Anyone who reads this site regularly knows that I’ve been having what’s technically referred to as “a hell of a time” at work. My job has repeatedly driven me to the brink over the past several months. I would have sworn to you yesterday that there was no hope of redeeming the situation. But I had a personal breakthrough this morning–I simply can’t put into words how much my outlook, attitude, and emotional state have improved. What happened? Well, it went something like this…

I got real. The reality is that I choose to do this job. No one has the power to force me to stay, and I can walk away from it at any time. Yes, it’s been miserable, but I must be getting something out of it or I wouldn’t do it. In this case, what I’m getting is money/financial freedom, health insurance, interaction with my colleagues (whom I love), and well… the challenge. I was acting like a victim–oh poor pitiful me, abused and mistreated by evil agents of my client! Why oh why must life be so cruel? That’s just B.S. I’m not a victim; I’m a willing participant. This realization made me feel much more empowered to change the situation.

I played make-believe. I took a hard look at what I believed to be true about my job. (1) My job makes me miserable. (2) The only way for me not to be miserable is to quit. (3) I can’t stop working right now because we need my income. (4) I can’t change jobs right now because we might be moving. I wrote those statements down and looked at them for a while. It occurred to me that there’s no objective truth there. These things are only true if I believe they’re true.

So I decided to make a new set of beliefs. (1) My job is challenging. (2) I can ask for help with those challenges. (3) I enjoy the benefits of my job. (4) I can make this work. So I talked to my supervisor. Now, I’ve complained to him many times before about how horrible things are, but this time, I did something different. I proposed a solution–what if the client assigned someone to work with me part-time? That person could manage the part of the job that is most frustrating to me, and I’ll do the rest. One phone call and five minutes later, I had a partner. It’s so mind-bogglingly simple that I can’t believe I didn’t think of it sooner.

I got positive. That simple step–assigning someone to work with me–was enough to improve my outlook dramatically. This person hasn’t actually started working with me yet, but the mental relief of knowing help was on the way was immense. I began to see how negative I’d become about my job. I was missing the good things that were happening around me all the time–the thank you emails I received from my clients, the sense of satisfaction when I achieved a goal after a long battle, the positive recognition from my supervisor and colleagues. I didn’t register any of it. All I saw and felt was frustration, anger, and misery. That was (and realizing this was kind of a blow) entirely my choice. That realization was like a ray of sunlight breaking through the clouds. I don’t have to experience misery and frustration any more. I can choose to experience something else!

Since then, I’ve been on Cloud Nine. Yes, my job is hard. Yes, I’m busy. Yes, things don’t always go perfectly. But I have the power to change this situation, and more importantly, change my experience of this situation any time I want.

Let’s hear it for personal breakthroughs!

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Do you check your horoscope regularly, even if you do it just for fun? Have you ever found that, when your horoscope highlights something as a possibility, you look for it and usually find it? For instance, here’s my horoscope for yesterday from a popular free daily service:

Your key planet Mercury is stressed by authoritative Saturn now, and this can be depressing. It’s hard to be lighthearted when you have so much on your mind. Naturally you want to be youthful and enthusiastic, yet currently you tend to feel older than you are. Don’t get discouraged; you can learn anything if you apply yourself.

Ugh. Not so hot, right? My key planet is stressed, I’m depressed, and I feel old. Yikes. This is the last thing I need to hear given my current job woes and high level of frustration. Even though I consider horoscopes to be a harmless diversion rather than a serious pursuit, I have to admit that this horoscope had a negative impact on my state of mind–which is already pretty grim.

Then don’t read your horoscope, you might say. Good, logical advice. But what if instead of reading a horoscope, I wrote my own? Not in the sense of looking at charts and planets and angles and all the other technical stuff that goes into horoscopes–what if I just created a horoscope that “predicts” the kind of day I want to have? It could be an effective and fun tool for programming my mind to look for and experience good things all day.

For all my fellow Geminis out there, here’s our horoscope for today:

Lucky you! Today, Venus is blessing you with relaxation and romance. Expect a pleasant surprise from a loved one this afternoon. Meanwhile, virile Mars is giving your energy and stamina a boost–today’s workout should be a breeze! The moon in Leo inspires a lust for life and drives you to be your best. Your mood today could best be described as playful.

OK, all you other signs–what does your horoscope say?

As I’ve been struggling with a poisonous and emotionally draining work situation, several people close to me have advised me to “let it go”, to detach my identity and emotions from the job. I’ve always taken a great deal of personal pride in my work, so it’s difficult for me to fathom detaching myself from a job that monopolizes nine hours of every weekday. However, the stress and frustration are taking a toll on my marriage, my health, and my sanity, so I’m willing to try just about anything.

