I’ve been on an emotional roller-coaster for the past couple of days. At times, I was irritable, weepy, and frustrated. There were also moments when I felt strong, centered, proud of myself, and blissfully happy. (And no, there’s no hormone-related reason for this.) I’d had a terrible week at work, so I was sure that has something to do with it, but it didn’t feel like the whole answer.

I hate feeling like I’m at the mercy of my moods, so I had to figure out what was going on. I kept a log of my emotions from Wednesday until today. This is a great technique for isolating why you’re feeling the way you’re feeling at any given moment. For instance, you might notice that you’re very anxious every time your best friend calls, or that you get a splitting headache when you have a deadline approaching at work. I can’t recommend it enough. All you need to do is make a quick note when you notice a strong emotion, being sure to describe any circumstances or events preceding that moment that could have contributed to the feeling. Don’t look over your results until you’ve completed at least three full days of charting.

Here’s what I noticed:

• It’s very easy for me to let one bad moment (making a mistake at work, snapping at someone, etc.) ruin my mood for an entire day. I noticed that my worst feelings often correlated to me replaying negative events in my head. Over and over and over again.
• If I put off writing until late in the day, I become very angry and frustrated. The more upset I get, the less I want to write.
• If I write in the morning, I’m more focused, centered, and self-confident for the rest of the day.
• Immediately after I finish writing, I’m often overcome with anxiety. I find myself wanting to go back and read over every word I wrote and “fix” it. This is my fear coming out–fear that I’m not good enough to make it as a writer. An hour or so post-writing, these feelings go away and I feel proud of what I’ve written.
• Being alone when I’m feeling anxious or stressed makes me feel worse, even if it’s what I think I want.
• During my workday, I alternate between extremely stressed and profoundly bored.

Maybe these aren’t earth-shattering conclusions, but this exercise opened my eyes to a few areas where I can make changes to improve my life. First, I want to stop replaying bad things over and over in my head. It’s a very unhealthy habit. Second, I need to write in the morning, period. No matter what time I have to get up. Third, I need to address my fears and insecurities about writing. Fourth, rather than isolating myself when I feel bad, I need to seek out human contact–even if it’s just a phone call.

Finally, it is increasingly clear that my job is very unhealthy for me. I made a commitment to my husband that I won’t quit until I’ve paid off certain debts. So what I need to do is find ways to focus on the fact that this is a temporary situation and it won’t be long until I’m free. Free!!!

I’m moving in on the two-week mark of this life makeover, with Day 10 and Day 11 successfully behind me. I’m over halfway to a permanent habit!

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Tags: Goals, Purpose, Writing

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