Today’s post is brought to you by the letter “T”–that’s right, the virtue of the day is Temperance. Sounds like a fun one, doesn’t it? Two things came to mind when I started writing this post: 1) Temperance Brennan, the main character of Bones, and 2) the Temperance Movement, which attempted to prohibit the production of alcohol and greatly reduce its consumption. (Yeah. That didn’t work so well.) The temperance we’re talking about, however, is neither a fictional forensic anthropologist nor Prohibition. We’re talking about moderation.

I found two definitions of temperance that I thought were appropriate: 1) moderation or self-restraint in action, statement, etc., self-control; and 2) habitual moderation in the indulgence of a natural appetite or passion. Temperance, then, is all about achieving balance in your life. It’s not about denying your appetites or passions, it’s about indulging them wisely. Of all the virtues we’ll explore, temperance is the one I personally struggle with the most. I’m a creature of extremes–on or off, hot or cold, wrong or right, black or white. Temperance is all about finding a nice healthy shade of grey.

How can we exercise temperance in our lives? Here are few points to consider:

• Self-control: Ah, if only there were a Spanx-type substitute for self-control, a control-top pantyhose for the willpower. Sadly, no such product exists so we’re left to struggle with our appetites on our own. I’m working to develop more self-control, but it’s so hard. My wily brain can always come up with an excuse to justify self-gratification. When I’m trying to cut down on empty calories, it’s “You had a hard day at work–you deserve a glass of wine!” When I’m contemplating having a second piece of birthday cake, it’s “Go ahead–it’s a special occasion!” I can come up with a million “reasons” to talk myself out of exercising self-control. I’m going to try keeping a self-control journal wherein I’ll track my successes (e.g., “Today I wanted to skip my run because it was cold, but I went anyway). I’ll be sure to let you know if it’s helpful.
• Discipline: Discipline requires self-control, but there’s more to it than that. A few definitions–training to act in accordance with rules; a regimen that develops or improves a skill; behavior in accordance with rules of conduct. So discipline not only requires self-control, but also training (i.e., repitition) and rules. For example, I’d like to be a competitive 10k runner. Exercising discipline would mean that I’d develop a regimen of running (training) that I would follow carefully (rules) every single day, even when I didn’t feel like it (self-control). Discipline is part of what would keep me from getting excited and over-training to the point of injury.
• Moderation: “Everything in moderation.” That was one of my grandfather’s favorite sayings. I think it’s especially relevant for women today. There’s so much pressure to push yourself to extremes. Don’t just eat healthy, be a vegetarian! Don’t just be a vegetarian, be a vegan! Don’t just be a vegan, be a raw foodist! The truth is (and hold on to your knickers here, internet) that nobody ever died of bacon. Chocolate cake has claimed no victims. Even habits that are considered inherently unhealthy (e.g., smoking) aren’t in and of themselves deadly. No, what kills us is our extremes. We don’t have bacon a few times a month, we have it for breakfast EVERY SINGLE DAY. We don’t have a nightly glass of wine, we abstain all week and then binge drink like maniacs on the weekends. We as a people are stricken with a myriad of addictions. Being a hot-or-cold kind of girl, moderation is incredibly difficult for me (I mean, seriously–who has ONE cookie?), but moderation is the key to a healthy, happy life.   
• Balance: Here’s another old chestnut for you–”All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.” If you work too much, your family life will suffer. If you spend all your time with your family, you’ll lose your friendships. If you focus solely on your friends, you could hurt your marriage. Balance isn’t something you achieve and then you’re done with it, it’s something you have to make a conscious effort at every day. It’s trying to keep all those balls in the air while you’re riding around on the wobbly unicycle that is your life. It’s knowing when to say “no”, when to rest, when to let your hair down, and when to put your nose to the grindstone.

How do you practice temperance in your life? Do you have any suggestions for those of us who, like me, struggle with self-control and moderation?

Check out the forum for this week’s goals–I’m going with a Temperance theme! Anyone care to join me?

Thanks to Very Bad Cat for my very first blog award, “E is for Excellent”!