The Problem. I don’t know how to do something halfway–I’m always either 100% on or 100% off. Hot or cold. Black or white. I tend to gravitate toward extremes. One example is my relationship with running. I’ve tried training for three marathons now, and I’ve injured myself every single time due to overtraining. I start out with the best intentions–I’m going to follow the training program to the tee. Then I start to get ambitious. Why not add in an extra hill workout? Why not do some speed drills instead of resting the day after my long run? Running begins to become who I am–therefore, I need to be the best, the fastest, the most driven, the hardest working, the most determined. I push myself until I physically crash, and then I go into a long period of inactivity (such as the one I’m in now).

The same thing is happening with my job. It’s become a big part of my identity. I make progress at work = I am a good and valuable person. I “fail” at work = I am a bad and worthless person. I’ve become so emotionally invested in what I’m doing that I’m constantly pushing myself in a situation where (due to circumstances completely beyond my control) my efforts cannot make a difference–yeah, a big crash is coming if I don’t make some changes.

The Solution. Detachment. Detachment means allowing a situation to be what it is and holding oneself back from “fixing” it. It means disengaging from an unhealthy environment and accepting that you cannot control every (or possibly any) outcome. It means observing rather than experiencing. It means putting things into perspective. Honestly, will I care about the outcome of one of my projects in ten years? Will it matter in my life? No.

How to Develop Detachment.

1. Identify the reasons that your relationship with a person or situation is unhealthy. I am carrying around guilt, anger, and frustration about my job all the time. It’s negatively affecting my health (diet, exercise, sleep, stress) and my marriage. That is completely unacceptable.
2. Identify the irrational beliefs that keep you enmeshed in the situation. My current beliefs are that (1) my value as a person is determined by how hard I try at work and how well I do my job; (2) if I take a step back, everything will fall apart and I will cause a huge catastrophe; (3) being detached means not caring about my work and I can’t do that; and (4) my suffering is not as important as getting the job done.
3. Replace your irrational thoughts with rational beliefs. OK, so… I am a good person no matter what happens at work. Work is what I do, not who I am. I am much more than my job. I am not personally responsible for ensuring that my agency functions effectively. My work is important, but it is not the sole deciding factor between success and failure. Detachment from my job doesn’t mean that I don’t care. It means that I am unwilling to accept personal responsibility for events beyond my control. Suffering does not mean that I am more noble or a better worker. It means that I am in an unhealthy place. Detachment will allow me the mental and emotional space to achieve balance in my life.
4. Accept that the only thing you can change is YOU. I can’t control the actions of anyone else. I can’t force my agency to be more effective or more functional. I am not in control of this situation. The only things I can control are my behavior and my reactions. 
5. Practice letting go and set boundaries. I need to do my best and forget about the rest. I have to release my old expectations that my hard work will “fix” my agency - it won’t. I need to leave work AT WORK. Once I leave the office, I should minimize the time and attention I give to my job. That means no obsessive email checking or rehashing of the day. 
6. Reduce the attention you give to unhealthy situations. Instead of coming home and complaining for an hour, wallowing in my misery and focusing on every bad thing that happened that day, I should engage in healthy and fun activities. If I fill my life with good things, there will be less mental/emotional room for the negatives.

Are there situations or people in your life from which you need to detach? How do you practice healthy detachment?

(One of my 101 things )

Today, I’m grateful that:

1. I stuck with my gratitude journal all week–it made me feel great and I got to cross an item off my list.
2. I know what I want to do with my life and I’m working toward it.
3. My husband and I are planning to move to New York City. It’s such an amazing city, and I can’t wait to call it home!
4. I started this website. I’ve learned so much and met some amazing people!
5. I’m closer now than I’ve ever been to truly living my purpose. What a wonderful gift!

What are you grateful for?

(One of my 101 things )

Today, I’m grateful that:

1. I was born in America. We have a lot to be thankful for–from the clean water that comes out of our taps to the freedom to criticize our government. We have so much more than most of the people on earth and we tend to take it for granted.
2. I get to go out to dinner and dancing with my friends tonight. Welcome home, Florence!
3. I have so many old friends in the area–there are five people I’ve known for six years, and more I’ve known for three or four. It’s awesome!
4. My parents are so supportive of my writing. They’re always encouraging me to keep going.
5. Winter is almost over!!

What are you grateful for?