(Cross-posted at BlogHer)

What do you want to be when you grow up? That’s a powerful question, isn’t it? What do you want to “BE”, not what do you want to DO. Describe the nature/purpose of your existence—God, that’s huge. And we ask this to 2^nd graders? It’s an important question—possibly THE question of your life. So, how would you answer it? (No, not “rich”. That doesn’t count. YOU wouldn’t be rich, you’d just have money. Those are very different things.)

Answering that question is the work of a lifetime. I’m sure it’s a topic I’ll return to over and over and over again. There are many ways to get to the answer, but the same method doesn’t work for everyone. Some people need to approach it through their emotions. They need to search for a purpose/vocation that resonates with them, that makes them feel. Others can approach using logic and reason. They are able to objectively analyze their strengths and weaknesses, and use analytical techniques to reduce the endless world of possibilities to that single, perfect one. There are those who wait for a spiritual awakening—these are the people who talk about feeling called to a certain path. Some lucky few just seem to know from birth what they want to do (like some people can eat whatever they want and not gain weight—annoying).

For the purposes of this article, we’re going to assume that you know the answer. But the thing is, you don’t know how to get from where you are to where you want to be. That’s what we need to figure out. Let’s say you want to be an astronaut—I had to reach for the stars, right? Couldn’t make it too easy!—but you’re currently working as a McDonald’s cashier. Looking at the distance from where you are to where you want to be, it seems absolutely impossible… or is it? How would you even know where to begin?

I’ll tell you. You’d start by doing research. You’d read the biographies of all 300+ astronauts selected by NASA so far. You’d probably learn that most of them hold PhDs in fields like physics or engineering, most were in the military, and most were experienced pilots. (You’d also learn that a few were just regular, average school teachers who entered through the Teacher in Space program, but will stick with the norm for now.) OK. Now you know what you need to do—it’s just a matter of doing it. You could begin by enrolling in college to get your bachelor’s (maybe in an ROTC program so that you could get that coveted military training) and taking classes toward your pilot’s license. You could apply for internships at NASA while you worked toward your PhD.

I know, I know—there are only a handful of American astronauts so why should you, a lowly McDonald’s cashier, be one of them? I say, why shouldn’t you? How do you think those astronauts got where they are? By doing exactly what we discussed.

OK, you say, but did I mention that I’m 57 and have a physical disability? There’s no way that NASA would ever choose me. That’s probably true. So let’s look at this from a different angle: why do you want to be an astronaut? Do you have a special passion for the moon, the sun, the planets, and the stars? You could live that love by being an astronomer (amateur or professional) or a tour guide at your local observatory or museum. Do you adore all things physics—dark matter, wormholes, and strange quarks? You could become a theoretical physicist. Are you fascinated with rockets and spaceships? Why not build them as an aerospace engineer? Maybe you just love the idea of being a pioneer, one of the few humans to ever escape this blue dot and blast off into the great unknown. You might find yourself fulfilled by deep-sea diving, cutting-edge research, or cultural anthropology.

What I’m trying to say is that, no matter what your dream is, there is a way for YOU to live it.

If you’d like help with your own personal McDonald’s-to-astronaut game plan, please visit my Services page or send in a question. Now get out there and LIVE!

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An email from a good friend just opened my eyes to what I really want to do with this website. My friend, like me and many women I know, is in her late 20s and is going through a mild “quarter-life crisis.” She feels unfulfilled in her current job, but the money is good and it’s hard to walk away. Deep down, she knows what she wants to do, but she’s afraid to do it, afraid to commit to it, afraid to say it out loud, afraid to even think about it (again, like me).

There are few things more terrifying than admitting to ourselves what we truly desire. If we don’t name it, we can flounder in the no-man’s land of “I don’t know what I want to do” for as long as we want. We can waste our days working just to pay the bills and never have to face the truth and make hard choices. Isn’t it much easier to plead ignorance? Then, no one—including ourselves—can expect much from us. We can’t fail at our dream job because we’re never going to try. (That’s not to say that I think we should up and quit our current jobs without a plan. I stand by my earlier advice—we’re adults, and we need to be self-sufficient even during periods of intense self-discovery.)