HOORAY!! I’m told that I should nominate ten more people for the award and share the love. My selections are (drum roll, please):

1. Sister Sassy at Sisters of a Different Order
2. Zandria (though I’m sure she must have received this award and a million others by now!)
3. The Belle of the Blog
4. Janet at Love is Blonde
5. Jane the Sane
6. Charlotte at Word Strumpet
7. Shamelessly Sassy
8. JJ at Nature Shows
9. MizFit at MizFit Online
10. Wendy at Wendy and Jason Go to Hawaii

At some point during the Lenten season, I encountered an article about the seven virtues (chastity, temperance, charity, diligence, patience, kindness, and humility), which are for Catholics the counterparts of the seven deadly sins (lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy, and pride). I thought it would be interesting to do a series of articles exploring what, if any, relevance those virtues have for modern women and how they might be integrated into one’ s life from a personal development perspective. I’m beginning the series with the virtue that seems the most difficult to translate into modern terms: chastity.

The word chastity conjures (at least for me) images of a medieval woman wearing some kind of iron undergarment.

Yikes. Talk about uncomfortable.

For those who grew up in an organized religion, the word may be associated with feelings of guilt and shame about healthy sexual behavior. Chastity may be associated with sexual abstinence or the religious practice of celibacy. I must admit that I was surprised to learn that chastity (in the non-religious context) means “morality with respect to sexual relations.” Now that seems more like something that could apply to modern life.

What does chastity mean for those of us who aren’t nuns or medieval maidens? How can we have “morality with respect to sexual relations” and still have healthy, vibrant, and fun sex lives?

• Be honest. We’ve seen a spate of prominent politicians engaged in sexual escapades in recent years. Governor Elliot Spitzer spent $80,000 on prostitutes–this from a man who once broke up a call girl ring as New York’s attorney general. Senator Larry Craig’s “wide stance” had him defending his sexuality once again. The anger, betrayal, and hurt created by these situations stems from hypocrisy and dishonesty. We have a responsibility to ourselves, to our loved ones, and to the people we bring into our sex lives to be honest. Lying to and cheating on a partner is just… wrong. If you want out of a relationship, get out, but don’t deceive your spouse just to get your kicks.
• Respect yourself. Have you seen those ads for Girls Gone Wild (link is a great article about the phenomenon–not the actual videos)? TV cameras roll into popular destinations during spring break and capture wasted co-eds doing anything and everything for the camera. I’ve seen late-night commercials that showed girls being goaded into disrobing, fondling each other, and performing sex acts. Are they being exploited? Maybe. But the bigger problem is that they believe their sexuality is their only marketable asset. Many of these girls believe that appearing on a GGW video could be their ticket to fame and fortune. C’mon, ladies–don’t do this! It’s what’s between your ears, not what’s between your legs, that will be your ticket to success.
• Respect your partner. First and foremost, your partner should give (and legally be able to give) consent–this means that he or she is an adult, is conscious, and is not completely intoxicated. (I wouldn’t have thought this would be as much of an issue for women until Mary Kay Latourneau’s affair with a 13-year old boy highlighted the fact that females are just as capable of sexual misconduct as males are.) It also means that we should respect and honor our partner’s choices. My husband has a friend whose wife unilaterally decided to stop taking birth control, knowing all the while that her husband had never wanted children. So not cool.
• Protect your health. This one’s easy. Use condoms every time and, if you don’t want a baby, birth control. Get tested and take charge of your reproductive health.

Can you think of other ways that chastity might be relevant today? How do you explain this virtue to your children?

Be sure to tune in tomorrow for Temperance…

No, not rights–rites, as in rituals. Many of us have celebrated religious rituals for significant points in our lives (e.g., baptism, marriage, funerals, Confirmation, the bar/bat mitzvah). Non-religious rituals are fairly common too (e.g., a debutante’s “coming out”, celebrating a 21st birthday), but some milestones (e.g., births, coming of age) may not have a specific ritual if you don’t practice a religion or spiritual path. Whether we’re religious or not, many of us don’t seem to integrate rituals into our day-to-day existence, and that’s a shame. Rituals are an excellent way to communicate with our subconscious minds in the language they understand–symbolism.

