Cross posted at BlogHer

I’ve started approximately 374 journals in my life. Not once have I ever filled one from cover to cover. Why? Anyone who’s known me for more than 5 minutes knows that I love writing, so it’s not a distaste for the process. My life over the past few years has certainly been interesting enough to fill a book or two, so it’s not that I have nothing to say. No, my obsessive journal-starting is due to the fact that the first time I misspell a word or write something that isn’t witty and interesting and worth of being immortalized, I throw the journal out and start again. I need it to be perfect.

Perfectionism has held me back from achieving my dreams more than any of my other myriad flaws and challenges. It’s the reason I’ve started three novels (four, if you count the one I’m working on now) and finished none. When I find an inconsistency in the plot or read back over a clumsily written passage, I immediately discard the imperfect book as a worthless waste of my time. Perfectionism is the reason I’ve started and abandoned three blogs. When I read back over what I’ve written, I inevitably deem it “not good enough” (translation: not flawless) and trash the whole website. It’s the reason I’ve started and quit more life transformation efforts (diets, self-improvement projects, workout schedules, etc.) than I could count. Because once I miss a workout or eat a cookie or sleep in instead of getting up early, I’ve “ruined” the whole thing and I may as well quit.

I’m not entirely sure where this attitude comes from, but I suspect that it’s fairly common in women. In my case, I believe it’s related to self-esteem. I feel like I’m not good enough, and every time I make a “mistake”, I reinforce that belief. Perfectionism can also stem from a need to prove yourself. This seems to be common among people who had an abusive parent or spouse. You spend years being put down and abused and mistreated, and you feel a need to demonstrate that you are worthy of love and affection. “If I can just do this exactly right, maybe no one will get mad at me.”

Regardless of where perfectionism comes from, it’s absolutely crippling and it must be stopped. If I keep waiting to write the “perfect” book, I’ll never be a published author. If I quit every time I don’t achieve a goal instead of regrouping and moving forward, I’ll never get what I want out of life. Perfectionism has a slew of negative consequences–guilt, lower self-esteem, shame, pessimism, lack of motivation, paralysis. Overcoming this attitude is critical to leading a happy life. Here are some strategies I’ve been using:

• Don’t look for mistakes. I’ve completely changed my approach to writing. Previously, I could spend days on a paragraph until I got it just right. I felt that I couldn’t move on to the next paragraph until the one I was working on was “perfect.” As you might imagine, this slowed my progress to virtually nothing. Now, my strategy is to get the story down–period. I don’t allow myself to go back and edit what I’ve written, and I won’t until the first draft of the book is completed.
• Keep on keeping on. One of my weekly goals this week is to get up at 5:30. I forgot to set my alarm clock last night and I woke up at 6:00. The old Jen would’ve abandoned the goal and sworn to start again next Monday and do it perfectly. This Jen said, “Oh, well–I’ll get it right tomorrow” and let it go.
• Be kind to yourself. Imagine that your daughter spent hours drawing a picture of you. She brings it to you, excited, and you examine it. The eye color is wrong, the nose is crooked, and the teeth make you look like a woodchuck. Would you berate her for an imperfect drawing? Of course not. You’d appreciate the effort she made and admire her successes (maybe she really nailed your smile). Why should you treat yourself any differently? Suppose your goal is to exercise five days a week and you only make it to four. Congratulate yourself on a job well done and keep striving for your goal.
• Use thought stopping. This technique is excellent–I use it often. Let’s go back to my goal of getting up at 5:30. I didn’t do it today. My standard MO would be to dwell on my “failure” and think about it all day long. You’re so lazy. I can’t believe you didn’t set the alarm. What’s wrong with you? What are you, stupid? Harsh. Well, whenever I notice myself doing this, I think (or say out loud, if no one’s around), STOP! Then I redirect my self-talk to a more loving and accepting tone.

Do you struggle with perfectionism? In what areas? Do you have any strategies for minimizing the negative impact of perfectionism?

By the way, Day One of my second 21-day makeover was a huge success! I met up with Love is Blonde, who happens to live just a few blocks from me, and we went for a 45-minute walk around a park in our neighborhood. Thanks for helping to make my first day a success, J!!

This article was included in the Personal Development Carnival– check it out!

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