Jan 26 2008
Assertiveness 101
A colleague of mine, Kristy, has been having issues with a guy in our office. Kristy is a 30-year old, petite, blonde, attractive, PhD-holding scientist, and the guy—Walt—is in his late 50s, is a former military officer, and always wanted a PhD but never got one (methinks there’s more than a little bit of resentment there). Almost every time they’re in meetings together, Walt says something to demean Kristy. His comments are never sexual in nature or clearly over the line. No, they’re always an innocuous-sounding “jokes” that question her intelligence (and she’s one smart lady) and diminish her in front of others.
For example, Walt, Kristy, and a couple of people from work were having lunch with a potential candidate for a position in our office. The candidate was seated so that he couldn’t directly see another of our colleagues, with whom he was attempting to have a conversation. After watching the candidate lean back to see around Kristy, Walt said, “It’s OK—just look into her ear. Her head is pretty much empty, so you’ll be able to see right on through.” Kristy tried to laugh it off, but she was frustrated and offended. This was just the latest in a long line of demeaning comments Walt had made about her in front of others. She felt disrespected. She came to me later to ask what I thought she should do.
Why did she ask me? Because I am the office B*tch (it’s only a bad word if you think it is, and I don’t). Well, not really, but I am known for refusing to take any crap in the workplace and for speaking up when I think something is out of line. I laugh, I joke, I’m fun to work with, but I do not tolerate being talked down to, being the butt of stupid jokes, or being put down by anyone. I work hard, and I expect to be treated well. Like Mama always told me, people will treat you how you let them treat you. You have to draw a line in the sand sometimes in order to get your point across. I’d had to do that with Walt a few weeks after he started working at my company. He hadn’t bothered me since.
My advice to Kristy was this. The next time Walt makes a comment or “joke” like that—especially in front of someone else—she should stop the conversation, make eye contact with him, and calmly say, “If that was intended to be a joke, it wasn’t funny. I don’t appreciate comments like that, and I don’t expect you to make them in the future. Do you understand?” It’s important that she not raise her voice or react emotionally (and for the love of God, don’t cry) because that will open the door for Walt to dismiss her as a hysterical woman. She should speak in a calm, smooth, even tone. Eye contact is important because it communicates that you aren’t intimidated. Ending with “Do you understand?” forces the person to acknowledge that you spoke and answer you. It has worked for me every single time I’ve used it.
Is it an over-the-top response to a bad joke? No. Here’s why. Every time you allow someone else to diminish you in front of others, you are handing them a little bit of your personal power. Over time—and I experienced this in the Navy when I was the only girl in a division of several hundred mechanics—you’ll begin to feel the effects of giving away your power. You feel like what they’re saying is true—maybe you ARE weak, maybe you ARE stupid, maybe you ARE too emotional or too sensitive.
Do not fall into this trap.
In my experience, it’s best to draw a firm line in the sand the VERY FIRST TIME someone says something out of line. They immediately learn that you’re not an easy target, and you’re not going to tolerate their behavior. Nine times out of ten, it will never happen again. I’ve been in some pretty rough work environments, and I’ve never had to file a single complaint or grievance against someone. This is solely due to the fact that I’ve learned how to deal with and stop this type of behavior the second it starts.
What if you’ve already been putting up with the jokes and the comments for a while—for months, or even years? No problem. Just change up the script a little bit: “You know, I’ve been listening to you make comments like that for a while. If they’re intended to be jokes, you should know that they aren’t funny. I don’t expect to hear anything like that again. Do you understand?”
It. Will. Work. Trust me.
If you’d like advice or you’d like to tell me how this tactic worked for you, contact me using Ask Jen. I’d love to hear about your smack-downs!
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So true. This is such a helpful article because many people deal with this sort of behaviour in their work environments and it’s not fair. I can’t believe Walt said that to her in front of someone else - she should definitely say something to him publicly. I’d be interested in hearing how it goes and his reaction.