done anything that makes me deserve this person not liking me?
If you have wronged this person in any way, it may be important to first make amends, and make sure that the situation is completely resolved.  It might be as simple as a miscommunication issue.  If the answer is no, move on to number 2.

2. Is this person’s non-acceptance of me about me, or about her?
The majority of the time, I have found it to be true that when a person who doesn’t know you very well doesn’t like you, her issue has more to do with her than it does with you.  You may bring out her insecurities or jealousies in some way, or you might inadvertently pose as some sort of competition to her.  In any case, try not to take it personally.  Continue to be nice, and never allow yourself to get sucked into any sort of confrontation with her, as that will only serve to confirm her made up judgments of who you really are.

3. How do I feel about this person?
If you are spending so much time trying to get someone to accept you, it’s important to take a moment to make sure she is worth all of this energy.  Most likely, she’s not.  If she was, she would like you on merit from the very beginning.  It’s possible that you just aren’t compatible with this person.  If you can get along with her on the surface and stop yourself from thinking about what she might be saying about you later, you will cut your energy expenditures on this person by more than half.

4. How will this person’s acceptance serve me?
Have you ever noticed how much time and energy you spend trying to get people to like you just for the sake of getting them to like you?  How could you redirect that energy into the relationships that you know are solid or building already?  Shoot for quality over quantity, and you will experience fulfilling relationships with people who like you for who you are.  You will even stop noticing those who don’t like you, because your need for them to like you will fade in the brightness of those who already do.

Remember to trust yourself when you are faced with this situation.  Learn to accept that the people who do not like you for who you are are missing out on all the greatness you have to offer.  Share your greatness with those who deserve you most.

Want to contact Leah for a coaching session? Send her an email! 

Did you enjoy this article? Digg it!

For my 101 things project, I need to take a picture a day for one month. I decided to use this opportunity to document the last month of my 20s. That’s right–this is the first day of the last month of my 29th year. I’m taking deep breaths…

This is me “helping” my husband with dinner. That’s right, I fake stirred the pasta sauce for this picture. Don’t hate me.

I almost didn’t post this photo. Ever since I had the reconstruction after my masectomy (I um… upgraded from an A to a C–I figured if I had to have a masectomy, I might as well get something out of it!), I’m really self-conscious about my chest. I feel like having bigger… assets makes me look chubby in the midsection. I know, I know.

But it’s self-esteem week, and I’m going to embrace the positive! I look happy, I have nice arms, and we wound up having a great dinner!