Mar 17 2008
Practicing Detachment
As I’ve been struggling with a poisonous and emotionally draining work situation, several people close to me have advised me to “let it go”, to detach my identity and emotions from the job. I’ve always taken a great deal of personal pride in my work, so it’s difficult for me to fathom detaching myself from a job that monopolizes nine hours of every weekday. However, the stress and frustration are taking a toll on my marriage, my health, and my sanity, so I’m willing to try just about anything.
The Problem. I don’t know how to do something halfway–I’m always either 100% on or 100% off. Hot or cold. Black or white. I tend to gravitate toward extremes. One example is my relationship with running. I’ve tried training for three marathons now, and I’ve injured myself every single time due to overtraining. I start out with the best intentions–I’m going to follow the training program to the tee. Then I start to get ambitious. Why not add in an extra hill workout? Why not do some speed drills instead of resting the day after my long run? Running begins to become who I am–therefore, I need to be the best, the fastest, the most driven, the hardest working, the most determined. I push myself until I physically crash, and then I go into a long period of inactivity (such as the one I’m in now).
The same thing is happening with my job. It’s become a big part of my identity. I make progress at work = I am a good and valuable person. I “fail” at work = I am a bad and worthless person. I’ve become so emotionally invested in what I’m doing that I’m constantly pushing myself in a situation where (due to circumstances completely beyond my control) my efforts cannot make a difference–yeah, a big crash is coming if I don’t make some changes.
The Solution. Detachment. Detachment means allowing a situation to be what it is and holding oneself back from “fixing” it. It means disengaging from an unhealthy environment and accepting that you cannot control every (or possibly any) outcome. It means observing rather than experiencing. It means putting things into perspective. Honestly, will I care about the outcome of one of my projects in ten years? Will it matter in my life? No.
How to Develop Detachment.
- Identify the reasons that your relationship with a person or situation is unhealthy. I am carrying around guilt, anger, and frustration about my job all the time. It’s negatively affecting my health (diet, exercise, sleep, stress) and my marriage. That is completely unacceptable.
- Identify the irrational beliefs that keep you enmeshed in the situation. My current beliefs are that (1) my value as a person is determined by how hard I try at work and how well I do my job; (2) if I take a step back, everything will fall apart and I will cause a huge catastrophe; (3) being detached means not caring about my work and I can’t do that; and (4) my suffering is not as important as getting the job done.
- Replace your irrational thoughts with rational beliefs. OK, so… I am a good person no matter what happens at work. Work is what I do, not who I am. I am much more than my job. I am not personally responsible for ensuring that my agency functions effectively. My work is important, but it is not the sole deciding factor between success and failure. Detachment from my job doesn’t mean that I don’t care. It means that I am unwilling to accept personal responsibility for events beyond my control. Suffering does not mean that I am more noble or a better worker. It means that I am in an unhealthy place. Detachment will allow me the mental and emotional space to achieve balance in my life.
- Accept that the only thing you can change is YOU. I can’t control the actions of anyone else. I can’t force my agency to be more effective or more functional. I am not in control of this situation. The only things I can control are my behavior and my reactions.Â
- Practice letting go and set boundaries. I need to do my best and forget about the rest. I have to release my old expectations that my hard work will “fix” my agency - it won’t. I need to leave work AT WORK. Once I leave the office, I should minimize the time and attention I give to my job. That means no obsessive email checking or rehashing of the day.Â
- Reduce the attention you give to unhealthy situations. Instead of coming home and complaining for an hour, wallowing in my misery and focusing on every bad thing that happened that day, I should engage in healthy and fun activities. If I fill my life with good things, there will be less mental/emotional room for the negatives.
Are there situations or people in your life from which you need to detach? How do you practice healthy detachment?
You are well on your way to establishing healthy boundaries with your job. My grandfather (a very successful retired Marine who held jobs at the Pentagon late in his career) shared some career insight with me early on when I was in a toxic work environment. He said the secret to his success was to be a “90-percenter.” Devote all your time, energy and attention to 90% of the most important things at work. The remaining 10% will take care of itself, or you can work around to it in time. If you try to give full attention to all 100% you will fail, and some of that important stuff will suffer for it. It’s hard for us “all or nothing” types to adapt to, but when I put it into practice it was a real relief.
Yeah, um, half my staff hates my guts and wishes me dead and stays up at night plotting my demise.
I tried being respectful. I tried rewards and punishment. I tried rising above.
These bitches take servant leadership to an unholy level.
I’ve given up- I speak to them only about their work, and in as impersonal manner as possible. I don’t think about them when I don’t have to. I don’t care what they think of me, I don’t care what they say about me. I only care about the work itself, and a minimum amount of civility.
It only took three years.
This is so hard. I have to detach from work to a certain point, especially when things aren’t going well. One of the biggest things that helped with this was having a child. It filled up my world so completely and permanently that there isn’t room to obsess. Prior to the kid the best thing for me to do was to escape into a well loved book. I NEVER check my work email at home and on the weekends. I am not paid to work on the weekends and will only do so in the direst of emergencies. I think your strategy is great and I wish you success!
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with detachment, especially in the situation you’re talking about. In ten years, will you care about the hours and hours you put in to such-and-such project? No. This doesn’t mean you won’t do a good job, but it doesn’t have to be your entire life.
What an inspiring entry. Everyone has their own difficulties and I believe that is a cause for a lot of office tension. People misread people and internalize a hurt that may not even existed.
Hugs, JJ
Detachment?! I wish I knew how to practice that. I, like you, tend to personalize work to an extreme that is not always healthy and while this can sometimes drive me to be better at my job, this does also have adverse affects as well. In situations such as this, I find that eventually I reach my limit and get so worn out that I just stop. It becomes so emotionally draining that I cannot do it anymore and my mind just stops caring. It works itself out and the balance goes back to normal, but this is not something that I can readily just say, “ok, today, I am detached and I will not stress over something out of my control.” I wish it was that simple, but it is not for me.
If you find the secret to this … let me know! Good luck!
You have just described the most important advice given to a stepmom when her family life has turned into an “us against her” battle. We call it disengaging, but the same principles apply. It is accepting that one cannot control or change a situation single handedly, and disengaging from that which creates the most conflict. This is a very powerful tool, but I do encourage balance, so as not to fall into total apathy.