I think this is the real problem that faces most recent college grads—it isn’t that we don’t know what we want to do, it‘s that we won’t admit it to ourselves. You know that nagging, unsatisfied feeling you get when you think about joining the work force? That’s your secret passion whispering in your ear, begging you to speak its name. You know that desperate, trapped feeling you have as you’re getting ready for yet another day in the same, stupid, boring job? That’s your true calling urging you to stop being afraid, quit wasting your time, and take the plunge.

What is that little voice saying to you? What are you being called to do? What would you do with your life if you weren’t afraid?

I’ll go first. I want to write novels full-time. There, I said it. That’s what I want to do. How can I get there from where I am? More on that tomorrow.

I’d love your input on features that would be useful to you in your own personal development journey. Oh, and please send me a message and tell me what your secret dream is—let’s do this!

(Cross-posted at BlogHer)

I’m sure that you’ve all heard of The Secret, the bombshell DVD and book outlining the power of the Law of Attraction. I’m sure you’ve heard a few of the success stories—the man who manifested his dream home, the woman who cured her breast cancer, the couple who became multi-millionaires. And they did all this through the power of visualization, intention, and affirmation.

Well, I’m here to offer you something better than The Secret, a piece of wisdom that could make millions for you, trim your waistline, heal your relationships, and completely change your life.

Are you ready?

Here it is: “What you do gets done.”

This revolutionary little gem has the potential to make all of your dreams come true. Do you want to lose weight? Then DO something. Seek counseling to find out why you’re eating. Consult your physician to check for a medical cause. Modify your diet and increase your exercise. I guarantee you, if you do these things, the pounds will melt away.

Do you want to be a millionaire? Then DO something. Think about the unique skills and abilities you have that other people would pay to utilize. Maybe you’re an amateur inventor. Maybe you’re a great writer. Maybe you’re a wonderful listener. Identify your unique skill. Once you’ve done that, define your target audience, market your product or service, and watch the money roll in. Believe me, in this funny old world, there’s a market for everything from used panties to a friendly ear. Someone somewhere wants what you have and is willing to pay for it.

Visualizing your dream house, directing your every conscious thought toward realizing your goals, reciting affirmations, creating vision boards—these things could help you along the way. They certainly won’t hurt you. But it’s dangerous to think that your thoughts and intentions alone will magically manifest everything you’ve ever wanted without corresponding actions. People love The Secret because it sounds easy—just think really hard about what you want, put some emotion behind it, send it out into the Universe, and—ta-da!—the good fairy will deliver it to you.

The truth is that just about everything worth having requires hard work. If you don’t want something badly enough to work hard to get it, then in my opinion, you don’t deserve it and you probably never really wanted it.

Remember: What you do gets done. Works every time.

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A colleague of mine, Kristy, has been having issues with a guy in our office. Kristy is a 30-year old, petite, blonde, attractive, PhD-holding scientist, and the guy—Walt—is in his late 50s, is a former military officer, and always wanted a PhD but never got one (methinks there’s more than a little bit of resentment there). Almost every time they’re in meetings together, Walt says something to demean Kristy. His comments are never sexual in nature or clearly over the line. No, they’re always an innocuous-sounding “jokes” that question her intelligence (and she’s one smart lady) and diminish her in front of others.

For example, Walt, Kristy, and a couple of people from work were having lunch with a potential candidate for a position in our office. The candidate was seated so that he couldn’t directly see another of our colleagues, with whom he was attempting to have a conversation. After watching the candidate lean back to see around Kristy, Walt said, “It’s OK—just look into her ear. Her head is pretty much empty, so you’ll be able to see right on through.” Kristy tried to laugh it off, but she was frustrated and offended. This was just the latest in a long line of demeaning comments Walt had made about her in front of others. She felt disrespected. She came to me later to ask what I thought she should do.

