ONE THING I KNOW FOR SURE: I WANT TO CHANGE! How vain of me, that I wish to be someone that I’m not - but I know that I have the ability to change & maybe, I’ll be more cheerful and find my happiness. I always look at my best friend, who always has a bright smile on her face - How I wish I can do that (hence, I even stretch my cheek sometimes, forcing myself to smile )-

How does it feel to be truly happy? In my opinion, it’s the feelings that you realize your existence and others. I rarely get those feeling, but nevertheless, I did have those feeling (though usually doesn’t last very long). At that moment, I feel like I’m alive and appreciate my surroundings (the sun, the sky, the grass - everything appears to be colorful, unlike my everyday dulling lifestyle).

My conclusion: I WANT TO EXPERIENCE THAT HAPPINESS MORE! But I must push myself through before I can get to my goal. Surely, there are so many things that I want to do and try in life: Business (Marketing, Finance, Entrepreneur), Economist, Computer, Bio-chem - Pharmacist, Mathematic (Math teacher or researchers), Communicate (Public Speaking, Speech), Fashion Design…etc
All of them are the things that I want to try, but I need to be “specialized.” And each of those choices has its own obstacle & challenges. Rather than worrying about all of those things, I need to take actions and make decision every day. But, I realize, essentially, these questions are what’s holding me back:

1/ I don’t know what I’m passionate about? - Then, I would choose something that will let me be flexible, in case I found my “calling” later on. For this: I decided on business, but I just don’t know which concentration I should head to. * My CRISIS *

2/ Okay, so what if I decide on something that I’m not sure about - but I meet so many challenges on my way. What should I do? Facing the obstacle head on and preserve till the end / or, realize when I should stop?
How do you know when to give up on something that you’re not good at, or have no talent at? Or again, trying to learn more so that you’ll have less insecurities?

3/ I don’t want to sit on a desk, or in front of a computer all day long. I also don’t want to lie, or selling (by using fake and sweet words). BUT I know that I like to help people, give them directions or advise (usually about a product, or a Math problems).
I’m a shy person, don’t have big ambitions or outgoing, afraid to present myself before many people - BUT, I OFTEN FEEL CALMER WHEN I STAND IN FRONT OF PEOPLE AND PRESENT - THOUGH I TEND TO BE TOO ENGROSS IN THE MATTER AND GET CARRIED AWAY.

4/ I’m a last minute type of person - I hate to be rush - but I enjoy the thrill of it. How far can I push myself to? What is the boundary of my limit? How much can be done in a short amount of time? How panic can I get?
The thrill is so high, and intense at a time - so much that I felt like loosing all of my energy (can’t lift my hand), after it’s done (reach the due date). And I often look back at that - regret that I could have done better; or fulfillment.

IN EITHER CASE: I can only say this - for most people who don’t know what they should be doing - like me, that they can follow some of these industries (things hardly go wrong with them):

- Computer, Technologies: for life learning type of people, continue growing and learning through life. Thus, you may quite good salary & catch up with latest trends. Can be a normal programmer to researcher.

- Business / Economic: very flexible, enable you to any kind of jobs. Now, high or low salaries depend on how much efforts you put in. One thing I learn from Business is - I CAN’T BE FOOL EASILY. Business teach you just about everything: from Finance (basically planning for your entire life), to Laws (protect yourself from certain situations)..etc

- Medical: almost always guarantee a stable and high salaries - since we’re all need it. Very challenging subject, but varies every day.

- Last of all, with any degree, you can always go for a teaching credential (after you experienced the world & want to go back to a stable, normal life).

And that leaves me with myself. I have been mired in this issue since I was a teenager-consumed by it. I’ve worked at well over 50 jobs and I can’t say I enjoyed any of them.

I took linguistics uni. because I knew it would be a good way to travel and I didn’t have any idea what to take. So I lived overseas for many years, liking the traveling hating the job (teaching ESL). I’ve been ping-ponging back and forth overseas ever since. I’ve been back this time for 2 and half years and I’ve been living off my savings because I can’t stomach the thought of working at a job I hate. (I did university admin. for a few months and was nauseated by it).

So I went back to school and did journalism. I hated the program and decided journalism is definitely not for me.

I don’t work well with people so I thought I’d try editing at home. That was so-so, but there’s not enough work around to support myself. And talk about b-o-r-i-n-g and completely unfulfilling. So dry I choke on it.

Relationships are great but it doesn’t fill that massive void inside–the void lacking self-worth and self-esteem and self-respect and self-admiration. It’s particularly hard when your partner is completely established and happy in their career.

I find it depressing beyond belief. And the guilt is overwhelming. Here I am living in this first world country and free to do anything. Yet I can’t find that thing to do. I have taken all the tests … the myers briggs (INTP) the enneagram (7) and all those… done the pursuit of happiness, what color is your parachute and seen a string of career counselors that have basically thrown up their hands after having suggested every possible career under the sun.

I think I have too many stipulations. I want status…more than money, I want respect and a title. I’ll die if I have to sit in an office all day. I’ve always wanted to be a ____.
Something impressive, something professional, something I am not ashamed to admit I am (I always cringed when I had to admit I was a teacher). I’ve always wanted to be in the sciences but have not been able to get beyond grade 11 math (although I have 2 degrees). I loved biology, but can’t a science degree without the math. In the past I have had the burning desire to be a doctor, an astronomer, a nurse, a medical writer. a speech pathologist, a marine biologist, a nutritionist, a real estate appraiser, an architect, a medical illustrator, a boat inspector, a professor … the list goes on and on and changes weekly or at least monthly … now I’m on another professor kick … but can’t decide on a masters …

It is frustrating beyond belief and I feel like I am running out of time. It is awful to be around people my age who have been in their careers for 20 years and are thinking about retiring … !

Oh, how I wished I’d just picked any old, very well-paying profession when I was young and just sucked it up and worked my ass off for 20 years and then, THEN, I could just relax and not have to worry about money and perhaps then, I could explore options without feeling the constant terror of ‘how on earth am I going to support myself for the rest of my life.’ It is a horrible and depressing thing that is always the main topic of conversation when I talk to people and I’m sick of it. Sick of thinking about it. Sick. Sick. Sick.

I have no idea what the answer is and even after asking myself all those questions I still don’t know.

I have one to add… (I heard this once, and I’m not sure where.)

What section of the bookstore do I gravitate to?

That is also telling about your interests and hobbies.