Riding the high of my breakthrough earlier this week, I decided to perform a ritual yesterday for the first day of spring. It felt to me like the start of a new year, and I wanted to do something to commemorate it. The first thing I did was clean the house top to bottom–that’s right, spring cleaning. I wanted to capture the feeling of having a clean slate, and it felt like the right thing to do. Then, in the spirit of “spring planting”, I decided to plant some seeds. I picked a few things I’d like to accomplish over the next year and planted a seed for each one. Now, every time I see those plants, I’ll be reminded of what I’m working toward.

Cleaning the house and planting some seeds may not seem like much of a ritual. (Perhaps if I threw in a special robe, some incense, and an incantation or two?) A ritual doesn’t have to be elaborate or mystical or religious–it just needs to be intentional, as in done on purpose and charged with your specific intentions.

In addition to the first day of spring, you could take this approach with any holiday, special occasion, or natural/seasonal cycle and develop unique personal rituals for you and your loved ones. For example, instead of going out on Valentine’s Day, my husband always cooks a special meal for me. It’s a lovely ritual experience that I look forward to all year. And I’ve always loved the ritual of the Yule log, and I look forward to incorporating that into our Christmas celebration (as soon as we’re not living in a condo with no fireplace!). I’ve also been thinking a lot about what to do for my birthday–I’ll be turning 30 on May 28. Any suggestions for me? Do you have any unique seasonal or holiday rituals to share?

Here are some examples of other types rituals that could easily be incorporated your life whether you’re religious or not:

• This one should be pretty familiar to most of us from movies. Plagued by thoughts of an old boyfriend? Gather your photos and letters and mementos and burn them. It’s a visual and tangible way of releasing those feelings as the smoke spirals skyward.
• Take a moment or two to give thanks before you eat (whom you thank is up to you–Jesus, Allah, the farmer who grew the food, the person who cooked for you).
• When you get out of bed in the morning, take a moment and take three deep breaths. With each breath, focus on something you’d like to accomplish or embody that day and “breathe it in.”
• Just recovered from a long illness? Flush your no-longer-needed medication down the toilet and imagine the sickness and pain being washed away along with it. I did this after a hospital stay last year and it was really empowering!
• Every Sunday morning, have breakfast in bed with your partner.
• Are you a struggling writer like me? Try lighting a candle every time you sit down to write. Imagine that you’re kindling the fires of your creativity.
• After a stressful day at work, treat yourself to a ritual bath or shower. Light candles. Play soothing music. Relax and imagine the water soaking or rinsing your troubles away.

What everyday rituals do you practice (or would you like to practice)?

It may be cold and windy here in our Nation’s capital, but I feel like spring is already here. I’m an annoyingly perky little ray of sunshine!! Seriously. I am SO. FREAKIN’. HAPPY. I’m still busy at work and it’s still occasionally frustrating, but I don’t think English has a word for how GREAT I feel. If I could bottle this experience and sell it, I would be one very wealthy (and again, HAPPY) woman.

Things I have done so far today:

• Talk to my boss about which parts of my portfolio will go to the person the client will have working with me.
• Ask for a raise.
• Ask to leave an hour early.

That’s right, Internet. In the span of an 8-hour workday, I asked for (and got) less work, more money, and time off. It’s been a long time coming!

Wow. Happiness makes me BOLD.

Things I have to look forward to:

• Dinner with my husband tonight at the restaurant he took me to before he proposed.
• My niece’s first birthday on Saturday.
• Dinner with the girls on Tuesday.

And here are some things that make me smile…

This is me after the Marine Corps Mud Run a few years ago. So. Much. Fun.

This is my wedding cake, which I had made to look like a stack of Christmas presents (because I got married in December and I am an absolute Christmas FIEND):

See–I even made my dad dress up like Santa Claus when he walked me down the aisle:

And my wedding was THE MOST fun! My friends even danced on chairs (faces blurred to protect the privacy of the innocent):

Last, but certainly not least, my niece (who’s named Jennifer after me–we call her Jenna). I can’t believe she’ll be a whole year old on Saturday!!

What’s making you smile today?