Why did she ask me? Because I am the office B*tch (it’s only a bad word if you think it is, and I don’t). Well, not really, but I am known for refusing to take any crap in the workplace and for speaking up when I think something is out of line. I laugh, I joke, I’m fun to work with, but I do not tolerate being talked down to, being the butt of stupid jokes, or being put down by anyone. I work hard, and I expect to be treated well. Like Mama always told me, people will treat you how you let them treat you. You have to draw a line in the sand sometimes in order to get your point across. I’d had to do that with Walt a few weeks after he started working at my company. He hadn’t bothered me since.

My advice to Kristy was this. The next time Walt makes a comment or “joke” like that—especially in front of someone else—she should stop the conversation, make eye contact with him, and calmly say, “If that was intended to be a joke, it wasn’t funny. I don’t appreciate comments like that, and I don’t expect you to make them in the future. Do you understand?” It’s important that she not raise her voice or react emotionally (and for the love of God, don’t cry) because that will open the door for Walt to dismiss her as a hysterical woman. She should speak in a calm, smooth, even tone. Eye contact is important because it communicates that you aren’t intimidated. Ending with “Do you understand?” forces the person to acknowledge that you spoke and answer you. It has worked for me every single time I’ve used it.

Is it an over-the-top response to a bad joke? No. Here’s why. Every time you allow someone else to diminish you in front of others, you are handing them a little bit of your personal power. Over time—and I experienced this in the Navy when I was the only girl in a division of several hundred mechanics—you’ll begin to feel the effects of giving away your power. You feel like what they’re saying is true—maybe you ARE weak, maybe you ARE stupid, maybe you ARE too emotional or too sensitive.

Do not fall into this trap.

In my experience, it’s best to draw a firm line in the sand the VERY FIRST TIME someone says something out of line. They immediately learn that you’re not an easy target, and you’re not going to tolerate their behavior. Nine times out of ten, it will never happen again. I’ve been in some pretty rough work environments, and I’ve never had to file a single complaint or grievance against someone. This is solely due to the fact that I’ve learned how to deal with and stop this type of behavior the second it starts.

What if you’ve already been putting up with the jokes and the comments for a while—for months, or even years? No problem. Just change up the script a little bit: “You know, I’ve been listening to you make comments like that for a while. If they’re intended to be jokes, you should know that they aren’t funny. I don’t expect to hear anything like that again. Do you understand?”

It. Will. Work. Trust me.

If you’d like advice or you’d like to tell me how this tactic worked for you, contact me using Ask Jen. I’d love to hear about your smack-downs!

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(Cross-posted at BlogHer)

So you’ve survived four years of toga parties, rushing, study abroad, and finals, and now you have yourself a nice shiny degree. Great. So… now what?

I’ve seen many a friend enter a state of indecision and virtual paralysis after college. An old (platonic) roommate of mine spent the seven months after graduation sitting on our couch playing video games and eating through his inheritance before he got off his ass and got a J-O-B. Another friend finally graduated a year and a half late (after a series of “mistakes” that convinced me she was intentionally postponing entry into the adult world) only to spend the next year living with her parents and doing nothing. When asked (repeatedly, in increasingly hysterical tones by concerned friends and family) why this was happening, both of them gave the same response: “But I don’t know what I want to do.”

Oooooohhhhhh. You don’t know what you want to dooooooo. Well, that’s all right. Take all the time you need and—

OK, seriously, cut the bullcrap. No one knows what they want to do. I don’t know what I want to do. Your mom doesn’t know what she wants to do. Oprah doesn’t know what she wants to do. We all just flounder around and try to find a job and keep our heads above water and figure it out the best way we know how. Not knowing what you want to do with your life DOES NOT give you an excuse to stop living it. Do you really want to try to explain a 7-month gap on your resume or a 3-year stint as a hostess at Applebee’s (not that there’s anything wrong with that, if food service is your calling)? No. You don’t. So get off your ass and join the adult workforce.

For those of you who don’t know where to start, here’s a step-by-step plan:

1. Create a resume. Do not include an “objective statement.” (Trust me. I routinely review resumes as part of my job, and we all sit around and laugh at your objective statements. And your cover letters.) Do not be sloppy; triple check for typos. Typos will hurt you. Do not include the three months you worked at McDonald’s in high school. Do not list that you were President of your youth group or your fraternity. Do not list your church affiliation or hobbies. No one cares. Include ONLY relevant work/volunteer experience and educational/professional credentials. Ask someone that will be brutally honest with you to look over your resume and cover letter before you send them anywhere. Edit, edit, edit. (After 5 years of reviewing crappy resumes, the Semi-Charmed Wife has become an expert in revising them. Want help with yours?)
2. Start applying for jobs. I know, I know—you don’t know what you want to dooooooooo. Puh-lease. Just grab the want ads and start applying for anything that will pay the bills. (If nothing else, you’ll get lots of interview practice.) Unless food service or retail is your industry of choice, stay out of the food court and the shopping mall. Look for generic corporate jobs with titles that start with Junior or end with Assistant. At this point (I’m assuming you’re a new college graduate), that’s pretty much all you’re qualified for. Harsh, but true. Accept the first tolerable job you are offered that keeps you housed and fed and includes health insurance and a 401k plan (and start contributing as much as you can afford).
3. Are you gainfully employed? Good. NOW you can take some time to think about what you want. Can you narrow it down to an industry? If not, do you know what kind of job you want (e.g., sales, consulting, teaching, project management)? Read lots of books. Take career tests. Find out what color your parachute is. (Notice how you have a steady paycheck coming in while you’re thinking, and your parents aren’t calling you every 20 minutes to ask how the job search is going. Isn’t that nice?) Just don’t take this stuff too seriously—you’re not trying to end conflict in the Middle East, you’re trying to pick a career. You can have as many of them as you want in this life, so don’t overthink it. Just pick something that you’re interested in and could see yourself doing for at least a few years.
4. Do you have some general ideas of what you might like to do? Good. (If no, then repeat Step 3 until you either come up with an idea or get bored with it.) Now’s the time to start networking. Check newspapers and Craigslist for groups, events, workshops, seminars, classes, etc. focused on your industry or career of choice. Join a professional association. Go to career fairs. Kiss ass at cocktail parties. Volunteer for an organization that does what you want to do—you’ll get experience in your industry of choice that can fill in the gaps on that skimpy resume.
5. Get your bum back in school. Horrified? I have a hard truth for you. Pretty much everyone I know had to go back and get a Master’s degree. These days, four-year degrees just aren’t likely to get you where you want to go. So start studying for your GRE / GMAT / LSAT / MCAT and writing those personal essays. You can keep your lovely day job and still manage to go full-time at night if you want to (that’s what this Semi-Charmed Wife did, and it worked for me). It will mean a few years of misery, but at the end of it all, you’ll get much further along than you will if you coast on your Bachelor’s.
6. Revise your resume to reflect your new work/volunteer experience, professional association memberships, and brand spankin’ new Master’s degree.

I know it’s easy to say and hard to do, but here’s the thing—I did it, so I know it can be done. I’ve seen many of my friends do it, and you can do it to. Don’t fall into the trap of letting days and weeks and months slide by while you brood in your high school bedroom thinking about your perfect job. Get out there and DO SOMETHING. It doesn’t matter if it’s completely not what you want out of life, you can always change directions later.

Did you know that Vince Vaughn started out as a telemarketer? Ralph Lauren’s first job was as a sales clerk in retail. Faith Hill got her start as a receptionist. George Clooney sold suits. It doesn’t matter where you START, it’s where you’re headed that counts.

As always, feel free to send in your specific questions. I’m here to help! And check out my Services for help with creating your own personal five-year plan. Now get out there and conquer the world!